Kimberly's Journey

Sunday, June 3, 2012

The Pacific

I don't know what it is about the ocean, the beach...maybe it is because Kimmy loved it so much....maybe, it is the fond memories I have of childhoods spent at Beach Haven, NJ...maybe it's the memories Kim and I made together at Beach Haven, Myrtle Beach, S.C., Daytona Beach, Laguna Beach, Mission Beach, etc, etc....Mostly, I think it's the way the Pacific reminds me of Kim's eyes...I cannot look away...

Anyway, like she always told me 'Tomorrow's another day'....she's right. The beach has a way of washing away a lot of things. The bambini were so pumped to get to the coast - we stopped in Gila Bend, like we always have, for breakfast at McD's...I paid for the guy behind me (thanks Ami!)...A Random Act of Kimness!!...Autumn snapped pics the whole way, eager to email them to her best buds Lexy and Breanna ("Can you turn on the hotspot on your phone Dad?")...

      The temperatures have been in the 60's, the water temperature is actually pretty pleasant. Cody proudly has taught Autumn and Antonio how to boogie board - the waves are perfect for it!! Talk about decompressing...I've run several miles with Bella up and down the beaches. She absolutely loves the surf and I've been hard pressed to keep her from swimming out to sea. The kids are actually passed out at this early hour, so satisfied from going to Dog Beach, just off of Sunset Cliffs, with Bella for the day, going to Anthony's Grotto (a family tradition) for dinner and over to Seaport Village afterwards...

      Antonio has been up and down during the trip...he remains the big focus...alternating from happy to sad to frustrated - you can almost see him attempting to process his feelings...He is trying so hard to find signs from his Mama...he found a sand dollar "Mama must have sent this to us." he told me excitedly...then fiddler crabs...soaring, diving pelicans...a brilliant sunset...all from his loving Mama. I'm so proud of how he tries...it sometimes breaks my heart - we're hoping to overcome his latest hurdle, too!

Great food at Filippi's, in Little Italy (India St.), downtown San Diego! This was always our favorite stop.

The bambini build a super slide down the side of a beach cliff...

Autumn caught some sweet waves and a new found love - boogie boarding!

Cody's 'King Seat'! He carved this into the beach's hillside.

And Cody could not wait to get to the Belmont Amusement Pier at Mission Beach!!

Tonio and Cody went on this crazy ride that spun them, swung them way up into the air and spun them some more...

All three kids enjoyed the classic Tilt-o-Whirl.

Cody talked Autumn into going on the Big Dipper - a wooden roller coaster built in 1925. Sadly, Tonio was just an inch too short....the ride operator agreed to watch him for us while we road.

So far, it has been a great vacation for the bambini! Certainly we have more good days than bad - aside from the block on my frequent blogging and Antonio's troubles. It sometimes is hard to find that release...and I have good days/bad days, like anyone else - I'm not special and I absoluetly get that there are so many more people out there worse off than I am!!

Definitely appreciate the positive vibes most of you are sending our way!!

More later...

Friday, June 1, 2012

Cancer

Cancer

Turn away
If you could get me a drink
Of water cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my Aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me
In all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you.
Now turn away,
Cause I'm awful just to see
Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body,
All my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
But counting down the days to go.
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know,

That if you say, (If you say)
Good-bye today, (Good-bye today)
I'd ask you to be true (I'd ask you to be true)
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you...

Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you...

          I don't know how Cody finds the tunes that he finds...I truly believe that they find him. Seek him out. I added this song, by My Chemical Romance, to the playlist a couple of weeks ago. I've said that I can tell when Cody is feeling blue, thinking of his Mama, by the songs he chooses to play when we are driving (which is most of the time)...When he played this, with its sad and soulful sound, I knew it was one of those moments. Then, I caught some of the lyrics...He's ever stoic, though, keeping the grades up and finding time for friends.

          As for the other two...I just forced them to bed, after another meltdown (Ami, you have no idea!), my head spinning around, words just spewing out, with no rational thought behind them...just needing a moment to decompress - but not able to find that sliver of time....and having 'lost' my ability to pour it out daily on the blog, as some feel that not enough 'acknowledgement'? was included?
         ...and each night, as Autumn progresses (digresses?) through her little OCD routines (bed readied, pillows fluffed, shower started, ice water by bed, stuffed animals arranged, re-arranged and arranged yet again, door/window locks checked, everyone said goodnight to more than an old episode of the Waltons, etc, etc), and Antonio needs 'just one more thing' which ends up being one more game on the NOOK or playing with Legos...and they fall into the late night Heckle and Jeckle routine, which usually ends badly for one of them - Antonio, more often than not...I start calmly herding them to bed "Big day tomorrow, please get in bed by 9:30", "OK, 10 more minutes, almost time!" "Now it's 10:00, what help do you need?"...then, a little more sternly "OK, no movie tonight, unless you make it into bed in 10 minutes"...then, telling them the consequences "We don't have to go anywhere tomorrow, we can just stay home and clean!"....finally - erupting...no more Kimmy to keep me balanced...
               ...leaving me to feel low...knowing I will apologize in the morning...
              Tonight, Bella piled on, throwing up bile at 10:30, moments after there was quite from the little ones...we'd forgotten to feed her dinner and she has a pretty sensitive tummy...Cody came quickly "Sorry Dad, I'll get it." "No worries Cod, thanks. I got this." "At least she got sick on the tile." He offered. True that.



              Untethered is how I feel right now.

          As Kim would tell me "Tomorrow's another day".

Monday, May 28, 2012

6th Grade Graduation

              Autumn graduated from the 6th grade on Friday. 6th grade. I can't get my arms around that. 6th grade. No matter how often I say it, it just does not make any kind of rational sense. And yet, it happened.
             Do you remember your 6th grade graduation? No? Either do I. Not just from the standpoint that it was eons ago, but just because it never happened. There was no Kindergarten graduation. Or 8th grade graduation. Just 12th grade graduation, which, I believe I wrote about the wonderful time Kim and I had at ours way back in 1983.
            Autumn's graduation was so special, thought, because she had been chosen to be class speaker. Now, Autumn certainly has inherited Kimmy's beauty, and she has Kim's shyness. When she was chosen, she politely declined. Her teacher, Casey Rudzena, ever her biggest supporter and best mentor we could wish for, discussed this opportunity with her and was successful in having Autumn see the value in accepting this honor.

A rose for the graduate, which, her brother, Antonio, lovingly walked up onto stage to hand to his sister...

Ready to graduate! Autumn carefully selected her outfit. She already knew she was wearing this shirt, given to her by her southwest Aunt Kim and Uncle Roshan for her birthday, black slacks that Kimmy had gotten for her and some new shoes that I chose for her (my photography skills, or lack of, showing here)...

Antonio, in front of a crowd of about 300, shows his love for his sister, delivering her a beautiful rose! He was so proud of Autumn!! Even Cody got himself out of bed for the ceremony...and we huddled as one.

Casey Rudzena, Autumn's 5th and 6th grade teacher, friend, and mentor, keeps Autumn calm and focused as she waits to speak.

She had taken time over the course of the previous weekend to write her speech. Taking two days to edit it, massage it and to shape it. Caringly, just as her Mama would have. Then, she worked on her delivery. Her first run, was barely audible and took all of 10 seconds to blurt out. By the end of the week, she had it down, complete with eye contact, smiles and hand gestures (what do you get when you take away an Italian's hands? A mute!).

"Will you cry Daddy?" she asked on the final day, her eyes, so Kim-like, blazing blue and so locked on mine..."Yes."

A technical glitch in my media program has prevented me from posting the video of Aut's speech, but I will work on recovering it and posting it later. She spoke confidently and clearly - and yet, nerves got the best of her as she forgot to blow kisses to Kimmy at the end of her speech. I told her that her Mama knew her intentions and not to let it take away from her moment.

So for now, here is the text:

Hello, my name is Autumn Conca. I am in Mrs. Rudzena’s sixth grade class. I have gone to Cottonwood since Kindergarten. I will definitely miss Cottonwood and so will a lot of kids who have gone to Cottonwood since preschool, kindergarten, or those who even came just this year.

Cottonwood is a great school and has many friendly teachers and staff members. The teachers are amazing. Thank you to all of my teachers that I have had while I was here. The teachers are friendly, caring, patient, and many more things, especially our teachers for sixth grade. Mrs. Rudzena has been awesome. She arranged an engineer day for us, had celebrations for us, allowed us to have buddies and do fun activities with them, got IPods for us, gave us fun projects to do like making our own bakery business, making our own books, performing plays, and many more things. You have to agree, she really cared about all of us and has made a difference in our lives!

I would also like to thank all of the amazing volunteers. They have been really great and helpful. Like my dad. He has helped me through so many challenges while I was at Cottonwood.

Once you are a coyote you are always a coyote. Although we will be sad to move on and leave Cottonwood, we will be very excited to go to middle school. We have all worked so hard to graduate and worked through so many challenges. Moving onto middle school will be a new adventure with new people to meet, new challenges, and new opportunities. Everyone will have a fun, memorable time figuring out middle school. Thank you for listening and for all the help you have given us.

I’d now like to introduce Mrs. Shivanonda.

I am so proud of Autumn, how she has grown. How she takes responsibility for her brothers and for helping me around the house. She is tireless and upbeat. Even as Antonio is broken anew, she is there.

Here she is with her 6th grade class, ready to move on to 7th grade with enthusiasm, not trepidation.

Her class performed several cute songs, of which none I remember, as I was completely overwhelmed by her speech...

Then, she made her way up to receive her diploma, beaming. Principal Mayeux greeted her and Casey made the presentation...

Her class gathered outside of the MPR room for photos, bagels, muffins, fruit, cake, etc...

And, with Casey....the bench they are sitting on is just outside the MPR room and is dedicated to our neighbor, Seth Hopkins, who passed away shortly after Kimmy. He was 10 years old. We are not the only family who knows loss....

My mom ordered Autumn a red velvet cake for her graduation, her favorite!

I was working an overnight at Barnes & Noble, so we took the celebration there!

The kids fell asleep around 1:30 in some 'comfy chairs' we have in our breakroom. Autumn was so excited to share her cake with Jaimelyn, one of the assistant managers there!

We went to see Men in Black 3 as a treat...Tonio makes the cutest penguin...

Thank you for the well wishes and prayers as we continue to work things out!!!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

May 21st, 1994

           18 years ago. A lifetime ago. A blink of an eye, really. I am thankful for the nearly 17 years of marriage that Kim and I shared. Today, we will celebrate that. Autumn has decided. "Can we go to Zona 78?", she asked. She enjoyed going through these photos of our wedding day, peppering me with question after question...

           "What was your favorite part of your wedding day?"...

             ..."Kissing your Mama."...
                                   ..."Hee, hee, I figured!" She giggled.

           "Wait. Is that Uncle Spike?"...

                      ..."Yep."

            "Beer cans tied to your truck Dad? Really?"...

                     ..."Yes Aut, that's what people used to do."....

                                   ..."Hmmmm. I see...note to self." She's so funny.

What a beautiful day it was that Saturday morning back in '94. It was already 90 degrees at 9 a.m. when our ceremony started. Here is Spike (my college roomie who showed up for Klimb 4 Kimmy 2 along with the Duff man, another roomie, back in Feb.), my Dad, Kim's sister Terri and her best friend, Tracy.

We loved the little courtyard that bordered the south side of the church. The fountain was so relaxing, with humming birds darting back and forth vying for a drink of its cool waters.

This shot (above) of Kim just blows me away...Aut gently dabbed my tears away when I got to this one.

When I approach the church, to pass through these doors, the main entrance, I always see Kimmy standing there that day...

You can see her giggling here...Happiest moment of my life...

With my Best Man...my Dad - the greatest man who ever lived (after Jesus, of course).

Our hand shook as we lit the candles, joining us as one...

Again, the kiss...my favorite part of the day!

Marriage may be the best sacrament one can enjoy. Here we are, joined - 'for better (which was most often the case!)...for worse (she still had some work to do on me!)...til death do we part - only, I thought we'd be old, gray and Kim nursing me...

Again, the most beautiful bride in the world...and me, with perhaps the cheesiest sunglasses in the world. Well, it was the '90s!

The Toy sporting the Tecate beer cans and a 'KILO' 94.9 FM bumper sticker from our Colorado days.

At the reception, a cowboy cookout that Kim designed, with my sister, Lauren.

The last cake I've ever cut (thanks Janene, for your continued support in this area!).

This was a fun moment. Kim got me pretty good.

Second thoughts Kimmy? I'm trying to convince her getting married was a good idea. "Seriously Kimmy, it's not that bad!"

The day was perfect. Kim had spent months planning and orchestrating...from contacting Father Michael Dulmeyer to perform the ceremony, to having Baggins deliver their incredible sandwiches to us at the Mission, the "Unforgettable" and their egg salad, which has real bacon crumpled up in it! Then, a stop at Gates Pass, with it's breathtaking views, to eat lunch and on to Old Tucson Movie Studios for the afternoon.

She had found the Reddington Pass Cattle Ranch somehow. We went to visit it and she knew..."This is the place." she told me. I could feel it. Again, somehow she found the perfect cowboy guitarist to hire and serenade our modest group. A huge bonfire. Singing. Dancing. A night to remember.

Sometimes, I can't believe I ever held her in my arms. Or kissed her. Sometimes, I can't believe that she'd light up the room, just for me, when she saw me enter the room. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that we shared so much...and how fast it really went.

I'm looking forward to visiting the Mission this morning for Mass.

On the home front, the bambini are uneasy. The school year is wrapping up, should be cause for rejoicing. Autumn has been selected to be the speaker at her 6th grade graduation. We worked on her speech this weekend and it is so heartfelt and thoughtful - I can only believe it came directly from Kimmy. Her delivery is wonderful.

But, lingering is a dark cloud - we have several storm fronts that we (or maybe it's me) are facing...and the little ones have been edgy. Four, to be exact. It was Pete Townsend who said 'It's just another tricky day". Kim and I used that one a little too often during her 55 day fight, but, it fits.

We are going to need some prayers to get through and maybe a few small miracles.

You know, I am counting on my Angel to guide us.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother in Retrospective

                Happy Mother's Day!!

                We received so many phone calls, texts, FB messages, etc today - heartfelt sentiments, reminders of Kimmy. Thank you all so much!!

                 What is the most important thing to you? What brings you the most happiness? Best friend? Spouse? Mother/Father of your children?

                 Since I was 12, Kimmy was all of those and more...