Time stopped

"Hello, hello, hello...
And I thought about you today
And I thought about the things you used to say
And I thought about the things we did
And I thought about the games we used to play...
I always thought we'd be together
I always knew we'd be together
Oh what do I do now?
I don't want to wait forever"
-J Cole

  Being with Kim, time had a habit of getting stopped.  That moment, another time we got stuck.  That moment forever and always doomed to keep happening in my head.  I try to capture those moments in my tattoos, forever inked - better than a photograph, which fade with time, bend or tear.  But there are so many...

  While Autumn captured a Kimmy sentiment, literally using Kim's hand writing to do it...Love yours...I tried to sum up all of those moments where time really did stop.  For us.  On the beach, it was as if we were on our own island.  No worries, hand in hand.











   I still love the beach, it's where the memories are strongest.  And comforting.  Over the years, my favorite beach has been in Mexico.  About 20 miles south of Puerto Penasco - Playa Encanto.  It is absolutely soothing to sit on the beach there, warm sand beneath my feet, and look out to the Sea of Cortez.  I've totally lost track of time doing it, ending up pretty toasty from the sun.  Well, to tell the truth, it happens every time...the sound of the waves so hypnotizing, cool breeze, pelicans in lazy flight searching for fish and an occasional dolphin that I imagine is Kim dropping by to say hello.

   Long walks on that beach, along the waters edge - and any problem that's been keeping you awake at night is washed away in the surf.  Diving in the warm waters is like being renewed, a baptism in the sea.  I've witnessed many sunrises and sunsets there - they are each uniquely miraculous.  The colors intertwining together and the flash as the sun dips below the horizon into the water is revitalizing.

   The little town of Puerto Penasco is equally cathartic.  The energy there, the bustle of the local shops, sea food merchants and restaurants is a place I can get lost, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells.  Sitting on the balcony of a seafood restaurant, overlooking the harbor, watching the fishing boats return from a days work while sipping a cold cerveza - still feeling the heat of the sun emanating from my overcooked skin - is so relaxing.  The merchants sell some fantastic fruit, mangoes my favorite with tajin and chamoy, artistically transforming them into a flower before handing them to you on a stick.  Even the haggling in the shops for trinkets or clothing is an experience I enjoy.


























      The statues throughout the town represent the local culture and their lively hood - the Sea of Cortez.  My favorite is the El Camaronero - The Shrimp Fisherman, located in the Plaza de Malecon.  It's a great plaza, with local fruit stands and merchants throughout.  And El Camaronero oversees the the whole scene, looking wistfully out at the sea.

All of the memories here, the peace this beach has brought to me...

are now a part of me.

A friend sent this 'Kim Conca Sunset' from the other day...

She's always there

17

            Ahhhhhh birthdays....Kim would make you feel so special on what she loved to call 'your special day'!!  We had a running joke between us, that started on each other's birthday, but somehow spread to when ever one of us would ask the other 'what would you like to do today?'...the other would answer 'I don't know, it's YOUR special day!!'.  Always cracked us up.

             I do really try to make each kid's birthday something for them to remember.  I always will ask if there is anything they have been wanting or needing.  Tonio, having that big heart from his mom, always has some incredible answers.  One time, he told me that he would really like the sandwich he ordered to be served looking, or even close to looking, as good it does on the menu, or the posters they have around the menu board on the wall!!!  That's a tough one - the burgers always look thicker and juicer in the photos they use to advertise them!  Needless to say, I couldn't deliver on that.
           I have to say, I am fortunate that my kids never got hung up on name brands or high end items.  Their requests have always been practical, idealistic and they seem to keep in mind my budgetary constraints.

            This year, when I asked Tonio what he really wanted for his birthday, once again, his answer was selfless and deep.  He paused a moment, holding his pose, eyes looking up and away...

            "Really dad, all I want is to go out to dinner with the people that I care about"

           Typically has never been a problem...COVID rears its ugly head once again.

            We have long had the tradition of allowing the birthday child to choose where they would like everyone to meet to celebrate.  Again, Tonio always thinking of others - first, Autumn.  He reasoned it would be easiest on her if he chose a place near our home, as he knew Aut would be working until 6:30, 7ish on his bday (she can rarely get off early).  He also mentioned that the people he would like to come all live in our area, so it would be easiest for them to make it...THEN, being Tonio, he says;

           "but dad, it's cool if nobody can make it this year, it really is."

            As parents, we just want the best for our children.  As parents, we sometimes feel their pain more than they do.  Even when they are this logical and are thinking of others, we just want more for them.  I guess it's a part of the process.

           He chose Lonchos.  Almost walking distance.  A great new Mexican place that opened recently, despite COVID and has amazing food.  Best part, we know the family that works there from one of our favorite after church (before church was canceled) breakfast spots, the Breakfast Stop.  The mom, Ana, cooks from scratch - best birria and corn tortillas I've ever had.  Autumn swears by Ana's pozole.  Her daughters, Kim and Amy wait tables and tend bar.  They take such good care of us.  When we arrived on Tonio's birthday, Ana told Aut she had made her ceviche, even though it is not on the menu, as she knows it's Aut's favorite.  She made Tonio a special plate of nachos while he waited for his birria tacos to arrive.  Kim decorated a table with balloons, etc and they had a gift for Tonio.  It was Kim's birthday too, so she joined us for a time.  They kept us entertained and before we knew it, it was 12:30 a.m.  Tonio had a big smile and a full belly.

Autumn's newest creation...the chocolate gelato cake!!  New favorite!!

That morning, Tonio wanted to go to breakfast to our favorite diner, Bread & Butter.  They have the most amazing chile cheese omelets and hash browns!!  Of course, everyone there knows Tonio and the manager, Jessica, present him with a homemade cinnamon roll, complete with a candle!

(a different night at Lonchos)

Also took a nice bike ride through the desert...103 degrees, didn't slow Tonio down!!

He's probably been the most affected by quarantine.  Aut and I go to work, so we try to get him out for bike rides, walks with our pups, Angel and Belle and get him out for meals.  Plus frequent trips to the San Xavier Mission to light candles for his mom and all of our loved ones during these challenging times. 

Tonio takes it all in stride.  He's been doing some painting - I know Kim can look down and see, but I truly wish she was in the room to witness the phases, the sketches, the planning, the detail...He bought himself some canvasses recently and has a lot of paints received as gifts over the years and is doing some neat stuff.  He takes good care of the pups, his ghost corn snake Cruiser and bearded dragon Jake.  Helps out cleaning up the house and is just always a pleasure to be around.

Some of his ceramic work from this past year

Thankful for birthday 17!!!

Loving ink

         For our 40th birthdays, Kim and I had talked about and planned to get matching tattoos.  We wanted some symbol or writing that meant 'infinity' as a testament to our love for each other.  Although we searched for the perfect design, we never did quite come up with one that felt like us.  Also, as parents of 3, we had determined that there were better ways for us to spend those $$...

          Since Kim passed, I have added quite a few tribute tattoos to remember our times together.  Some focus on the kids and the here and now, but most represent 'us'.

          Cody and I have had a chance to get ink together, and did a bit of a matching piece.  He designed the rising sun with a white dove flying to honor and remember his mom.  I found it so touching, beautiful and perfect, that I had the same done.  It was a neat experience going to Tattoo Artistry together, to have our old friend, Dave Williams, use all of his talents to bring these designs to life.

           So when Autumn wanted one, naturally I was excited to see what she chose and to have a tattoo created with her.

         I asked what is your idea for a design?

        "Love yours"  she explained, a Kim-like sparkle in her eyes, smile spreading like a sunrise.  To those who don't know, Aut will patiently tell you "Love Yourz" is a song by J Cole - one of our favorites.  She is often met by 'Who?', yet she is undetterred in continuing - 'it's a song about how there is no life better than yours - so love yours!'.  Again, so Kim-like.  (I always tell her when people say who is J Cole, let them know he is their favorite rapper's favorite rapper). And in Kim's handwriting.  Dave replicated perfectly!

Love Yourz

J. Cole

Love yours

No such thing as a life that's better than yours
(Love yourz)
No such thing as a life that's better than yours
No such thing, no such thing

Goes for all y'all
It's beauty in the struggle 
It's beauty in the struggle , ugliness in the success
Hear my words or listen to my signal of distress
I grew up in the city and though some times we had less
Compared to some of my niggas down the block man we were blessed
And life can't be no fairytale, no once upon a time
But I be God damned if you don't be tryin'
So tell me mama please why you be drinking all the time?
Does all the pain he brought you still linger in your mind?
Cause pain still lingers on mine
On the road to riches listen this is what you'll find
The good news is  you came a long way
The bad news is  you went the wrong way

No such thing as a life that's better than yours
No such thing, no such thing

For what's money without hapiness?
Or hard times without the people you love
Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next
I asked for strength from the Lord up above
Cause I've been strong so far
But I can feel my grip loosening
Quick, do something before you lose it for good
Get it back and use it for good
And touch the people how you did like before
I'm tired of living with demons cause they always inviting more
Think being broke was better
Now I don't mean that phrase with no disrespect
To all you out there living in debt
Cashing minimal checks
Turn on the TV see a  Rolex
And fantasize about a life with no stress
I mean this shit sincerely
And that's someone who was once in your shoes                  
Living with nothin' to lose
I hope one day you hear me
Always gon' be a bigger house somewhere, but  feel me
'Long as the people in that motherfucker love you dearly
Always gon' be a whip that's better than the the one you got
Always gon' be some clothes that's fresher than the one's you rock
Always gon' be a bitch that's badder out there on the tours
But you ain't never gon' be happy till you love yours

No such thing as a life that's better than yours
(Love yourz)
No such thing as a life that's better than yours
No such thing, no such thing

            

It's a great song.  Kim would have enjoyed the Motown vibe J Cole brings.  It's all smooth.  His lyrics grab me, especially this piece of the song:

Or hard times without the people you love
Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next
I asked for strength from the Lord up above
Cause I've been strong so far
But I can feel my grip loosening

Quick, do something before you lose it for good
Get it back and use it for good
And touch the people how you did like before
I'm tired of living with demons cause they always inviting more

    I don't know how many times I've told you, these kids, I am so blessed.  I have truly enjoyed the times we have spent together.  Especially right now, with COVID - Autumn, Tonio and I have had a sit down dinner nearly every night, followed by movies, a bike ride out into the desert with the dogs. 

I've felt a little isolated, beginning with my knee surgery in March, my friends are busy taking care of families, trying to work through this and social distancing.  I sure miss the family events, birthdays, dinners, etc and pray daily for their health and safety. I get it. This is crazy.

It's the first time since I moved here in '94 that I thought maybe I should have gone back east, nearer parents and sisters...I am grateful for one friend who texts nearly daily to talk - she has been the picture of 'quarantine' only having left her house once from mid March through June.  In July,
venturing to the Desert Museum after I told her the kids I went and to one restaurant (she said even

 that was too much!).

The bartenders at Lonchos and Serial Grillers have provided much needed conversation ; )
As always, the kids are always in tune and have kept me going through all of this!!

All three kids have turned out amazing, so much like their mother.  I will update you on Cody soon!

   Next year, when Tonio turns 18, it will be our turn to go visit Dave...can't wait to see what design Tonio comes up with!!

   Until that day...Love yours