Ashes/Valentine's/Bikes in Trees

             Some days in Purgatory are better than others...and some days, I'm just done. Toast...but, it's the Lenten season, so I will just shoulder that cross and bear it...

             It was one of those days, I got the bambini up early, made it to Mass, breakfast, grocery shopping and then home, where I did wash, made lunch while packing lunches for tomorrow, then started dinner, since I had to leave for work at 1:00....
             Got home a little after 10:00 in time to write.

             Ash Wednesday, a blur, like the ashes Father Harry swiped on my forehead as I raced across town after working en route to pick up the bambini, who were in the safe, caring home of Mary (their kindergarten teacher!).
             St. Pius has an awesome set up for folks on the fly, like me.  They set up a fire pit out front in the courtyard - framed with orange trees and the majestic Catalina Mountains just behind the church - the spot where we released balloons to the Heavens for Kim, the day of her celebration.  There are scraps of paper available, so you can write down your sins, or what you plan to give up and then toss them onto the fire.  I wrote a novel, the size of a telephone book,  and set it ablaze.
            "I thought you'd never stop writing" deadpanned Father Harry.
             "Did you see Juve beat Celtic 3-0 in the Champions League yesterday?" I asked him (he's from Ireland, but a Manchester United fan).
              "Nice match, that"  He replied as he anointed my forehead with ashes.
               I didn't have time to bring the bambini with, so I asked him if he'd bless some ashes and put them in a tissue I had and told him I'd apply them to their foreheads later.  Father Harry is so in tune with today's family, he readily did that for us.
       
              I knew I had to get running and actually started heading to the parking lot.  Yet.  The church pulled me back.  Like a magnet.  I hadn't been inside of it in about a year.
              I entered through the southeast door, like we used to, as a family, before we were broken - all of those years ago...and the flashback hit me with the force of lightning and tsunami...the church was packed to standing room only and I was facing the pew where I sat that day, holding my babies, trying to stay strong...
              ...and then I was back.  The church was dark, except for night lighting.  My gaze stuck on the northwest facing doors.  So ornamental and beautiful.  But such a sad, mournful quality and meaning to them.
                 Tuesdays, our day with the Barrio's family, I related to them my feelings towards these doors. Wonder. Horror. How, before Kim even got sick, I dreaded those doors. Prayed I'd never have to see a loved one pass through their artistically adorned arches.
               "Did you notice them? That day?"  I asked.  Lupe told me that they had been seated behind me, so their backs were to those doors.

 

When we first started attending Mass at St. Pius, after Kim's unceremoniously exit from St. Frances, we both admired these doors.  Kim loved the artwork.  The angels.  Beautiful.

However, we attended the funeral of Vito's Uncle Angelo, who Cody and Autumn adored and was such a nice man, and found out that this set of doorways, was the ones used to send off the deceased. 

That day, Father Harry explained that this was the doorway that led to Heaven.

I looked for the proverbial stairway, in my grief, but found none.  And a lyric from an old favorite song came to mind:

"This is not an exit, there's no way out"

                                     -Anthrax (certainly from my heavy metal days)

And from that point on, each and every Mass, I stared at that door.  Foreboding.  Gripping me. Mesmerized and praying that I'd never have to see my loved ones pass through it.

 

I stayed at the back row of the church, as far from the door as possible and prayed.  For the bambini.  Our friends and family.  Kim.

And then, on leaden feet, I stiffly approached it to take this photo.

Again, so beautiful, yet so sad.

             The big save was the support that we have - especially Aut and Tonio.  We had a great dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings with Mary, Emilio and Brinley.  Autumn and Tonio walked Brinley to the arcade area and  played the claw machine until they won a stuffed dog for Brinley and a Angry Bird for Tonio.  Aut and Tonio love that little girl - she makes their day!

             Before I knew it, St. Valentine's Day was upon us. I found myself helping Tonio fill out his class' Valentine's after our dinner with the Montes'.  I helped him place them all in a brown bag, telling him that is how I used to transport my Valentine's to school, too.
             For the first time, I heard the satirical "Valentine's is 'single awareness day'" and thought it had been soooo many years since I was in that category.  I loved surprising Kim with flowers, or a bit of jewelry.  Or a movie, DVD or shoes (she was, after all, the Imelda Marcos of the U.S. ; ) )  And Kim, she would always make me a shrimp dish for dinner, my favorite. 
            Would I have loved to take Kimmy out for dinner?
             We ended up at Viro's, sharing a table with long time regulars, and I had shrimp and scallops (Kim's favorite)....A place of comfort for us.

                            I miss the brilliant sparkle in Kim's blue eyes the moment I handed her roses...she was always so amazingly appreciative of every gesture...so supportive...

                            Saturday, after I worked a 9 hour shift, a gorgeous day, Cody said "Hey, it would be a great day to ride Fantasy Island!".
                           As broken as I felt, after my week, I hadn't seen that smile on his face and that desire to do something with us in a while...I could not say no. 
                            He's so quiet these day.  Loves his X-Box.  Best friend, Brendon (Janene's boy) comes over every weekend, or he goes there.  It's hard to keep him with us...and I do my best to give him his space.  So, you see, I had to go...
                            "I'm not going."  Autumn stated flatly.  "That place will be the death of me.  I've had dreams."  Like my tidal wave dreams?  I wondered.
                             We tried to persuade her. 
                             "It's so nice out!" 
                              "No."
                              "It will help you with your exercise log for P.E. class!"
                              "I'll exercise in the house."
                              "We'll see Mama's bike!  And touch it up!"
                              Hesitation.  Serious thought.
                               "I want to...but I can't."

                               And so it was, that the boys and I set out into the desert.  Tonio's first time on his new, 20" bike.  No foot brake, just a hand brake.  And as we began on the tight, cholla and prickly pair cactus lined path, I questioned my own judgement....
                          
                               It is so undeniably beautiful and pristine out there.  The winding path, the wild life.  The trees, plants and mountains!  The temperature was just right, near 70 degrees.  My boys.  Riding under perfect conditions.  Tonio, comically close to being punctured by a variety of cacti, and totally unaware, jabbering away...
                              "Wow!  A chipmunk!" he'd cry. 
                              "Look at that saguaro!  It must be at least 90, no! 100 years old!"
                              "How soon until we get to Mama's bike?"

                         Cody, leading the way, found it first.
                         "It's pretty faded Dad."  He worried.
                          Ahhhh, but I had brought the huge marker...just in case.
                           "Please Cody" I told him "You do the honor."

                         Cody carefully, artfully and with full concentration, retraced our words on Kim's memorial, dangling from a large Palo Verde tree in the middle of nowhere.

                                       I love these boys...and Cody's smile!  He did a great job resurrecting the verbiage on Kim's memorial.  We shared some water...and then...
                                     " Mind if I take off Dad?"...Cody asked.

                                     Tonio and I stayed a bit longer, Tonio asking me questions..."Do you miss Mama?  Do you ever see her?  I miss her right now.  So bad."  And then, "Ok Dad, let's ride."

                                     He did so remarkably well.  Navigating rutted paths, with 90 degree turns, amidst cacti that would slice and dice him at the slightest hint of a mistake.
                                    And the whole way, he's narrating...
                                    "Look, a cactus wren, our state bird!"
                                    "Oh my, quail!"
                                    "Dad!!!  Jack rabbits!! They are bigger than Bella!!!!"
        

                              It was a joy.  A pleasure.  To ride with my youngest son, in this moment, he was tireless, energetic, so observant.  What great company.  And, about three quarters of the way through, I heard the sound of a fast, approaching rider, overcoming us.
                             "Tonio! Move off the path to your right!" I called.
                             I heard a chuckle.
                              "It's just me Dad."  Cody said.

 

  

"Haul A**!" I'd yell at Tonio - he'd be giggling and pedaling hard.  He worked so hard to make it through this 6 mile journey in about an hour, his best time. I was so proud of him - no accidents and he made it through so quickly (he did confide in me this morning that his thighs were sore from the ride). Cody took paths that were about 11 miles and was not even winded.  I was done.  It was so peaceful and beautiful out there though.  And I felt a great connection with my boys....

 

I don't have an emphatic ending for this post, sorry.  Just trudging along, through my Purgatory and t what happened.  What I have been blessed with.

 

Thank you.

                             

                          

                                      

The Monkees

                  Leave it to South Park.  And Cody.  Not watching this show while 'studying'....it's only on for 'company'.
                  The little ones are tired - we are running just a little harder and later than usual...Aut asked me if we could go out and say goodnight to Kim.  As I walked down the hallway to get Cody, I heard a song that took me blasted me back into the '70's...

                    "Here we come..."
                
                   The theme song to one of our favorite t.v. shows...

                    "walking down the street..."

                    Countless nights we watched episode after episode...

                    "we get the funniest looks from everyone we meet..."

          Remember when your T.V. remote only had five buttons?  The 'power' button, a 'up' volume button, a 'down' volume button, a 'up' channel button and a 'down' channel button.  And it was big.  And clunky.  A door stop.

                  'hey hey we're the Monkees!"
 
          One of our favorite part of any episode was the them song and the medley of shenanigans that the Monkees were involved in.

                    I ran the rest of the way to Cody's bedroom. 

                   "Cody!  This was one of Mama's and my favorite shows!  Of ALL TIME!!  Is it on Netflix?"

                   "Uh.  No Dad.  It was a South Park episode."

                    Instead of going right out to say goodnight, I ran back down the hallway, to the computer.

                    "We have to YOUTUBE the Monkees! You HAVE to see this show!"

                     I told them I believe the Monkees were the predecessor to MTV.  They always played their songs during their shows...and hi jinx ensued.

                   Our favorite was always Mickey Dolenz, the drummer.  We loved his delivery - and he had a better voice than Davey Jones (which was David Bowie's original name, but he changed it because Davey Jones of the Monkees was a bigger star...for the moment.). 

                 These guys were big. They toured with Jimi Hendrix.  Did Nerf, Kellogg's, etc. commercials and had a lot of top 40 hits.
                 We watched a bunch of episodes - it is amazing how much you can find on YOUTUBE!  The bambini enjoyed it - well, they at least enjoyed my enjoyment of the episodes.  I didn't have to tell them that it seemed as if Kim was sitting next to me, laughing along at the slapstick comedy...
                 The sound effects were brilliant.  The 'boink' sound when someone hit their head.  Or a creaky hinge sound when one would close their gaping mouth.  There's a great boxing episode and everytime Mickey punches the champ, there are sounds of breaking glass, etc.  And the laugh track was unmistakable, but adds to the period feel.  I always remember the laugh track from the old Scooby Doo episodes, too...of which we owned them all!  We got Cody pretty hooked on Scooby Doo when he was younger.

 

 

             I swear this one was filmed at Old Tucson Movie studios - same sound stage that I did the 'The Big, the Bad and the Ugly"  about a zillion years ago, prior to the big fire...but that's a different story.  There's a great 'spooky' episode, starring 'Jaws' from that old James Bond movie, too.

           Ahhhh South Park.  Even as I type, I hear Butter's explaining Scientology, as Tom Cruise hides in his closet...But, looking at the 'bright side', if Cod wasn't watching South Park, I wouldn't have heard the Monkees theme song, and a brilliant memory revived, however briefly, a moment of warm, bright, sunshine...I told Aut that I was going to stay up all night and watch every episode.  She sternly told me that I had better not, that I needed my sleep.  And who would take them to school in the morning?

             ....somewhere, far away, Kim is giggling....

The Chapel

 

 

More mountains...!  Here's the Catalina's from atop the parking garage at St. Joseph's Hospital. 

 

I found, that when I parked, those mountains pulled my eyes to them like magnets.  Looking at the hospital itself, I tried to see the windows for each room that Kim stayed in...while giving birth to the bambini, and while fighting

 

I was there for a planning meeting, nearly the last one, for the new chapel.  John, the director of the Carondelet Foundation that administers Kim's Fund, led me through the construction site. 

 

 

This is a view as you enter from the east side of the site, just beyond the Outpatient entrance.

 

This cinder block wall will have Kim's name on it....

 

This will be a little seating and garden area.

 

I was stunned with how much progress had been made.  More so by the transformation of what was essentially a dirt lot, stuck between Outpatient and leading to the main set of elevators.  When I try to describe to people the new chapel's exact location, no one can quite pinpoint it.  In some ways, I am glad - because they have not had to be around the hospital so much that they had explored every garden, staircase, corridor...even the basement.

 

 

This will be the entrance into the chapel.  The existing rooftop to the second floor provides extra cover.

 

A garden/meditation area tucked behind Outpatient services.

 

These pillars have always been there, propping up 4 stories of hospital above.  Just beyond them, will be a sliding partition, that will open up the chapel for larger services/events. 

 

What I remember most about this soon to be forgotten (and never discovered by many) dirt lot, are the races the bambini and I had across the dirt, coming to see their Mama and taking them home again.  Their small footprints the only evidence that they had been there...

 

 

Inside is still a work in progress...

 

Straight ahead will be the altar.

 

I watched, amazed, as this hard working man made his way on stilts, applying mud to the ceiling.  I stopped him, apologetically, to ask if I could take his picture.  I told him the bambini would be fascinated.  He smiled and told me ok, for one hundred dollars!  His boss laughed harshly and told me to be sure to show my children - and tell them this is what they'd end up doing if they didn't do well in school.  I told him everyone contributes in what ever way they can.  I let him know that they were doing a great job and how important their work was to bring this chapel, where people could pray for loved ones, hospital workers could find strength to go on...a small place of peace.

 

After the meeting, John walked me towards the parking garage...but, I told him, I needed to run the stairs, as was my ritual.  I ran to the 5th floor and walked those hallways...

...then down to the 3rd, where I saw Alejandro, a patient transporter, who had wheeled Kim through the halls on her way to xrays, sonograms, surgeries.  We worked together at Kohl's...

Then, on to ICU, where I saw Vivian, a tech who brought so many smiles to Kim's face.  To the bambini's faces. 

And Dr. McCarten.  In charge of ICU.  The poor soul that had to tell Kim and I it was time to say goodbye to each other.  One of the most compassionate men I've ever met.  Who fought tirelessly to find a way...

...it was his last day at St. Joseph's, as he is moving on to Florida.

 

I always take a little bit away from that hospital, where I had left so much behind...

 

....and, as I got back into my truck...

 

                               ...once again, it was the mountains that captured me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                     

More Mountains

   

                 Since writing about the mountains, and our love for them, I have noticed the subtle variances in all four ranges that we enjoy - given the time of day, cloud cover, precipitation, state of mind, etc, etc....even more than at any given time in the 19 years that I have lived her.

               Today, making deliveries, driving across town on my way home - they spoke to me, as they always do.  Soothing.  Relieving stress.  Majestic.

                      
                     Without thinking, I reached for my cell phone and dialed Kim...ringing...me lost in the view...ringing...the worries of the day draining, just need to share this with Kimmy...ringing....

                        "Hey Dad."....

                         ...."Dad?"....

                         ..."Yeh, hi Cod."....

                         ..."You OK?"...

                         ..."Uh, sure.  How was your day?"....

                   In the moment, forgetting that Kim's cell is now Cody's...

                   I actually, for a moment the other day, when reaching for my cell to call her,thought of her Bethlehem number...866-4176...it came so easily, so naturally, I actually had the area code and 866 dialed before realization sunk in and I hung up.

 

The tip of the Rincon's, east of our neighborhood, its peak dusted with snow at sunset...

 

Rolling clouds above the Catalina's.

 

                          Today, I found myself up north delivering books to Ironwood Ridge H.S.  Here's some shots of the backside of the Catalina's...

 

The back of Mt Lemmon, with just a hint of snow.

 

                             This one, I took from the San Xavier Mission yesterday morning before Mass.  The mountains fit in nicely with San Xavier...and why I go there.  I lit candles for a friend with child.  A friend in transition.  A surrogate grandmother of a friend who is in the hospital.  And, of course, for Kim.

                               I could go on like this.  Taking pictures.  Trying to capture the Catalina's, the Rincon's, the Santa Rita's and the Tucson mountains at various stages of their glory.  They are beautiful.  Incredible...

                                Kimmy?  The mountains are still beautiful!!  I haven't forgotten.

                                Or let 'life' get in the way....

                                I haven't lost sight of them...




                                  ...yet.

 

 

      Trying to keep Kimmy alive...meeting tomorrow with Carondelet to discuss Kim's area in new chapel at St. Joseph's...garden?  Bench?  And verbage on either/or...
   
       AND, Klimb 4 Kimmy 3 coming up on Saturday March 2nd!!  Asking for $25 to walk, and Andrea's cousin Jack will design t-shirts again this year - $10 each!!
 

They're always there...

                 I haven't lost sight of the mountains Kimmy...

             

                The first year or so that we live here, in Tucson, were giddy times for Kim and I.  We had moved to our personal paradise.  Escaped the snow, pollution, break neck speed pace of the east coast.  We were planning our wedding. Our wedding!  Our apartment complex had more amenities that we ever knew what to do with.  Kim got a job as a vet tech, a dream of hers to work with animals.  We bought our first house together.  Built our first house together!

                And we loved when people asked us 'how long you lived here?'  'Three days!'  "How you liking it?"  "We LOVE the mountains!!!"  Blank stares. No matter how long we had been here, we always went on about how beautiful the mountains are.  How when you came out of work, after a long day, no matter which direction you happened to be facing, you'd be mesmerized by one of the four mountain ranges surrounding Tucson...the stress ebbing out of you as you soaked in their beauty.

              "I guess after you've lived here for awhile, you kinda forget about the mountains." We were told. 

          Or; "You just get so hung up with work, errands and daily life, that you don't notice the mountains so much."

              I can tell you, emphatically, we never took our mountain views for granted.  We'd point out to each other, how different they appear at various times during the day, because of the way the sun hit them.  Sometimes reddish, sometimes purplish.  The shadows accenting different formations and canyons.  Especially the Catalina's, to the north, with Sabino Canyon in the forefront.  And the Rincon mountains to the east at sunrise.  The Tucson mountains to the west take on a prehistoric glow at sunset.  And the Santa Rita mountains to the south look incredible as our monsoon takes shape.  And when there was snowfall (we loved when it was just on the mountains, not too cold down here!), they were stunning.  It seems that with each month and season, they look just a little bit different.
              The angles that you are coming at them make a big difference, too.  We liked the northwest side of the Catalina's, up by Pusch Ridge.  Hiking in Catalina State Park with our 'first born' Cajun.
               And noticed that driving along Mary Ann Cleveland Way (a REAL person, I've met her!), coming back from Vail or Cienega H.S., the Rincon's appear nearly parallel to the Catalina's. You can barely make out Reddington Pass from such an angle.
              Driving back up from Tubac,  you get a great angle of the Santa Rita's and the huge observatory that is on it's eastern peak (my buddy, Mike, works up there, aiming the telescope to different point for the astrologists).  The scorched desert stretching to that outcrop of rock makes me think of the photos I've seen of the Serengeti.

               Each set of mountains...shows a different look...a different face highly dependent on the light, clouds, height of the sun.  And, in the instant that you are admiring it - the moment you decided to pull over to take a photo - it can change that quickly!

 

From every part of the city - a new perspective...delivering books to Amphi High School, I tell Kim - "I see them honey.  They look beautiful"...

 

Taking games and books and scooping ice cream for the folks at Ellie Towne Community Center, which is the home of Catholic Community Services...I can see them!

 

 

                                     Early clouds as we leave our neighborhood on the Rincon's.

                                      Across the desert, just outside our neighborhood, the Rincon's meet the Catalina's.

                        The Catalina's, obscured by clouds with a burst of sunshine on their foothills...taken just outside of Baggin's where I took Breanna, Autumn and Antonio for lunch the other day (and we made a big deal over the bread "This sandwich is sooooo good!  Did you do something different?"  The lady told us the bread now is baked at Viro's Italian Bakery...To which we replied "It is AMAZING!!  You need to let your manager know we LOVE the bread!!").


                        The mountains.  We loved them.  They are amazing, majestic and ever changing...We never took their beauty for granted - and that feeling permeated throughout our relationship...we lived for each moment.  I know that I could have spent days, weeks and months taking photos of the mountains to show you the differences that I am talking about....
                         I show the bambini, every day, telling them to look!  Look at how the Santa Rita's look with a monsoon rumbling across them.  Look!  Look at the sun peeking over the Rincon's to say good morning.  Look!  Look at the lengthening shadows playing over the Catalina's in the late afternoon - or the dusting of snow on the top of Mt Lemon.  And the bright shades of red, spilling over the Tucson Mountains at sunset. 

                          Incredible.

                          And yet again, I remember Kim's enthusiasm for life.  Her unselfish, giving, loving, caring approach to each and every day.  For Kim, life was like our beautiful mountains - evolving with the day - every moment different, yet wonderful...

 

 

Epiphany

            The Epiphany - now we know.  Tonio came out of CCD class this morning, Angie and I were there to greet him.  He had a big smile on his face.  "How it go?"  "Great!" he exclaimed, with his usual Kim-ish cheer.  We told him that we were going to take him to breakfast.
      "Uh, Viro's is closed today...where will we go?"  he asked,  a small shadow of doubt/concern crossed his little face.  "Jerry Bob's!"  Angie told him.  His smile returned in an instant, a glow of anticipation..."Yay!", as if Angie had told him we were going to Disneyland!!

             It was a good Mass, I always like the story of how the three wise men came to find Jesus and came to 'know' who he was, and have that moment of clarity (an epiphany!)...Tonio seemed to have one of those during CCD...on the way to the car, he told me that they had an assignment today, to think about someone in their life who gives you a good example and shows you how to follow Jesus.  There were to write them a thank you note, explaining ways he or she has helped you. 
            Tonio explained that Mama and I were who helped him follow Jesus.  I was intrigued...me?  I wasn't sure how, but, more importantly, I wanted to hear how he thought Kim still helped him, right now, follow Jesus.  "Mama helped me to believe.  I know that she believed.  I know that she is in Heaven, helping me."  I told him how Mama had looked me in the eyes and told me, as she gripped my wrist, hard, so as to have my full attention, that she knew where she was going.  I only had to look into her eyes to know...Of course, I always believed whatever she told me, but, this time was different - I didn't just believe because it was Kim telling me - it was as if I could see, too, through her eyes...so deep...Epiphany.  I told him about my dream the other night, where Kim called me on my cell, to tell me she was doing fine - and I could hear/see the beauty she was calling me from...

             Like everything else, breaks seem to go faster and faster!  We did not accomplish a whole lot during the bambini's vacation, trading around a persistent cold coupled with unnaturally chilly weather (we need to move somewhere warmer!).
            But, these guys did have some down time to play video games - Tonio glued to his new Sklanders, Cody to Black Ops, Autumn bouncing back and forth and sometimes just finding games on the computer to play.  Mixed in with a little t.v. - Cody and I enjoyed 'That's My Boy' with Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg (with hilarious appearances by Vanilla Ice and Todd Bridges!), while Aut and Tonio stuck with Spongebob (except for a brief dalliance with South Park, which, to their protests, I had to squash!  Although, one of the episodes I caught, was about Scientology and had Tom Cruise going crazy in it - pretty funny!).

             Christmas at Angie's had to be the high point, but, we found some time to get to the movies - seeing Monsters Inc in 3D (Thanks for the Fandango gift cards Mary and Ami!!!!).

 

                  LOVE those three D glasses!  Breanna wanted us to save them all for her Papa (Mark), who had gotten Angie a 60" 3D t.v. for their anniversary - so thoughtful!!  Monsters Inc has always been one of our favorites - Kim used to like to call Aut 'Boo' - when this movie first came out, Kim sometimes put Aut's hair in pig tails and she thought Aut resembled Boo a little in looks and personality.


               A growing phenomenon seems to be hamburger joints.  We have no less than 135 different chains now.  McD's, In and Out, Five Guys and Some Monkeys, Zinburger, Culvers, Sonic...to name a couple.  And Autumn noticed an alarming amount of them serve something called 'custard'.  She does not think that sounds at all appetizing.
              We like burgers, so like the fact that we have choices!  After enjoying a day at the movies, we had the pleasure of joining up with Mary, Emilio and Brinley for Freddy's burgers!  The adults went for the double burgers - and we all found the burgers worthy of repeat visits - Tonio, throwing the proverbial curve and choosing a hot dog, but, said it was one of the best!  Brinley decided that the french fries were the best, and when she got done with hers, joined Breanna and Autumn to help them finish theirs!

 

Those fries are the perfect size for Brinley and oh so tasty!

                                                         A new favorite burger joint!

               Another milestone that I reached - I watched a football game.  It may have been the first football game that I have watched from start to finish, sans bambini, in 15 years!  Emilio happens to be a Bengals fan.  Perhaps one of the only ones in Tucson, and certainly one of the only Bengals fans that I have ever met.  They made the playoffs and Mary and Emilio invited us over to watch the game, versus the Houston Texans with a couple of Emilio's buddies.
               I should have gotten a few photos of the fan gear the Montes' sported!  Emilo even had black and orange Nikes!  Brinley looked so cute in her 'My First Bengals T' outfit and even Mary had a Bengals t-shirt with some bling on it - I am constantly amazed at how the producers of fan gear continue to innovate on the selection of clothing - especially for ladies - wish they had as much back in the day, Kimmy would have loved sporting some of the new styles!! 
                As the game started, Mary took Brinley, Tonio and Aut with her to go play with Ami's kids, the Bunchkins - Hunter, Colton and Ethan.
                The Montes' were most ready to root on the Bengals and I felt bad that I didn't wear some of the black and orange that I own (Philadelphia Flyers and Baltimore Orioles gear)!  They also had a great spread of tortillas, guacamole, cheese dips, popcorn, and shrimp - but, Emilio saved the best for later - his signature burgers!
               Irony or coincidence that I just mentioned that I love a good burger?  Whichever, Emilio grilled some of the largest burgers I've ever had, perfectly seasoned and topped with fresh avocado, sliced jalapeno, cheese and ketchup!  I needed to be rolled outta there.
              His friend and business partner (look me up if you need any auto, life, renter's insurance and I'll give you their number!) and I had some things in common:  Fans of football teams with only 4 victories - Tony likes the Raiders, me the Eagles.  He is also a fan of the Flyers (not that there is any NHL going on right now), Sixers and Phillies.  Tony brought along some Dos Equis, one of my favorite beverages.  I've always enjoyed have a lime with my Mexican beers, and sometimes add a little salt, as is customer here in Tucson - but Tony introduced me to placing a saladito in the beer, in addition to the lime - adding a salty flavor, with a hint of chili.  A new favorite!

              What, exactly is a saladito?  Here's what Wikipedia will tell you:

Saladitos are dried, salted plums, which can also be sweetened with sugar and anise or coated in chili and lime.
They are considered a candy in Mexico, though they originate from China. In Mandarin, the name for saladitos is "Suan-Mei", literally "sour plum". A common way to eat them is to take a few and stuff them into an orange or lemon, sucking the salted juice and allowing the saladito to rehydrate from the juice. Once all the juice is drunk, you eat the saladitos and discard the pits. A common misconception is that saladitos and chamoy are the same thing; saladitos are made from dried plums and chamoy are made from dried apricots.
Some eat the saladito without any fruit, and discard the pit, while others rinse the saladito with water, and then eat it plain.
On some occasions, to spice up drinks, a few saladitos are put at the bottom of drinks like Sprite, or Ginger Ale or beer. Once the saladito is placed in the soda, bubbles will begin to rise immediately. The saladito adds a new and different flavor to the drink. In Taiwan, a popular plum drink is made by soaking several saladitos in a pitcher of water until the plum re hydrates and flavors the water.

               I told Emilio and Tony about our introduction to saladitos - after our first walk up A mountain for cancer back in '95, a lady approached us and asked if we needed to rehydrate "This will help!" she assured us with a winning smile.  I popped on in my mouth, liking the saltiness, and bit into it, nearly breaking my molars on the plum pit hidden within!  Kim was doing the same thing at the same time - she looked at me, with a grimace, spit it out and said something cute/hilarious and vindictive about 'getting' that lady who duped us with saladitos!!  Of course, once we understood what they were, we both came to enjoy them!
             Angie typically has them in cut fruit for her Easter celebration - the fruit takes on their flavor and is incredible!!

             Even thought the Bengals lost their game, it was still a great time...as I was driving to round up the little ones, having missed them, but knowing they were in good hands and having a great time, I realized it was about the second time in two years that I'd been without the kids, except when I was at work or they were at school...
            ...arriving at Ami's, the triplets were excited to show me their new bikes that Santa had brought them (well, Colton and Ethan were!), taking me off to the garage where they proudly, and with so much expression, stood next to their Spiderman bikes!  Then, they both grew quiet, almost reverent, both touching the white and purple bike in between theirs "This is Hunter's" they said, gazing at her bike as if it was the most beautiful thing in the world!  "It's beautiful."  I told them, breaking their spell - they were glad I saw the beauty and raced back inside (but not before we turned out the lights, screamed, turned them back on.  Then off again, screamed, turned them back on - a couple of times). Hunter, Tonio and Autumn were melted into the couch - apparently Mary had drugged them with lasagna!  Brinley had caught an second wind, chasing Ethan around the couch...They all had a fun day - Autumn and Tonio told me about how well the triplets can ride their bikes - they started their day over at Mary and Ami's mom, Debi's, house watching them ride in the cul de sac, before heading over to Ami's.  They enjoyed their time with Brinley and the triplets!


          After the Epiphany Mass and breakfast with Angie - we got down to business!  Time to prepare for getting the bambini back to school - plus a full work schedule for me.  Tonio and I literally spent the rest of the day cooking!
          Lookit - we are using all four burners (I lamented the burner constraints and Tonio right away said "we should turn some of this counter top into more burners!")

             

 

We have rice going in the first pot on the left, marinara sauce in the 'nice pot' right behind it, some chicken in the small pot, right hand corner and in the 'big pan', stir fried veggies!

 

 

Chef Tonio keeps it all going!!

 

 

It was a busy day, cooking, cleaning, packing lunches - mourning Viro's closing on Sunday's...and wondering how Rosa and Vito chose to spend their day ("We should show up in their drive way" Angie told me after church - that would have been hilarious - if we brought a couple of chairs and just sat out front...)...and looking back on the two weeks the bambini were off - it was a nice time, we got to spend a lot of it together and with friends and family (we missed the Barrio's family, who spent time in El Paso - prayin' for their safe return to Tucson!)...

 

Another coincidence...my sister, Lauren, texted me, as I was writing this Epiphany post, asking me to shed a little light on the Epiphany...impressed with my explanation (except,  perhaps with why the Wisemen might have been slightly delayed in finding Jesus ; ) ) and also with me letting her know yesterday, 1/5, was St. Neumann's feast day - her husband, Jason, did his graduate work at Neumann in Philadelphia (St. Neumann was Bishop of Philly back in the 1850's), Laur proclaimed that I should be a Deacon!  Now that gave me a good laugh!!  I told her I was nearly done writing the Epiphany post and asked if I could quote her..."Of course!"...

 

And there you have it.  A nice Christmas season for the bambini, punctuated by the Epiphany!!

 

Thanks for all of you who participate in bringing smiles their way (not even the cold and wind could melt those smiles!)...and, as always, thank you for reading....

 

 

 

The Second Day of '13

 

LOVE these shots that Ami got of Aut and Tonio!!!

 

  It has been one of those holiday seasons...and the bambini have found various and creative ways to stabilize me...Autumn, as usual, the point.  Today, she cooked a breakfast of pancakes, bacon and oatmeal, by herself.  Knowing I was hurting, she put on her brave face and dug in.  Deep.  She burned the pancakes and her brothers lined up behind her, saying they were great.  Cody...taking on a bigger role, around the house, keeping his little sister and brother in line and chipping in around the house as we consolidate the garage...taking down the Christmas lights from the eves that he and Brendon had hung.  Did I mention achieving Honor Roll at the last possible moment, after a particularly challenging quarter??  And Tonio, the sweetest of them all.  Offering to help out where he can, taking a break from 'Skylanders', which Santa brought him for Christmas.
   Tonight, we went out to help out a friend in need...who tried to turn the tables and do me a 'favor'...the bambini were amused, and a little taken a back, but satisfied with how I resolved the nearly embarrassing situation and Autumn playing it over and over, laughing, imagining....

    Yesterday was Bella's 3rd birthday...and the bambini presented her with a Flinstone's bone!  She took it everywhere with her all day!!  This girl has given them so many smiles, especially Cody, which warms my heart.  How did Kim know??  I ask myself that, and her, often.  Bella was such a terror, that even Kim second guessed herself.  Until that last time she came home from St Joseph's, and I proudly presented her a reformed pup...she couldn't believe how loving Bella was becoming!  This girl is so excited, each morning, to greet each kid as they awake.  She will play with them constantly, until they tell her it's time to stop, and they move on to other things.  The warmth and love that Bella brings to them is immeasurable.  Happy Birthday girl!

        Post traumatic stress syndrome.  Applied to a lot of things these days.  Soldiers returning from the middle east.  Survivors of shootings.  People involved in robberies, etc.  The reading I've done, and how I feel...well, I've had post traumatic stress syndrome a Dr told me, as it relates to the events of losing my wife, mother of my children and best friend of 33 years...
         I've lost some 'help' or 'support' along the way...and that is ok.  Again, the reading and what friends tell me, is that following a traumatic event, most 'support' gets back to their daily life after about 6 months.  That is consistent to our experience.  Again, that is fine.  Talking to others, who have lost a spouse through death or divorce, they typically do not hang out with the same crowd that they used to...which makes sense.
          When something like this happens, most people say 'I understand'.  And I believe that.  But, after awhile, they want you to get back on track and move on.  It is not hard to believe that everyone is busy and have different agendas. So, to keep the good people that might still be around, you find the right smile to let them know everything is ok.
           The 'blessing' associated with post traumatic stress syndrome, is a loss of short term memory.  I resemble that. Mine is shot. So if I ever start to tell you the same Kimmy story that I have told before, have mercy on me and smile and nod at the right places.  I don't mean to bore you with a duplicate tale, I sometimes, blissfully, do not remember telling it before.
            The other night, I dreamed that Kim called me, on my cell, to ask me how I was.  In this dream, I knew Kim was in Heaven, and I assured her that I was doing OK and trying to carry on her legacy.  Her spirit of giving and keeping the bambini first.  I took time to ask Kim how she was doing...and she told me, unequivocally, that she was doing fine, she was in a beautiful place...taking care of business...no surprised there!! 

 

 

Bob Marley was always one of our favorite artists...I'm sure Kim has met him by now.  The bambini, especially Tonio, adore his music and Tonio and I have read a recent book of quotes from Bob...

 

Keeping us focused...

A Paella New Year's Eve

       So it was, this New Year's Eve, that we collectively dismantled Christmas.  We typically wait for Three King's Day on January 6th, but it seems our decorations went...stale.  The bambini chattered incessantly, excited about what I would be making them for dinner.
       "Paoli? Dad?  Is that right?"  "No, that's a city outside of Philly.  It's Paella." 
       "Pay who?"  Tonio.  "Ella.  Pay Ella honey."  "How much?"  We are a four man (well, 3 man, 1 woman) insane asylum.

         I had researched recipes online.  Food Network.  Rachel Ray.  Allrecipes.com.  Spanishrecipes.com and, of course, Giada (Kim's favorite) DeLaurentis (she had a paella recipe that she used pasta in, instead of rice).  The bambini wanted seafood - which Paella has in it - so I adapted several recipes and made an all seafood Paella tonight!

          I was excited to try out the Paella pan that Andrea had gotten me for Christmas!  Just a little bit of olive oil  to simmer 3 minced cloves of garlic, 1/2 cup of chopped, white onion, 1 chopped red bell pepper and 2 cups of rice.  I let the rice brown, slightly (about 3-5 minutes) before adding 1 quart of chicken stock, 1 cup of chopped Italian parsley, 1 bay leaf and the zest from 2 lemons. You can add 1 tsp of crushed red pepper at this point to, if you want a little kick to it (I did - Autumn noticed, my poor little guerra - she does not care for spicy foods).  Brought that to a boil, reduced heat to low and covered with tinfoil for 20 minutes.

          Meanwhile, in the 'big pan' Andrea got me last Christmas, I sauteed 1 lb of shrimp in a little olive oil and sprinkled it with paprika.  When the shrimp was pink on both sides, I placed it in a bowl and worked on the 1 lb of scallops in the same pan.  I put 1 tblsp of butter and 1/2 cup of white wine in the pan and cooked the scallops for about 5 minutes.

 

And while all that was going on, I pulled out the 'nice pot' that, you guessed it, Andrea had given me two Christmas' ago to boil up the clams!

 

                   Meanwhile, the rice mixture, once it got to the 10 minute point, I stirred it up, using Kim's happy spoon

  
       and added the mussels to the Paella pan.  At 5 minutes, I added 1 cup of frozen peas to the Paella pan and stirred it up again (Bob Marley style).
       At the 20 minute mark, I added the cooked shrimp and stirred it all together - bringing oohh's and ahhh's from the assembled bambini - circling like sharks.  Then the scallops.  When the clams had all popped open, I added them in, stirred some more and covered it up again to simmer for a couple minutes while I rounded up Brendon and Cody who had turned our drive way into a skate park, complete with ramp.

          
               I was pretty excited to try it - love seafood!  It was amazing how this pan helped the process along, the weight and dimples in it distributing the heat evenly.  I might try a few things differently next time, but liked the way it turned out tonight.  It's pretty much like the cioppino we've traditionally eaten on Christmas Eve.

 

I can dish it out, and take it!

 

Autumn, Brendon, Cody and Tonio dig it!!  During dinner, I told the kids the story of how, when we were kids, Kim and I would hit the beach in New Jersey.  On Long Beach Island, they had protective barriers to prevent erosion made of massive black boulders every 50 yards or so called 'jetty's'.  They protruded, finger like, out into the sea...

 

 
                        Now, you weren't supposed to walk out these, and the life guards would shrilly blow their whistles to call you back in if they saw you, but Kim and I would go out there after hours.  Hunting for shells, star fish, crabs, etc.  The spray of the waves crashing into the jetty felt great.  The jetty's were also covered with mounds of mussels.  We loved seafood, but it is pricey.  One day, we came up with the brilliant idea to harvest a bucket full of these mussels and steam them up back in our room!  What we didn't realize, was, when you buy mussels in a store or restaurant, they have been de-sanded.  Not sure if all market mussels are farm bred or how they go about de-sanding them. 
                      Well, we boiled them up, prepared to eat the freshest mussels we ever tasted!  Only to find, that it was very much like putting a handful of sand in your mouth and chewing!!  Crunchy!!  We were deterred.  The next day, we picked another bucket full and placed this batch in a fresh bucket of seawater overnight - thinking that maybe they'd work a lot of the sand out of their little bodies.  Not so much.  Still came out like chewing on sand!!  Ahhh, we sure had fun...

 

 

 

                     

              

 

         

Year Ending

               I took my eye off of the clock, and the year is gone! The bambini look taller and older to me.  I cleaned closets of the last few days and was amazed at how they had managed to out grow so many clothes! They are wiser, as well, better able to cook, more aware of what needs to be cleaned and willing to help and have a better understanding of our situation.
             What have we learned?  I guess I'm still trying to figure that out...but, 'Not to sweat the small stuff' surely is one thing.  The world is pretty much what we make of it, was another.  We're in this together - we already knew this, but it became cemented and ingrained in '12.  "Tomorrow's another day." as Kim used to tell me.  I get it.  There is always someone, somewhere, sadder, colder and more alone - someone worse off than us.  And, we can't have 365 days of sunshine and temps over 85 degrees.  Sadly.
             There is still so much that I wanted to accomplish this year, things I wanted to do with the bambini and friends...

               We tried to squeeze a little last minute warmth into the remainder of our year:

                Where else to begin?  Viro's!  The bambini begged me to let them sleep in today, missing Mass - Tonio did not have CCD class this week and I did get them out to the San Xavier Mission on Friday morning for Mass and to light candles for Kim and a good friend in need.  It was particularly chilly - and I have gained that Tucson sense of entitlement - I want warm weather and blue skies!  The Mission is not heated, we dressed warm, got there at 8:30, and sat huddled together, nearly on each other's laps, watching our breath (yes, it was that cold!) during the Mass.  The church looked so beautiful, fully decorated for Christmas, all of the statues of the saints decked out in their holiday finest.
                Wait a minute, that was Friday...today, we slept in - but I already told you that...We met Angie, Andrea, Lexy and Breanna at Viro's for lunch.  The breakfast buffet is no longer.  We sure enjoyed it over the last 5 years, but Rosa and Vito are taking a much needed break from the incredibly physical challenge and torrid pace that Sunday's had become.  It is a relentless, non-stop cookfest to keep the bakery length buffet stocked with the millions of offerings that Rosa cooked up!  She tried to keep the selection above the common garden variety breakfast buffet, cooking Italian, Sicilian, Mexican and American dishes.  She always had at least 4 different cakes and pies available for dessert.  Vito Jr. did an amazing job over the years whipping up the finest omelet creations (and getting me hooked on his Belgium waffles with chocolate chips and bacon mixed right into the batter!).  We'd literally roll out of the bakery after a few hours of power eating, followed by lounging and grazing.
               Today, we sat at our usual 'big table' and I introduced the prosciutto panini sandwich to the bambini.  Before Viro's started the buffet, Kim and I would go to the bakery for lunch, following Mass at St. Francis.  We'd almost always share a prosciutto panini. Served on a Sicilian roll, with roasted red peppers, fresh mozz, lettuce, onion, tomato and a balsamic dressing...Autumn and Cody loved it...Tonio, my little meat eater, did not - I think he would have liked just the prosciutto, as he always eats his ham sandwiches with just ham and American cheese - no lettuce, no tomato, no mayo or mustard.  He opted for the Italian Wedding soup - Breanna, Lexy and Andrea joined him on this.  Lexy likes the Buffalo chicken sandwich they serve and can nearly polish off a whole one - fortunately, for me, she can't quite finish it - so I helped!
               Andrea noticed that Autumn was wearing one of Kim's blouses and told her how pretty she looked.  "Thank you. It was my Mama's" Autumn proudly told her.
                Although we mourn the buffet's retirement, we rejoice for Rosa and Vito and wish them more peaceful and restful Sundays!  Much deserved, I might add. Well, not 'might add', I pretty much just did add that. Deservedly.
             
              Again, feeling a sense of urgency, being on the brink of the end of 2012 (and breathing a sigh of relief!), I worked on making some marinara and meat sauce.  Autumn was my little helper in the kitchen today, interested to know about measurements and cooking technique - when do I drop in the onions and garlic?  How do I know when to add the tomatoes?  I could see her mentally taking notes.  She even helped me keep the kitchen clean as we went!
             Angie, Mark, Andrea, Mario, Lexy and Breanna came over for our last big meal of this year - we made nearly 3lbs of angel hair (Angie, Andrea and my favorite! I always feel like I can eat some much more angel hair than any other type of pasta).  The house had been feeling sorta cold over the last few days and it was so good to fill it up and warm it up!  The kids laughter filling the living room - Bella seemed to especially like all of the action!
            We watched the Redskins beat up the Cowboys to win the NFC East in the final game of their season and managed to eat every bit of the meal - pasta, bread and salad - no leftovers!
            My big failing is still  dessert.  Even though Tonio and I banged out biscotti and pizzelles for Christmas, I can't seem to get past cooking the meal and making time or plans to have dessert.
            However, Angie and her 4 daughters had a bakefest the night before Christmas, sending us home Christmas night with this little package of sweets:

                 Kim made the cute marshmallow man cookies!  There were cut outs, brownies (Angie's!  he best!), fudge, pecan/chocolate/pretzels, snickerdoodles, chocolate covered nut clusters, jelly cookies, lemon bars (Janene made those - they were awesome!) and more arranged on a corn flake wreath!!  We passed these around tonight - so my lack of dessert planning was forgiven!

                 The day was a constant reminder of how blessed we are and gave us a great final memory of the year!!

                 Wishing you all good health and plenty of smiles in 2013 - Happy New Year!