Autumn is the great communicator in our family....she is so good about keeping up with email with friends and family. So it is no surprise that she continued to keep everyone up to date on what was going on with her Mama...
Dear Emma,
What's up?! It's not your fault. She is doing a lot better though! She felt better the day before yesterday and yesterday she felt better too so I think she is starting to get better. Still, I don't think she will be home for a while. I know one night she needed more care or something so they had to move her in a different room where she would get a lot more care and stuff and a better air breather and if the air thing stays at 100's or in the high 90's then she is better enough to go back to her old room or a room on same floor like her old room which is really good. I think if it stays like that today then she'll be moved into her old room or a room on the same floor like her old room tomorrow but yesterday the whole time I was there, her breathing thing stayed in the 100's and high 90's. I think she is doing a lot better.
Maybe she will be back next week or something. I don't know when she'll be back home. The doctors didn't say.
Well, I have to get ready now. We're going to the hospital for a little then our neighbors( Hadley's parents) are going to watch us which is good cause then I have Hadley to hang out with and then I think we're going to go back to visit her in the afternoon then come back to Hadley's house until my dad comes and picks us up to go home. I have to go now.
Dear Grammy and Jim,
How are you? Mom says she is feeling better!
We visited her yesterday and the day before yesterday and each day she said she was feeling a little better. I still don't know though when she'll be able to come home. I hope soon. We took Bella for a walk this morning! It's really nice out lately in the morning. We didn't see any animals though except for Bella. Well I have to go get ready now, we're going to visit mom this morning. I miss you and love you!
Love, Autumn
Notes to my sisters...
"Hi guys, thanks for your thoughts and prayers. They mean a lot to us right now. Sorry I can't pick up the phone, but I'm not as strong as Kim and can't speak. I feel like I'm walking through deep water and time moves so strangely. Like one of those bad dreams you have where you can't wake yourself up. FUBAR. Kim actually had a better day today - her pain where the gall bladder came out isn't spasming as often and her breathing is improving, though she is still on oxygen and blood thinners for the clotting in her left lung. The Dr. hopes to stabilize her breathing and clots enough that she can be moved out of ICU by tomorrow evening. Her spirits are still so high - I was there from 9-9 today and enjoyed every moment of her company - she is truly amazing. But, it will be an incredibly long road to recovery. I spoke to her oncologist today, who told me the tumor in her lung is 'old' and has 'cavitized'...I pictured this thing pooping out crap into the rest of her system. So her left lung is pretty compromised... and who knows what other organs this thing has affected. Once she is stable, they can do a PTscan, fill her up with radio active dye, that attaches to bad things in her body and allows them to create a roadmap of where they need to work. So I'm paralyzed of how to proceed - I know eventually I'll have to figure out how to go to work - my D.M. has been so cool, offering to lend me his jigsaw to help out and telling me to just focus on Kim and not worry about work. The schools the kids go to and where Kim work had been incredible - her principal visited last night, Cody's principal called tonight and Aut and Tonio's called yesterday offering assistance. Kim's principal is seeing that she gets paid for this week and next, too, which will be needed. Kim was able to eat jello, broth and drank cranberry juice today, which she really enjoyed...I learned how to be pretty adept at handling a bedpan. And so it goes...
I'll try to call you when I can keep it together enough for you to understand me...Love, Dave"
And, my message to the masses;
OK, So day 5 at St. Joseph's is over, perhaps our longest day yet...
Trying to make things 'normal' for the bambini's, woke up and made them bacon/eggs and took Bella (our 9 month old border collie) for a walk and made it to St. Joseph's by 9:30...Kim had a sad day today. She has been such a ROCK since having her gall bladder out Wednesday and finding that her liver/left lung have tumors and blood clots in her left lung. We shared a good cry around 5. The kids hung out until 1ish and then Amy, our neighbor and Kim's co-worker at Rincon Vista Middle School, came and got the boys. Betsey, our neighbor and another co-worker at Rincon, came and got Autumn shortly after. The kids were able to celebrate Betsey's son, Mitchell's, birthday and had a lot of fun - I just picked them up.
The BIG WINS today: Less morphine and dilaudal (yep, still can't spell that pain killer) and less oxygen need to keep Kim's breathing stable - we are praying that this will lead Kim out of ICU tomorrow and back to a regular room. Her PTT shows her blood levels are now good, too and her blood pressure is good. We were sorry to see the Phillies lose, especially with the mighty 'Casey' at bat, Ryan Howard. We were able to watch the entire game together -something, with 3 kids, we've never done. She is still on Heparin to thin her blood, they did not feel the need to switch to cuminin (oooh, another tough one to spell.) I got Kim a Dr. Pepper t-shirt that she has wanted for a long while and hung it on the chair in her room, willing her to get better to be able to wear it. Tonight, I am printing photos of Laguna Beach and have promised her to get her there as soon as she is strong enough and will tape them to her wall as a motivator.
Thank you to the Knights of Columbus for the beautiful floral display that arrived at our home today - it is appreciated! And thank you all for the continued support and prayers - they help (I brought in a relief rosary today, as the starter wore out)! And, we've learned 'red socks' can be fun in a hospital (thanks for the pair on my windshield Patti, so I can fit in). And my team at Barnes & Noble who have sacrificed their own personal time to be sure that the store is running great so I can be with my family - thank you!
God Bless,
Dave "
I was sure. So sure. I knew that the docs could get it. Keep after it - all of the medical advances over the years? Kim's resolve? You kidding me??? I felt that if I could just give her motivation...she wanted to go to the beach so badly over the last 3-4 years, but one thing or another (excuses. On my part.) prevented us from getting there. So I thought to print photos of Laguna (actually, my old assistant from Toys R Us, Denise, beat me to it!) and hang them in her ICU room...along with the Dr. Pepper shirt she had wanted for a long time...
Here's the thing. We've all experienced the pain of loss. It's not going to just go away. These early emails have been excruciating. But, I am resolved to meet them head on and deal with this. Not just pretend that everything is going great and that time heals all wounds (the biggest bunch of bs I've ever heard). I am using these feeling to motivate me towards furthering Kimmy's Foundation. And getting even more involved at school. And in our community. I'll get past it. For now, though, I need to revisit it. To face it.
The only thing keeping me at all sane at this point, was the tremendous support - which you can read into the emails I sent out.
That remains the same today.
Love,
Dave
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