Nothing is Forever

              1 year.  11 months.  I talked to several people who know loss today...one, lost their significant other 6 years ago and they are still swept under, missing them, by the high tide of grief.

              "So long ago, I don't remember when, That's when they say I lost my only friend."

               I sent this link to another;
 
                http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-hansen/grieving_b_2116801.html

                They responded "Thanks for the link Dave. I am always surprised to read the words of others and think, "Yes, it's just like that!" thinking that only I have felt and experienced what I have been going through. Although we all grieve differently, there are so many similarities, which serves to reassure me that, if nothing else, I am not alone in my grief. Sad that we, and so many others, are all members of this desolate club, but again, it helps to know that, yes, there ARE people out there who get it."  There are some who expect you will be the same, do the same things, act the same way - despite being completely out of your mind!
              
"I seen the sun coming up at the funeral at dawn"

                Incidentally, the link was sent to me from another who lost a spouse.
       
                I checked in with a Bookseller at work today, who had lost their mom in a horrific knife fight, similar to the one I lost Kim in.  I told him that grief would find him like waves.  Some bigger than the others, most a surprise.  He told me that one got him tonight, while straightening in our children's section, he picked up a copy of a book his mom always read to him as a little one 'Guess How Much I Love You'.  Didn't see that coming.  You can try to watch for the waves, and sometimes, you'll be able to get ahead of them and ride them out.  But, other times, they just envelop you, crashing down, as you tumble towards the beach.

"She ran until there was nothing left. She hit the end, it's just her window ledge."


               I didn't set out today to talk to these people about our shared commonality - loss, it just happened that way...

               ...in fact, my day began at San Xavier, watching the most wonderful wedding ever, playing out in my mind - 5/21/1994...While lighting candles for Kim and a friend...

 

"Nothing is forever..."

                   
                   Praying for patience.  It's always so peaceful there.  Today, the 8th grade class of San Xavier school attended Mass.
                   From there, over to Carondelet, to put in a little work for Kim's Foundation...Then to St. Jospeph's to check out the progress on the new chapel...

 

Long ways view from the east side of the chapel

 

This will be the entrance.  Kim's Foundation is helping with this construction!

 

When I was done, of course I ran the steps, but was disappointed that I did not recognize anyone at work today on the 5th floor...

 

Going backward, took the bambini (including Breanna) to see Kevin James' newest movie 'Here Comes the Boom'...I always seem to find some message in movies these days (mostly that whole the hero defies incredible odds to save the day and ride off into the sunset with the girl).  It seems there is always something to remind me of Kim.  And there was.  In one scene, Salma Hayek, the girl of Kevin James dreams, shows up to see one of his fights and she is dressed up for the occasion.  It made me think of how Kim used to like to pick out outfits especially for me. 

So, if your loved one has not died in a knife fight, next special occasion, cherish that they tried to pick out some shirt. Or pair of pants.  Or skirt.  Or boots.  Or did their hair differently.  For you.  And make sure that you enjoy the moment!

 

The movie was funny, the kids all loved it (we even got Cody to attend!) and we met up with Andrea and David at Chuy's...yes, we are thankful that they reopened!!  Watched a little Monday night football, ate some good food and re-energized.

"But somewhere here,
 in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death, it must be killin' me"

 

Step back into today...on the way home from work, around 11PM, and channel surfing, I came across the Wallflowers "One Headlight".  This was one of Kim and I's summer theme songs.  I remember preparing to drive across country, the 2500 miles, to Philadelphia and thinking this was a great driving song.  Kim agreed and we played it over and over...

  And, interspersed throughout this post, are some lyrics from this tune.  I added it to Kim's 'playlist' - click on it and sing along, if you wish.  It is a catchy tune.  We had so. Much. Fun.  Making our way across this country of ours.  This was my wave for the day...Mostly, I can now see them coming now and ride them.

 

'Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome"  It's come up.  It's why the people I spoke to today relive their loss over and over.  It's why time moves strangely.  It's different for everyone, there can be no time table or deadline for it to pass.  I never thought of it that way.  I think I've always associated this syndrome with combat.  A battle.  But, that's what it was, only I couldn't shoot at the enemy.  It makes sense.  And, I told another friend today, who's been there through the thickest of it all, ("Got to keep the loonies on the path" ok, that's Pink Floyd, not from the Wallflowers). I do feel stronger each day.  Focusing on the bambini, who continue to ask questions...everything from wanting to hear about our first 'dates' when we were 12, to what Mama knew....

 

Thank you, as always, for listening...