Antonio

 

             On the same morning that Angelo was set up to have open heart surgery, I woke at 5:00 to get ready for work.  Our pup, Belle, who sleeps with me, doesn't mind waking up so early.  Ask her.  She will tell you she loves to start her day by going outside.  While she does her business, I do knee stretches, now 8 months removed from surgery, most days it feels pretty good.  The dogs will not let me stretch it out though, preferring to hop on top of me when I am in the most prone position and showering me, literally, with love. After my stretches, I let Belle back in and she trots down the hall to Tonio's room.  Angel, our other pup, likes to sleep with Tonio.  She will shimmy beneath the blankets, burying herself and cuddle up against Tonio keeping him warm and safe through the night.  She has a sensitive stomach though, so for years my routine is to wake her up, give her a little breakfast, let her out and put both pups back in with Tonio.  They will let him sleep longer having been outside and getting a little something in their tummies.

                     

                                                                       Belle

Angel and Tonio

On this morning, October 20th, I happened to be texting with a friend and flipped on the hall light as I walked towards Tonio's room.  In the light, I could see that Angel had gotten sick at the foot of the bed, so I removed the blanket and told Tonio I would get him a new one.  When I returned with his clean blanket, Tonio was having a full out seizure.  Eyes rolled up, bloody foam coming out of his mouth, shaking uncontrollably...I lost it.

I jumped on his bed, cradling him, begging him to wake up.  Yelling at him, asking what's wrong, Tonio!?!!?  I wanted to believe it was a bad dream.  The kind you are powerless to wake up from.  Cody had suffered night terror and I prayed that's what it was.  

For one timeless second, Tonio's head swiveled towards me and he said 'Hi Dad'....

My friend I had been texting with told me to dial 911 and get him on his side so he would not asphyxiate if he vomited.  It took forever until I could hear the approaching scream of sirens.  I held Tonio so tight, pleading with him to be ok.  As our house became bathed in the surreal reds and blues of the fire engine and ambulance's lights, I had an intense flashback to 12/13/10 - the early morning ambulance coming for Kim's final ride...it was so real, I was actually there, just for a moment...and then the paramedics began filling my house, talking over one another with instruction, questions, taking care of Tonio.

Thankfully, he cannot remember any of it.  I can never forget.  It is etched in my memory.  The ER near our house took a CT, bloodwork and replenished his fluids.  All tests came back negative.

To say he doesn't deserve this is inane.  Nobody deserves this.  But Tonio...he is a remarkable young man.  You hear of people who like to put others first.  And those who frequently put others first.  Kim was like that.  Tonio always puts others first.  The time in the ER gave me a millennium to think and rehash - I cannot recall him saying 'I want'  or 'I need' or suggesting we do this or go there.  He simply always thinks of everyone else first!!  It's in his heart.  He is truly selfless.  Always helping me around the house and asking what else he can do.  Worrying over his sister and brother and making sure they are ok.  Thinking of friends, family, teachers, and of course, his pets, before his own needs.  It's how he is wired.  His ghost corn snake, Cruiser, bearded dragon, Jake and our two pups get his attention throughout the day for food, cage cleaning, walks and hugs.

Since I began this post, all the way back in December, Antonio has had two more major seizures. One evening, after a 13 hours shift at Amazon, I came home to find Antonio and Autumn preparing dinner for me...amazing kids. We talked and then I made my way to the bedroom to change, still talking. There was a sudden silence, it was as if the earth itself had stopped for a moment. I cocked my head listening, nearly simulateneously a crash and a thud and a horrifying shriek from Autumn that made me feel so cold. As I sprinted to the kitchen, there was Antonio on the floor with his sister cradling his head and trying to talk him through his seizure. I can't describe to you the tidal wave of emotions as we tried to help him, but there really isn't anything we can do but try to keep him safe. I was struck by Autumn's loving, caring bravery in the face of having to witness her brother convulsing on the cold, hard tile as she tried to protect him. The ambulances have been hard on all of us. It is a deep mercy that Antonio has no recollection of them. I can hear them before I can see them. It is still dark out each time. As they close in on our neighborhood, their lights slip between the trees and the houses, bathing everything in a surreal wash of blues and reds. What it feels like is seeing it all from under water. The sirens pierce the area and they sound like desparation. Or is it salvation? These last couple times its that. Salvation. Thank God. The experience - being under water, hearing the sirens, seeing the strobing lights - flashes me back to the early morning hours of December 13th, 2010. That night, it was desparation... And it's Kendrick Lamar filling my mind... "Look, I feel like I can't breathe Look, I feel like I can't sleep Look, I feel heartless, often off this Feelin' of fallin', of fallin' apart with Darkest hours, lost it The feelin' is toxic, I feel like I'm boxin' demons... Ain't nobody praying for me." Now, it's been 5 months since he has had an episode. His doctors have him on 2000 mg of Keppra, have continued to run tests, including an overnight EEG at Tucson Medical Center and feel the medication is doing its job in preventing seizures.

To say Tonio has been strong would be an understatement. Stoic, a fighter in every sense of the word? Better, but still not quite. He has taken everything in stride and has done research to help him through, changing his diet to reduce carbs, which can be a common factor in triggering seizures, losing 25 lbs along the way. He has become so much more introspective, routine driven and pragmatic throughought this journey. Every day is a new challenge - thank God covid is lifting and he has been able to see his southwest cousins, aunt and uncles much more which is helping him through. School has been an incredible challenge, as he struggles to relearn concepts lost to seizures and fight fears, depression and insomnia that have been a part of the aftermath. One day, last month, on a cool overcast morning, he wanted to go to Arizona Sonoran Desert Museum. A place he loves. A place he has visited since birth a thousand times. He has a great love of animals and has recently been talking about pursuing a career in that field. Kim and I became members in 1994 and always have taken the kids there - they never grow tired of the spacious grounds, the environments created for the desert animals and the outdoor experience. Tonio could walk that place blindfolded - or in his sleep. Except today, as we entered, when I asked him what he wanted to see first, he replied 'The otters' - his mama's favorites. I started off down the path and noticed Tonio has started down a different path. He quickly corrected himself and joined me. As we wound our way through the cacti and desert flora, I noticed a lost look on his face and a growing anxiety that seemed to form a cloud around him. I stopped and asked him if he was feeling ok...He said 'Dad, I don't remember being here. I can't remember how to find the otters.' My heart was breaking for him as he stood there looking around, trying to catch some sense of where he was - anything familiar. He related to me that a lot of his memories had been erased - stolen - by the seizures. In that moment, I embraced him and promised him we would make him new memories. Together.

I don't know what is next for Antonio. I only know that I am trying to do everything I can to help him. Graduation looms and is a huge question mark. His teachers and adminstrators have been patient. And gracious in working with him to help him get his grades up to be able to walk across that stage on May 26th. But he missed so much time. And covid took more, as he was relegated to online learning, which isn't an easy method to relearn calculus or to take ceramics II. Now that the schools have re-opened, Tonio finds himself going back and forth between virtual and in class studies. Depending on how much sleep he was able to get the night before. And how high his confidence level is that morning. His major assignment, Senior Exit Project, combines a research paper with job study. He is working on interviewing people in the animal field. Like Dr. Karen Burrows, who Kim worked for as a vet tech a million years ago and tabbed her to help open Ventana Animal Hospital. But, it is a struggle, as he can't quite remember what he is working towards - how the interview and presentations are structured. I am praying for him and trying to help...right now he needs prayers...and someone stronger than me.

His kindergarten teacher, Mary, took some outstanding photos of Tonio for his senior pics. He chose Agua Caliente Park - another Kim favorite and same spot his sister chose 3 years ago - Mary did an amazing job with her photo shoot then and she was able to capture Antonio in amazing fashion as well.

When he does walk across that stage, he will have worked hard - fought - and earned every step...

2020

 

                 What can we say about 2020?  It just keeps giving.  I know so many people affected by challenging events, coupled with COVID, that I just have to keep counting my blessings...

                 This last month has been the most trying, testing faith and I leave it to Meek Mill who tells me to remember, that even on my worst day, I live like somebody on their greatest.  And so do you.

                Let's start by catching up with Cody.  He and Jessica have grown such a beautiful little family.  Little Vincenzo is a year and a half and is such a joy.  He has a fantastic character, fun loving, adventurous and great energy.  Love him so much. And Angelo is now 5 months old and has been through so much.  Yet, he smiles all the time and has a special light in his eyes.  This boy, at a week old, needed to have three stents placed in his heart to correct a defect that was not allowing him to get enough oxygen.  God bless that surgeon, I cannot imagine operating on a baby, so small.  He bounced back nicely, but Jess and Cody were advised that he would need open heart surgery around three months.

                               

                                     Marveling over the turtles at Agua Caliente Park

                                       Aut and Tonio spend some time with Cody and Enzo

Angelo, post open heart surgery

              I have been so blessed with three healthy children, who never had surgery or any serious illness.  Cody broke a collar bone playing football in 8th grade, which was traumatic, but it barely slowed him down.  I cannot imagine getting the news that at a week old, one of my babies needed open heart surgery...I would be out of my mind.  The grace with which Jess and Cody handled this situation was amazing.  The surgeon had the hands of God.  Our family made more treks out to San Xavier on candle lighting missions and prayed the rosary more than any time since Kim fell ill.  Once again, I know she had Cody and his family wrapped in her arms...

            The surgeon made a 3-D sculpture of Angelo's heart and showed Jess and Cody exactly what his plan was and how it would work.  But before the intended date of the surgery could arise, Angelo began to struggle for air and for his life.  These guys ended up back and forth between the hospital and then stayed 2 and a half weeks by their baby boy's side.  Angelo had outgrown one of the stents and could not get the oxygen he needed.  Again, the horror Jess, Cody and Vincenzo faced - I cannot imagine.  I felt helpless, as with COVID, we were unable to visit the hospital.  They rotate shifts and little 'Enzo was left to wonder what had become of his baby brother and missed his mom when she was with Angelo, and then his dad when he took a turn.  He was so happy when Angelo successfully had surgery and was allowed to go home - he smiled and laughed the whole ride home.

Angelo's recovery has been miraculous.  He has improved each week.  His parents are nothing less than amazing, taking turns nursing this little guy back to health, so loving, so caring.  And Enzo provides love and support as well, sharing his toys and making his little brother smile...

So proud of this family!  They are strong and close - two hard working parents and two sweet kids.  

The doctors have told them, that Angelo will need another surgery between 5 and 10 years old.  They have already faced so much, but, like with everything, they approach it with a great attitude.  Instead of being down and depressed, they embrace and enjoy every moment with their family.

Blessed.

Time stopped

"Hello, hello, hello...
And I thought about you today
And I thought about the things you used to say
And I thought about the things we did
And I thought about the games we used to play...
I always thought we'd be together
I always knew we'd be together
Oh what do I do now?
I don't want to wait forever"
-J Cole

  Being with Kim, time had a habit of getting stopped.  That moment, another time we got stuck.  That moment forever and always doomed to keep happening in my head.  I try to capture those moments in my tattoos, forever inked - better than a photograph, which fade with time, bend or tear.  But there are so many...

  While Autumn captured a Kimmy sentiment, literally using Kim's hand writing to do it...Love yours...I tried to sum up all of those moments where time really did stop.  For us.  On the beach, it was as if we were on our own island.  No worries, hand in hand.











   I still love the beach, it's where the memories are strongest.  And comforting.  Over the years, my favorite beach has been in Mexico.  About 20 miles south of Puerto Penasco - Playa Encanto.  It is absolutely soothing to sit on the beach there, warm sand beneath my feet, and look out to the Sea of Cortez.  I've totally lost track of time doing it, ending up pretty toasty from the sun.  Well, to tell the truth, it happens every time...the sound of the waves so hypnotizing, cool breeze, pelicans in lazy flight searching for fish and an occasional dolphin that I imagine is Kim dropping by to say hello.

   Long walks on that beach, along the waters edge - and any problem that's been keeping you awake at night is washed away in the surf.  Diving in the warm waters is like being renewed, a baptism in the sea.  I've witnessed many sunrises and sunsets there - they are each uniquely miraculous.  The colors intertwining together and the flash as the sun dips below the horizon into the water is revitalizing.

   The little town of Puerto Penasco is equally cathartic.  The energy there, the bustle of the local shops, sea food merchants and restaurants is a place I can get lost, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells.  Sitting on the balcony of a seafood restaurant, overlooking the harbor, watching the fishing boats return from a days work while sipping a cold cerveza - still feeling the heat of the sun emanating from my overcooked skin - is so relaxing.  The merchants sell some fantastic fruit, mangoes my favorite with tajin and chamoy, artistically transforming them into a flower before handing them to you on a stick.  Even the haggling in the shops for trinkets or clothing is an experience I enjoy.


























      The statues throughout the town represent the local culture and their lively hood - the Sea of Cortez.  My favorite is the El Camaronero - The Shrimp Fisherman, located in the Plaza de Malecon.  It's a great plaza, with local fruit stands and merchants throughout.  And El Camaronero oversees the the whole scene, looking wistfully out at the sea.

All of the memories here, the peace this beach has brought to me...

are now a part of me.

A friend sent this 'Kim Conca Sunset' from the other day...

She's always there

17

            Ahhhhhh birthdays....Kim would make you feel so special on what she loved to call 'your special day'!!  We had a running joke between us, that started on each other's birthday, but somehow spread to when ever one of us would ask the other 'what would you like to do today?'...the other would answer 'I don't know, it's YOUR special day!!'.  Always cracked us up.

             I do really try to make each kid's birthday something for them to remember.  I always will ask if there is anything they have been wanting or needing.  Tonio, having that big heart from his mom, always has some incredible answers.  One time, he told me that he would really like the sandwich he ordered to be served looking, or even close to looking, as good it does on the menu, or the posters they have around the menu board on the wall!!!  That's a tough one - the burgers always look thicker and juicer in the photos they use to advertise them!  Needless to say, I couldn't deliver on that.
           I have to say, I am fortunate that my kids never got hung up on name brands or high end items.  Their requests have always been practical, idealistic and they seem to keep in mind my budgetary constraints.

            This year, when I asked Tonio what he really wanted for his birthday, once again, his answer was selfless and deep.  He paused a moment, holding his pose, eyes looking up and away...

            "Really dad, all I want is to go out to dinner with the people that I care about"

           Typically has never been a problem...COVID rears its ugly head once again.

            We have long had the tradition of allowing the birthday child to choose where they would like everyone to meet to celebrate.  Again, Tonio always thinking of others - first, Autumn.  He reasoned it would be easiest on her if he chose a place near our home, as he knew Aut would be working until 6:30, 7ish on his bday (she can rarely get off early).  He also mentioned that the people he would like to come all live in our area, so it would be easiest for them to make it...THEN, being Tonio, he says;

           "but dad, it's cool if nobody can make it this year, it really is."

            As parents, we just want the best for our children.  As parents, we sometimes feel their pain more than they do.  Even when they are this logical and are thinking of others, we just want more for them.  I guess it's a part of the process.

           He chose Lonchos.  Almost walking distance.  A great new Mexican place that opened recently, despite COVID and has amazing food.  Best part, we know the family that works there from one of our favorite after church (before church was canceled) breakfast spots, the Breakfast Stop.  The mom, Ana, cooks from scratch - best birria and corn tortillas I've ever had.  Autumn swears by Ana's pozole.  Her daughters, Kim and Amy wait tables and tend bar.  They take such good care of us.  When we arrived on Tonio's birthday, Ana told Aut she had made her ceviche, even though it is not on the menu, as she knows it's Aut's favorite.  She made Tonio a special plate of nachos while he waited for his birria tacos to arrive.  Kim decorated a table with balloons, etc and they had a gift for Tonio.  It was Kim's birthday too, so she joined us for a time.  They kept us entertained and before we knew it, it was 12:30 a.m.  Tonio had a big smile and a full belly.

Autumn's newest creation...the chocolate gelato cake!!  New favorite!!

That morning, Tonio wanted to go to breakfast to our favorite diner, Bread & Butter.  They have the most amazing chile cheese omelets and hash browns!!  Of course, everyone there knows Tonio and the manager, Jessica, present him with a homemade cinnamon roll, complete with a candle!

(a different night at Lonchos)

Also took a nice bike ride through the desert...103 degrees, didn't slow Tonio down!!

He's probably been the most affected by quarantine.  Aut and I go to work, so we try to get him out for bike rides, walks with our pups, Angel and Belle and get him out for meals.  Plus frequent trips to the San Xavier Mission to light candles for his mom and all of our loved ones during these challenging times. 

Tonio takes it all in stride.  He's been doing some painting - I know Kim can look down and see, but I truly wish she was in the room to witness the phases, the sketches, the planning, the detail...He bought himself some canvasses recently and has a lot of paints received as gifts over the years and is doing some neat stuff.  He takes good care of the pups, his ghost corn snake Cruiser and bearded dragon Jake.  Helps out cleaning up the house and is just always a pleasure to be around.

Some of his ceramic work from this past year

Thankful for birthday 17!!!

Loving ink

         For our 40th birthdays, Kim and I had talked about and planned to get matching tattoos.  We wanted some symbol or writing that meant 'infinity' as a testament to our love for each other.  Although we searched for the perfect design, we never did quite come up with one that felt like us.  Also, as parents of 3, we had determined that there were better ways for us to spend those $$...

          Since Kim passed, I have added quite a few tribute tattoos to remember our times together.  Some focus on the kids and the here and now, but most represent 'us'.

          Cody and I have had a chance to get ink together, and did a bit of a matching piece.  He designed the rising sun with a white dove flying to honor and remember his mom.  I found it so touching, beautiful and perfect, that I had the same done.  It was a neat experience going to Tattoo Artistry together, to have our old friend, Dave Williams, use all of his talents to bring these designs to life.

           So when Autumn wanted one, naturally I was excited to see what she chose and to have a tattoo created with her.

         I asked what is your idea for a design?

        "Love yours"  she explained, a Kim-like sparkle in her eyes, smile spreading like a sunrise.  To those who don't know, Aut will patiently tell you "Love Yourz" is a song by J Cole - one of our favorites.  She is often met by 'Who?', yet she is undetterred in continuing - 'it's a song about how there is no life better than yours - so love yours!'.  Again, so Kim-like.  (I always tell her when people say who is J Cole, let them know he is their favorite rapper's favorite rapper). And in Kim's handwriting.  Dave replicated perfectly!

Love Yourz

J. Cole

Love yours

No such thing as a life that's better than yours
(Love yourz)
No such thing as a life that's better than yours
No such thing, no such thing

Goes for all y'all
It's beauty in the struggle 
It's beauty in the struggle , ugliness in the success
Hear my words or listen to my signal of distress
I grew up in the city and though some times we had less
Compared to some of my niggas down the block man we were blessed
And life can't be no fairytale, no once upon a time
But I be God damned if you don't be tryin'
So tell me mama please why you be drinking all the time?
Does all the pain he brought you still linger in your mind?
Cause pain still lingers on mine
On the road to riches listen this is what you'll find
The good news is  you came a long way
The bad news is  you went the wrong way

No such thing as a life that's better than yours
No such thing, no such thing

For what's money without hapiness?
Or hard times without the people you love
Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next
I asked for strength from the Lord up above
Cause I've been strong so far
But I can feel my grip loosening
Quick, do something before you lose it for good
Get it back and use it for good
And touch the people how you did like before
I'm tired of living with demons cause they always inviting more
Think being broke was better
Now I don't mean that phrase with no disrespect
To all you out there living in debt
Cashing minimal checks
Turn on the TV see a  Rolex
And fantasize about a life with no stress
I mean this shit sincerely
And that's someone who was once in your shoes                  
Living with nothin' to lose
I hope one day you hear me
Always gon' be a bigger house somewhere, but  feel me
'Long as the people in that motherfucker love you dearly
Always gon' be a whip that's better than the the one you got
Always gon' be some clothes that's fresher than the one's you rock
Always gon' be a bitch that's badder out there on the tours
But you ain't never gon' be happy till you love yours

No such thing as a life that's better than yours
(Love yourz)
No such thing as a life that's better than yours
No such thing, no such thing

            

It's a great song.  Kim would have enjoyed the Motown vibe J Cole brings.  It's all smooth.  His lyrics grab me, especially this piece of the song:

Or hard times without the people you love
Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next
I asked for strength from the Lord up above
Cause I've been strong so far
But I can feel my grip loosening

Quick, do something before you lose it for good
Get it back and use it for good
And touch the people how you did like before
I'm tired of living with demons cause they always inviting more

    I don't know how many times I've told you, these kids, I am so blessed.  I have truly enjoyed the times we have spent together.  Especially right now, with COVID - Autumn, Tonio and I have had a sit down dinner nearly every night, followed by movies, a bike ride out into the desert with the dogs. 

I've felt a little isolated, beginning with my knee surgery in March, my friends are busy taking care of families, trying to work through this and social distancing.  I sure miss the family events, birthdays, dinners, etc and pray daily for their health and safety. I get it. This is crazy.

It's the first time since I moved here in '94 that I thought maybe I should have gone back east, nearer parents and sisters...I am grateful for one friend who texts nearly daily to talk - she has been the picture of 'quarantine' only having left her house once from mid March through June.  In July,
venturing to the Desert Museum after I told her the kids I went and to one restaurant (she said even

 that was too much!).

The bartenders at Lonchos and Serial Grillers have provided much needed conversation ; )
As always, the kids are always in tune and have kept me going through all of this!!

All three kids have turned out amazing, so much like their mother.  I will update you on Cody soon!

   Next year, when Tonio turns 18, it will be our turn to go visit Dave...can't wait to see what design Tonio comes up with!!

   Until that day...Love yours