Instead of the 12 days of Christmas, the bambini and I are celebrating 7 Days of Kimmy. We started yesterday with her famous biscotti. Today, being the 6th Day of Kimmy, Antonio was a big help in the kitchen as we re-created Kim's best dinner dish - chicken piccatta. Tonio cut Italian parsley, squeezed lemons, set the table, seasoned the chicken breasts, got everyone something to drink and helped clean up! He is amazing.
It is so hard to believe that a year has gone by already...Sometimes, it seems like a blink of an eye...others, like an eternity.
I know I've told you about most of the memories...95% of them wonderful. Our travels, time together, things we shared, accomplishments...
I couldn't have been blessed with a better life...I'd literally out run my punt coverage when I hooked up with Kim...
The other 5%...I've told you a little about...mostly about the size of the hole left in my heart. What do I miss most? Her smile. Her laugh. The way she held me and the look in her eyes. Having someone, somewhere, waiting for me. The way she smelled. Her jokes. The way she accepted me exactly the way that I am...and yet, made me strive to be a better person.
The memories that I have of of later tonight, last year...I thought I'd be able to share...but I never got the chance to, and now, I don't think I can. The horror, the dark terror. Sometimes, when I'm driving down Old Spanish Trail, that fear comes back at me, tightening my windpipe - I can feel fear's hand, pulling up through my stomach, as it wraps its icy talons around my heart and squeezes...and the images all come flowing back, in slow motion...
And, as far as the person Kim worked to make me become...sometimes, that darkness beckons...sometimes, I do want to completely break down and just let go...but her memory is there...and there have been a couple of you that have also worked hard to make sure that I don't go scittering back down that icy road and hurtling over the edge into oblivion...For her and you, I've kept it together...and, of course, for the bambini, who have told me how much that they need me, love me and admire what I've done...
Last year, this day, Kim did break down. Twice. No, three times. I only shared one of the times, previously. For it was today, last year, that Kim and I were sorting through our lives in pictures to help Autumn create her 'Star Student' poster. We were laughing and remembering as we went, when, suddenly Kim dropped her stack of photos, covered her face and began sobbing...I held her and asked her what was wrong...she looked up at me, those bright blue eyes shining with tears that had spilled down over her cheeks, cascading off her beautiful face..."What a wonderful life we had." Actually, going back to look at our post from a year ago, I was mistaken, I did tell you that she cried in the morning when she discovered, despite her best efforts, that she still could not walk...
But, I can tell you, that she had a beautiful day...we got her out front, so she could sit and visit with our neighbors, Betsey, Amy, Brian and Tom. Andrea had come and taken Autumn to a party with her and Christmas shopping, while the rest of the kids played out front. It seemed, almost, normal...Betsey made Kim tortellini soup for dinner. Later, Andrea and her girls watched Elf with Kim and I and the bambini. We loved that movie.
Today, once again, it is the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe...Mother of miracles. I remember thinking, with the kind of great day that Kim had just had, that this was it! Her day for a miracle!! I prayed. We all prayed. Looking for an Advent miracle. And again, I know my prayers were answered...only, it was a 'no', this time. I know there was a good reason for that 'no'...I may never know why, but I'll always believe.
It is so hard to believe that a year has gone by already...Sometimes, it seems like a blink of an eye...others, like an eternity.
I know I've told you about most of the memories...95% of them wonderful. Our travels, time together, things we shared, accomplishments...
I couldn't have been blessed with a better life...I'd literally out run my punt coverage when I hooked up with Kim...
The other 5%...I've told you a little about...mostly about the size of the hole left in my heart. What do I miss most? Her smile. Her laugh. The way she held me and the look in her eyes. Having someone, somewhere, waiting for me. The way she smelled. Her jokes. The way she accepted me exactly the way that I am...and yet, made me strive to be a better person.
The memories that I have of of later tonight, last year...I thought I'd be able to share...but I never got the chance to, and now, I don't think I can. The horror, the dark terror. Sometimes, when I'm driving down Old Spanish Trail, that fear comes back at me, tightening my windpipe - I can feel fear's hand, pulling up through my stomach, as it wraps its icy talons around my heart and squeezes...and the images all come flowing back, in slow motion...
And, as far as the person Kim worked to make me become...sometimes, that darkness beckons...sometimes, I do want to completely break down and just let go...but her memory is there...and there have been a couple of you that have also worked hard to make sure that I don't go scittering back down that icy road and hurtling over the edge into oblivion...For her and you, I've kept it together...and, of course, for the bambini, who have told me how much that they need me, love me and admire what I've done...
Last year, this day, Kim did break down. Twice. No, three times. I only shared one of the times, previously. For it was today, last year, that Kim and I were sorting through our lives in pictures to help Autumn create her 'Star Student' poster. We were laughing and remembering as we went, when, suddenly Kim dropped her stack of photos, covered her face and began sobbing...I held her and asked her what was wrong...she looked up at me, those bright blue eyes shining with tears that had spilled down over her cheeks, cascading off her beautiful face..."What a wonderful life we had." Actually, going back to look at our post from a year ago, I was mistaken, I did tell you that she cried in the morning when she discovered, despite her best efforts, that she still could not walk...
But, I can tell you, that she had a beautiful day...we got her out front, so she could sit and visit with our neighbors, Betsey, Amy, Brian and Tom. Andrea had come and taken Autumn to a party with her and Christmas shopping, while the rest of the kids played out front. It seemed, almost, normal...Betsey made Kim tortellini soup for dinner. Later, Andrea and her girls watched Elf with Kim and I and the bambini. We loved that movie.
Today, once again, it is the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe...Mother of miracles. I remember thinking, with the kind of great day that Kim had just had, that this was it! Her day for a miracle!! I prayed. We all prayed. Looking for an Advent miracle. And again, I know my prayers were answered...only, it was a 'no', this time. I know there was a good reason for that 'no'...I may never know why, but I'll always believe.
As I was writing, tonight, I got a text; "Quick! Look outside!"...our family's angels had made a delivery...
Kim and I both loved poinsettias and I would get her one every year...I hadn't thought to by one this year. This one is incredible - the photo does not do it justice.
I had plugged the Angel night light into the outlet just outside our bedroom door, where for years Kim and I had a nightlight. Antonio saw it and gasped "how beautiful! It looks like the one we saw on the mountains today! Can we put it in the bedroom?" Tonio asked?
Well, I forgot to mention that. I was running late to get the bambini from school and ended up not making it out to Cienega to get Cody until 4:00 (he gets out at 3:20). He was waiting outside, in the drizzle and chill, with no coat. As we were driving home, I looked to him to ask if he was warming up and if he was ok and caught a glimpse of the Rincon mountains. The Rincons were blanketed in low hanging clouds, that were delivering rain and snow. The mountains were completely covered except for one spot, where the sun impossibly was shining through...and it looked like an angel. "I'm going to crash the car trying to look at this." I told the awed bambini.
Now, it's in our bedroom, lighting our path...
I loved Kim's Chicken Piccatta! I was so blessed to enjoy it during my visit along with the lemon spaghetti. Delicious!! I mostly enjoyed our Chai Tea and long talks in the mornings. Miss you so much BFF. You know I definitely want a copy of that cook book!!!
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