I have something to tell you...

             ....but I can't.  Not yet....

                Here's something else.  This Sunday, last year, Kim was getting ready to leave to go to Pier 1 Imports for her second overnight, helping to set the store for their seasonal items.

               She didn't want to go.

               Not because she did not like the work.  As I've said before, she really enjoyed it.  Even though it was hard work and she did not get much sleep before going to work in the morning.  She didn't feel good.  Her lower rib cage was hurting.  Her head hurt.  I thought she had some sort of bug.  But, we had gone to church that morning and over to Viro's for breakfast, as we always do.  Followed by errands, etc.  So, I thought, in Kim fashion, she'd be all right.

              I didn't really try to talk her out of going.  I was so thankful and proud of her for taking this opportunity to make Christmas gift money, money I wasn't sure where it would come from otherwise.  I told her to stay home if she wanted and she could work the next shift or wait until Carmella needed her on day shifts to help with the Christmas rush.  I feel badly about not forcing her to stay home  But, it seems that is what Christmas has done to us, making us feel pressure to be consumers and buy, buy, buy.  I didn't know than, that we had so few precious moments together in our home...

              Of course, Kimmy went.  It was her way.  I like to tell myself that she would have gone no matter what I said or did...but I know that's just to make myself feel better.

               She came home around 2:30.  I was dozing, but waiting to hear how she felt and how it went.  She looked pained.  "We had Mama's pizza."  She told me by way of explanation.  Now, Mama's has always been one of Kimmy's favorite pies here in Tucson.  We started going 18 years ago to their location on 22 and Kolb, a dark, quite little restaurant with great food.  And, again, as I've told you, we would go to the newer one on Broadway and Houghton.  The pizza is truly phenomenal.  We took Cody and his buddies there after their 8th grade graduation - they make a huge pie that filled up a lot of hungry 8th graders!!
              Kim thought she had a bug too.  And, she believed eating pizza at 1 in the morning had not been a fabulous idea, but she could not resist Mama's pizza!! 
             I helped her get ready for bed and begged her to let me call her out for work at Rincon Vista in the morning (obviously feeling guilty for letting her go to Pier 1 in the first place, I was going to make amends dammit!).  She ignored me and began to tell me about her night, the nice people she was meeting and working with, the product (spending her paycheck before she even go it, but with the idea of making our home even more beautiful, if that was possible - Kim could do it!).  Once again, she told me what a hard worker Carmella was and great leader.  She drifted off into an uneasy sleep telling me stories...I watched her angelic face, looking peaceful in sleep, for awhile and then fell asleep myself.

                The next morning, as I readied for work, Kim was not doing too much better.  She hurt.  She looked pained.  "Kimmy, please."  "No, I'll be all right.  Chai tea."  I made her a chai tea and she sipped it, smiling, eyes twinkling "You make the best Chai tea David"...I was not convinced.  "Kimmy, how about at least going in late and working a later shift?".  "I'll be ok."  End of conversation.      

               She made it through her day, prepping for a Vail District Meeting the next afternoon to plan for Vail Pride Day...came home, called me to tell me about her day, as she always did and took a nap before going to round up the bambini at school.
               When I came home, she still was not feeling too good.  I made dinner and then we laid down together to watch Inglorious Basterds starring Brad Pitt.  Kim and I enjoyed it and I still thought she'd be feeling just fine the next day...she talked again about hoping to work 15-20 hours a week at Pier 1 and we discussed logistics about how we'd work that out with the kids. 

                I did not know how fragile the wonderful life that she had carefully (and with a lot of hard work) built for us had become...

                                                                          October 2010

                                                           Damn.  I miss that smile...!