"Now I ain't too proud to tell you that I cry sometimes, cry sometimes about it..." J. Cole
A friend once told me, that the pain we feel over loss, separation, tragedy, life events gone wrong - lasts 12 minutes. After that, she said, it is self pity. I believed that, to an extent. But as time passes, and it surely does - like a whisper - something barely heard and rarely seen, I understand that in this case, she was mistaken.
I am truly blessed. I know that the relationship that I experienced with Kim was so unique - and as rare as the perfect sunrise (how often do you see the sunrise, let alone one that captures you in such a way that you find your breath has stopped as you try to soak it all in?). I am grateful and have fond memories. There is no self pity in missing Kim - I know that every moment we shared was special and I never took it for granted. I often find myself feeling bad for the friend who is going through a divorce, or in a seemingly meaningless relationship. The spouse who finds that extra errand or excuse for another moment away from home. The significant other who uses social media to vent or chronical a one sided situation. I am so thankful for the years of the love we shared.
We surely had our growing pains - imagine a young Kim, putting all of her energy, into not only keeping me out of harm's way, but at the same time, trying to teach me, to show me the right way. I remember watching the Mexican with Kim. Julia Roberts,exasperated with keeping Brad Pitt out of trouble...James Gandolfini taking her aside, when all seemed lost, and asking, if you are in love, 'when is enough, enough?'...the dawning realization in her eyes as she answered 'Never.'....
She cleaned me up...scooped me out of the gutter...gave me a chance at something better...
In the end, there was so much blood...I couldn't wrap my mind around it...how could there be so much blood...???
I've always been very in tune with music - when a song comes on, I tell the kids 'Oh, I remember this one - 1982, I was bagging groceries at Weis Supermarket in Allentown.' It's always been that way for me, as long as I can remember. For Kim and I, the music started in 7th grade - the '70's. She was that one girl who did not care for pop stars - she liked Motown and rock. We saw a great many concerts together, I know that I detailed them somewhere in the depths of these writings. I've turned mainly to hip hop, as 'our' songs were so many. Our memories so deep, and when I am caught unawares, it is as if a tidal wave sweeps me quickly and violently into our past and into a memory with such clarity, when it passes, I am unsure of where exactly I am, what I was doing or what day/time it is. I try to stay woke.
Pandora has a 'funny' sense of humor sometimes. Randomly, something outside of your preferences will pop up. I tend towards J. Cole - he has a Motown feel to a lot of his songs and I like to think he would be Kim's favorite rapper. I also love T.I. and Joyner Lucas, so I have the three set as my favorites. Pandora will mix in 'like' artists such as Young Jeezy, Dr. Dre, The Game, etc. The other day, unbidden, Guns 'N Roses' November Rain came on as I was driving 75 on I-10. It felt as if I was sliding on black ice in the 100 degree heat, the landscape blurring, slowing and suddenly reversing direction, all as a flood of memories hit me of Kim and I seeing GNR at Phoenix International Raceway summer of '90 and again at the Spectrum in Philly Dec '91...holding her tight as Axl screeched:
When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
I also remember watching the video together - take a short trip to You Tube if you have a moment - the happy wedding...and the video ending with her funeral...Axl haunted by dreams, waking up in the middle of the night bathed in sweat, screaming...
Nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can changeAnd it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Our hearts didn't change...His plan simply did...When I reemerged from the memories this song whisked me to, I could see the miles I had gone behind me in the rearview, through tear stained eyes...no, not self pity - just thankful for the wonderful memories and time shared - Nothing lasts forever...
PS Did I think I was the best future for my children?
Something I've thought about for a long time.
This is what I decided.
No one in this world is perfect.
Heaven knows I'm not.
But I love them more than anyone else possibly could.
In the end, that's all that matters.
My children are now my chance at something else.
Something better.
And there's no way I'm letting go of that...
PS Did I think I was the best future for my children?
Something I've thought about for a long time.
This is what I decided.
No one in this world is perfect.
Heaven knows I'm not.
But I love them more than anyone else possibly could.
In the end, that's all that matters.
My children are now my chance at something else.
Something better.
And there's no way I'm letting go of that...
