2020

 

                 What can we say about 2020?  It just keeps giving.  I know so many people affected by challenging events, coupled with COVID, that I just have to keep counting my blessings...

                 This last month has been the most trying, testing faith and I leave it to Meek Mill who tells me to remember, that even on my worst day, I live like somebody on their greatest.  And so do you.

                Let's start by catching up with Cody.  He and Jessica have grown such a beautiful little family.  Little Vincenzo is a year and a half and is such a joy.  He has a fantastic character, fun loving, adventurous and great energy.  Love him so much. And Angelo is now 5 months old and has been through so much.  Yet, he smiles all the time and has a special light in his eyes.  This boy, at a week old, needed to have three stents placed in his heart to correct a defect that was not allowing him to get enough oxygen.  God bless that surgeon, I cannot imagine operating on a baby, so small.  He bounced back nicely, but Jess and Cody were advised that he would need open heart surgery around three months.

                               

                                     Marveling over the turtles at Agua Caliente Park

                                       Aut and Tonio spend some time with Cody and Enzo

Angelo, post open heart surgery

              I have been so blessed with three healthy children, who never had surgery or any serious illness.  Cody broke a collar bone playing football in 8th grade, which was traumatic, but it barely slowed him down.  I cannot imagine getting the news that at a week old, one of my babies needed open heart surgery...I would be out of my mind.  The grace with which Jess and Cody handled this situation was amazing.  The surgeon had the hands of God.  Our family made more treks out to San Xavier on candle lighting missions and prayed the rosary more than any time since Kim fell ill.  Once again, I know she had Cody and his family wrapped in her arms...

            The surgeon made a 3-D sculpture of Angelo's heart and showed Jess and Cody exactly what his plan was and how it would work.  But before the intended date of the surgery could arise, Angelo began to struggle for air and for his life.  These guys ended up back and forth between the hospital and then stayed 2 and a half weeks by their baby boy's side.  Angelo had outgrown one of the stents and could not get the oxygen he needed.  Again, the horror Jess, Cody and Vincenzo faced - I cannot imagine.  I felt helpless, as with COVID, we were unable to visit the hospital.  They rotate shifts and little 'Enzo was left to wonder what had become of his baby brother and missed his mom when she was with Angelo, and then his dad when he took a turn.  He was so happy when Angelo successfully had surgery and was allowed to go home - he smiled and laughed the whole ride home.

Angelo's recovery has been miraculous.  He has improved each week.  His parents are nothing less than amazing, taking turns nursing this little guy back to health, so loving, so caring.  And Enzo provides love and support as well, sharing his toys and making his little brother smile...

So proud of this family!  They are strong and close - two hard working parents and two sweet kids.  

The doctors have told them, that Angelo will need another surgery between 5 and 10 years old.  They have already faced so much, but, like with everything, they approach it with a great attitude.  Instead of being down and depressed, they embrace and enjoy every moment with their family.

Blessed.

Time stopped

"Hello, hello, hello...
And I thought about you today
And I thought about the things you used to say
And I thought about the things we did
And I thought about the games we used to play...
I always thought we'd be together
I always knew we'd be together
Oh what do I do now?
I don't want to wait forever"
-J Cole

  Being with Kim, time had a habit of getting stopped.  That moment, another time we got stuck.  That moment forever and always doomed to keep happening in my head.  I try to capture those moments in my tattoos, forever inked - better than a photograph, which fade with time, bend or tear.  But there are so many...

  While Autumn captured a Kimmy sentiment, literally using Kim's hand writing to do it...Love yours...I tried to sum up all of those moments where time really did stop.  For us.  On the beach, it was as if we were on our own island.  No worries, hand in hand.











   I still love the beach, it's where the memories are strongest.  And comforting.  Over the years, my favorite beach has been in Mexico.  About 20 miles south of Puerto Penasco - Playa Encanto.  It is absolutely soothing to sit on the beach there, warm sand beneath my feet, and look out to the Sea of Cortez.  I've totally lost track of time doing it, ending up pretty toasty from the sun.  Well, to tell the truth, it happens every time...the sound of the waves so hypnotizing, cool breeze, pelicans in lazy flight searching for fish and an occasional dolphin that I imagine is Kim dropping by to say hello.

   Long walks on that beach, along the waters edge - and any problem that's been keeping you awake at night is washed away in the surf.  Diving in the warm waters is like being renewed, a baptism in the sea.  I've witnessed many sunrises and sunsets there - they are each uniquely miraculous.  The colors intertwining together and the flash as the sun dips below the horizon into the water is revitalizing.

   The little town of Puerto Penasco is equally cathartic.  The energy there, the bustle of the local shops, sea food merchants and restaurants is a place I can get lost, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells.  Sitting on the balcony of a seafood restaurant, overlooking the harbor, watching the fishing boats return from a days work while sipping a cold cerveza - still feeling the heat of the sun emanating from my overcooked skin - is so relaxing.  The merchants sell some fantastic fruit, mangoes my favorite with tajin and chamoy, artistically transforming them into a flower before handing them to you on a stick.  Even the haggling in the shops for trinkets or clothing is an experience I enjoy.


























      The statues throughout the town represent the local culture and their lively hood - the Sea of Cortez.  My favorite is the El Camaronero - The Shrimp Fisherman, located in the Plaza de Malecon.  It's a great plaza, with local fruit stands and merchants throughout.  And El Camaronero oversees the the whole scene, looking wistfully out at the sea.

All of the memories here, the peace this beach has brought to me...

are now a part of me.

A friend sent this 'Kim Conca Sunset' from the other day...

She's always there

17

            Ahhhhhh birthdays....Kim would make you feel so special on what she loved to call 'your special day'!!  We had a running joke between us, that started on each other's birthday, but somehow spread to when ever one of us would ask the other 'what would you like to do today?'...the other would answer 'I don't know, it's YOUR special day!!'.  Always cracked us up.

             I do really try to make each kid's birthday something for them to remember.  I always will ask if there is anything they have been wanting or needing.  Tonio, having that big heart from his mom, always has some incredible answers.  One time, he told me that he would really like the sandwich he ordered to be served looking, or even close to looking, as good it does on the menu, or the posters they have around the menu board on the wall!!!  That's a tough one - the burgers always look thicker and juicer in the photos they use to advertise them!  Needless to say, I couldn't deliver on that.
           I have to say, I am fortunate that my kids never got hung up on name brands or high end items.  Their requests have always been practical, idealistic and they seem to keep in mind my budgetary constraints.

            This year, when I asked Tonio what he really wanted for his birthday, once again, his answer was selfless and deep.  He paused a moment, holding his pose, eyes looking up and away...

            "Really dad, all I want is to go out to dinner with the people that I care about"

           Typically has never been a problem...COVID rears its ugly head once again.

            We have long had the tradition of allowing the birthday child to choose where they would like everyone to meet to celebrate.  Again, Tonio always thinking of others - first, Autumn.  He reasoned it would be easiest on her if he chose a place near our home, as he knew Aut would be working until 6:30, 7ish on his bday (she can rarely get off early).  He also mentioned that the people he would like to come all live in our area, so it would be easiest for them to make it...THEN, being Tonio, he says;

           "but dad, it's cool if nobody can make it this year, it really is."

            As parents, we just want the best for our children.  As parents, we sometimes feel their pain more than they do.  Even when they are this logical and are thinking of others, we just want more for them.  I guess it's a part of the process.

           He chose Lonchos.  Almost walking distance.  A great new Mexican place that opened recently, despite COVID and has amazing food.  Best part, we know the family that works there from one of our favorite after church (before church was canceled) breakfast spots, the Breakfast Stop.  The mom, Ana, cooks from scratch - best birria and corn tortillas I've ever had.  Autumn swears by Ana's pozole.  Her daughters, Kim and Amy wait tables and tend bar.  They take such good care of us.  When we arrived on Tonio's birthday, Ana told Aut she had made her ceviche, even though it is not on the menu, as she knows it's Aut's favorite.  She made Tonio a special plate of nachos while he waited for his birria tacos to arrive.  Kim decorated a table with balloons, etc and they had a gift for Tonio.  It was Kim's birthday too, so she joined us for a time.  They kept us entertained and before we knew it, it was 12:30 a.m.  Tonio had a big smile and a full belly.

Autumn's newest creation...the chocolate gelato cake!!  New favorite!!

That morning, Tonio wanted to go to breakfast to our favorite diner, Bread & Butter.  They have the most amazing chile cheese omelets and hash browns!!  Of course, everyone there knows Tonio and the manager, Jessica, present him with a homemade cinnamon roll, complete with a candle!

(a different night at Lonchos)

Also took a nice bike ride through the desert...103 degrees, didn't slow Tonio down!!

He's probably been the most affected by quarantine.  Aut and I go to work, so we try to get him out for bike rides, walks with our pups, Angel and Belle and get him out for meals.  Plus frequent trips to the San Xavier Mission to light candles for his mom and all of our loved ones during these challenging times. 

Tonio takes it all in stride.  He's been doing some painting - I know Kim can look down and see, but I truly wish she was in the room to witness the phases, the sketches, the planning, the detail...He bought himself some canvasses recently and has a lot of paints received as gifts over the years and is doing some neat stuff.  He takes good care of the pups, his ghost corn snake Cruiser and bearded dragon Jake.  Helps out cleaning up the house and is just always a pleasure to be around.

Some of his ceramic work from this past year

Thankful for birthday 17!!!

Loving ink

         For our 40th birthdays, Kim and I had talked about and planned to get matching tattoos.  We wanted some symbol or writing that meant 'infinity' as a testament to our love for each other.  Although we searched for the perfect design, we never did quite come up with one that felt like us.  Also, as parents of 3, we had determined that there were better ways for us to spend those $$...

          Since Kim passed, I have added quite a few tribute tattoos to remember our times together.  Some focus on the kids and the here and now, but most represent 'us'.

          Cody and I have had a chance to get ink together, and did a bit of a matching piece.  He designed the rising sun with a white dove flying to honor and remember his mom.  I found it so touching, beautiful and perfect, that I had the same done.  It was a neat experience going to Tattoo Artistry together, to have our old friend, Dave Williams, use all of his talents to bring these designs to life.

           So when Autumn wanted one, naturally I was excited to see what she chose and to have a tattoo created with her.

         I asked what is your idea for a design?

        "Love yours"  she explained, a Kim-like sparkle in her eyes, smile spreading like a sunrise.  To those who don't know, Aut will patiently tell you "Love Yourz" is a song by J Cole - one of our favorites.  She is often met by 'Who?', yet she is undetterred in continuing - 'it's a song about how there is no life better than yours - so love yours!'.  Again, so Kim-like.  (I always tell her when people say who is J Cole, let them know he is their favorite rapper's favorite rapper). And in Kim's handwriting.  Dave replicated perfectly!

Love Yourz

J. Cole

Love yours

No such thing as a life that's better than yours
(Love yourz)
No such thing as a life that's better than yours
No such thing, no such thing

Goes for all y'all
It's beauty in the struggle 
It's beauty in the struggle , ugliness in the success
Hear my words or listen to my signal of distress
I grew up in the city and though some times we had less
Compared to some of my niggas down the block man we were blessed
And life can't be no fairytale, no once upon a time
But I be God damned if you don't be tryin'
So tell me mama please why you be drinking all the time?
Does all the pain he brought you still linger in your mind?
Cause pain still lingers on mine
On the road to riches listen this is what you'll find
The good news is  you came a long way
The bad news is  you went the wrong way

No such thing as a life that's better than yours
No such thing, no such thing

For what's money without hapiness?
Or hard times without the people you love
Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next
I asked for strength from the Lord up above
Cause I've been strong so far
But I can feel my grip loosening
Quick, do something before you lose it for good
Get it back and use it for good
And touch the people how you did like before
I'm tired of living with demons cause they always inviting more
Think being broke was better
Now I don't mean that phrase with no disrespect
To all you out there living in debt
Cashing minimal checks
Turn on the TV see a  Rolex
And fantasize about a life with no stress
I mean this shit sincerely
And that's someone who was once in your shoes                  
Living with nothin' to lose
I hope one day you hear me
Always gon' be a bigger house somewhere, but  feel me
'Long as the people in that motherfucker love you dearly
Always gon' be a whip that's better than the the one you got
Always gon' be some clothes that's fresher than the one's you rock
Always gon' be a bitch that's badder out there on the tours
But you ain't never gon' be happy till you love yours

No such thing as a life that's better than yours
(Love yourz)
No such thing as a life that's better than yours
No such thing, no such thing

            

It's a great song.  Kim would have enjoyed the Motown vibe J Cole brings.  It's all smooth.  His lyrics grab me, especially this piece of the song:

Or hard times without the people you love
Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next
I asked for strength from the Lord up above
Cause I've been strong so far
But I can feel my grip loosening

Quick, do something before you lose it for good
Get it back and use it for good
And touch the people how you did like before
I'm tired of living with demons cause they always inviting more

    I don't know how many times I've told you, these kids, I am so blessed.  I have truly enjoyed the times we have spent together.  Especially right now, with COVID - Autumn, Tonio and I have had a sit down dinner nearly every night, followed by movies, a bike ride out into the desert with the dogs. 

I've felt a little isolated, beginning with my knee surgery in March, my friends are busy taking care of families, trying to work through this and social distancing.  I sure miss the family events, birthdays, dinners, etc and pray daily for their health and safety. I get it. This is crazy.

It's the first time since I moved here in '94 that I thought maybe I should have gone back east, nearer parents and sisters...I am grateful for one friend who texts nearly daily to talk - she has been the picture of 'quarantine' only having left her house once from mid March through June.  In July,
venturing to the Desert Museum after I told her the kids I went and to one restaurant (she said even

 that was too much!).

The bartenders at Lonchos and Serial Grillers have provided much needed conversation ; )
As always, the kids are always in tune and have kept me going through all of this!!

All three kids have turned out amazing, so much like their mother.  I will update you on Cody soon!

   Next year, when Tonio turns 18, it will be our turn to go visit Dave...can't wait to see what design Tonio comes up with!!

   Until that day...Love yours

   

     

Music from yesterdays

   "Now I ain't too proud to tell you that I cry sometimes, cry sometimes about it..." J. Cole

         A friend once told me, that the pain we feel over loss, separation, tragedy, life events gone wrong  - lasts 12 minutes.   After that, she said, it is self pity.  I believed that, to an extent.  But as time passes, and it surely does - like a whisper - something barely heard and rarely seen, I understand that in this case, she was mistaken.

        I am truly blessed.  I know that the relationship that I experienced with Kim was so unique - and as rare as the perfect sunrise (how often do you see the sunrise, let alone one that captures you in such a way that you find your breath has stopped as you try to soak it all in?).  I am grateful and have fond memories.  There is no self pity in missing Kim - I know that every moment we shared was special and I never took it for granted.  I often find myself feeling bad for the friend who is going through a divorce, or in a seemingly meaningless relationship.  The spouse who finds that extra errand or excuse for another moment away from home.  The significant other who uses social media to vent or chronical a one sided situation.  I am so thankful for the years of the love we shared.

         We surely had our growing pains - imagine a young Kim, putting all of her  energy, into not only keeping me out of harm's way, but at the same time, trying to teach me, to show me the right way.  I remember watching the Mexican with Kim.  Julia Roberts,exasperated with keeping Brad Pitt out of trouble...James Gandolfini taking her aside, when all seemed lost, and asking, if you are in love, 'when is enough, enough?'...the dawning realization in her eyes as she answered 'Never.'....

         She cleaned me up...scooped me out of the gutter...gave me a chance at something better...

         In the end, there was so much blood...I couldn't wrap my mind around it...how could there be so much blood...???

        I've always been very in tune with music - when a song comes on, I tell the kids 'Oh, I remember this one - 1982, I was bagging groceries at Weis Supermarket in Allentown.'   It's always been that way for me, as long as I can remember.  For Kim and I, the music started in 7th grade - the '70's.  She was that one girl who did not care for pop stars - she liked Motown and rock.  We saw a great many concerts together, I know that I detailed them somewhere in the depths of these writings.  I've turned mainly to hip hop, as 'our' songs were so many.  Our memories so deep, and when I am caught unawares, it is as if a tidal wave sweeps me quickly and violently into our past and into a memory with such clarity, when it passes, I am unsure of where exactly I am, what I was doing or what day/time it is.  I try to stay woke.

       Pandora has a 'funny' sense of humor sometimes.  Randomly, something outside of your preferences will pop up.  I tend towards J. Cole -  he has a Motown feel to a lot of his songs and I like to think he would be Kim's favorite rapper.  I also love T.I. and Joyner Lucas, so I have the three set as my favorites.  Pandora will mix in 'like' artists such as Young Jeezy, Dr. Dre, The Game, etc.  The other day, unbidden, Guns 'N Roses' November Rain came on as I was driving 75 on I-10.  It felt as if I was sliding on black ice in the 100 degree heat, the landscape blurring, slowing and suddenly reversing direction, all as a flood of memories hit me of Kim and I seeing GNR at Phoenix International Raceway summer of '90 and again at the Spectrum in Philly Dec '91...holding her  tight as Axl screeched:
                                                         When I look into your eyes
                                                           I can see a love restrained
                                                          But darlin' when I hold you
                                                          Don't you know I feel the same

       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbUC-UaAxE

        I also remember watching the video together - take a short trip to You Tube if you have a moment - the happy wedding...and the video ending with her funeral...Axl haunted by dreams, waking up in the middle of the night bathed in sweat, screaming...

                                                            Nothin' lasts forever

                                                            And we both know hearts can change
                                                            And it's hard to hold a candle
                                                            In the cold November rain

       Our hearts didn't change...His plan simply did...When I reemerged from the memories this song whisked me to, I could see the miles I had gone behind me in the rearview, through tear stained eyes...no, not self pity - just thankful for the wonderful memories and time shared - Nothing lasts forever...

PS  Did I think I was the best future for my children?  
       Something I've thought about for a long time.

       This is what I decided.

       No one in this world is perfect.  
       Heaven knows I'm not.

       But I love them more than anyone else possibly could.

       In the end, that's all that matters.

       My children are now my chance at something else.
       Something better.

       And there's no way I'm letting go of that...