Cancer

Cancer

Turn away
If you could get me a drink
Of water cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my Aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me
In all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you.
Now turn away,
Cause I'm awful just to see
Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body,
All my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
But counting down the days to go.
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know,

That if you say, (If you say)
Good-bye today, (Good-bye today)
I'd ask you to be true (I'd ask you to be true)
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you...

Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you...

          I don't know how Cody finds the tunes that he finds...I truly believe that they find him.  Seek him out.  I added this song, by My Chemical Romance, to the playlist a couple of weeks ago.  I've said that I can tell when Cody is feeling blue, thinking of his Mama, by the songs he chooses to play when we are driving (which is most of the time)...When he played this, with its sad and soulful sound, I knew it was one of those moments.  Then, I caught some of the lyrics...He's ever stoic, though, keeping the grades up and finding time for friends.

          As for the other two...I just forced them to bed, after another meltdown (Ami, you have no idea!), my head spinning around, words just spewing out, with no rational thought behind them...just needing a moment to decompress - but not able to find that sliver of time....and having 'lost' my ability to pour it out daily on the blog, as some feel that not enough 'acknowledgement'? was included? 
         ...and each night, as Autumn progresses (digresses?) through her little OCD routines (bed readied, pillows fluffed, shower started, ice water by bed, stuffed animals arranged, re-arranged and arranged yet again, door/window locks checked, everyone said goodnight to more than an old episode of the Waltons, etc, etc), and Antonio needs 'just one more thing' which ends up being one more game on the NOOK or playing with Legos...and they fall into the late night Heckle and Jeckle routine, which usually ends badly for one of them - Antonio, more often than not...I start calmly herding them to bed "Big day tomorrow, please get in bed by 9:30", "OK, 10 more minutes, almost time!" "Now it's 10:00, what help do you need?"...then, a little more sternly "OK, no movie tonight, unless you make it into bed in 10 minutes"...then, telling them the consequences "We don't have to go anywhere tomorrow, we can just stay home and clean!"....finally - erupting...no more Kimmy to keep me balanced...
               ...leaving me to feel low...knowing I will apologize in the morning...
              Tonight, Bella piled on, throwing up bile at 10:30, moments after there was quite from the little ones...we'd forgotten to feed her dinner and she has a pretty sensitive tummy...Cody came quickly "Sorry Dad, I'll get it."  "No worries Cod, thanks.  I got this." "At least she got sick on the tile." He offered.  True that.

          
          
              Untethered is how I feel right now.

          As Kim would tell me "Tomorrow's another day".

6th Grade Graduation

              Autumn graduated from the 6th grade on Friday.  6th grade.  I can't get my arms around that.  6th grade.  No matter how often I say it, it just does not make any kind of rational sense.  And yet, it happened.
             Do you remember your 6th grade graduation?  No?  Either do I.  Not just from the standpoint that it was eons ago, but just because it never happened.  There was no Kindergarten graduation.  Or 8th grade graduation.  Just 12th grade graduation, which, I believe I wrote about the wonderful time Kim and I had at ours way back in 1983. 
            Autumn's graduation was so special, thought, because she had been chosen to be class speaker.  Now, Autumn certainly has inherited Kimmy's beauty, and she has Kim's shyness.  When she was chosen, she politely declined.  Her teacher, Casey Rudzena, ever her biggest supporter and best mentor we could wish for, discussed this opportunity with her and was successful in having Autumn see the value in accepting this honor.

A rose for the graduate, which, her brother, Antonio, lovingly walked up onto stage to hand to his sister...

Ready to graduate!  Autumn carefully selected her outfit.  She already knew she was wearing this shirt, given to her by her southwest Aunt Kim and Uncle Roshan for her birthday, black slacks that Kimmy had gotten for her and some new shoes that I chose for her (my photography skills, or lack of, showing here)...

Antonio, in front of a crowd of about 300, shows his love for his sister, delivering her a beautiful rose!  He was so proud of Autumn!!  Even Cody got himself out of bed for the ceremony...and we huddled as one.

Casey Rudzena, Autumn's 5th and 6th grade teacher, friend, and mentor, keeps Autumn calm and focused as she waits to speak.

She had taken time over the course of the previous weekend to write her speech.  Taking two days to edit it, massage it and to shape it.  Caringly, just as her Mama would have.  Then, she worked on her delivery.  Her first run, was barely audible and took all of 10 seconds to blurt out.  By the end of the week, she had it down, complete with eye contact, smiles and hand gestures (what do you get when you take away an Italian's hands?   A mute!).

"Will you cry Daddy?"  she asked on the final day, her eyes, so Kim-like, blazing blue and so locked on mine..."Yes."

A technical glitch in my media program has prevented me from posting the video of Aut's speech, but I will work on recovering it and posting it later.  She spoke confidently and clearly - and yet, nerves got the best of her as she forgot to blow kisses to Kimmy at the end of her speech.  I told her that her Mama knew her intentions and not to let it take away from her moment.

So for now, here is the text:

            Hello, my name is Autumn Conca. I am in Mrs. Rudzena’s sixth grade class. I have gone to Cottonwood since Kindergarten. I will definitely miss Cottonwood and so will a lot of kids who have gone to Cottonwood since preschool, kindergarten, or those who even came just this year.

          Cottonwood is a great school and has many friendly teachers and staff members. The teachers are amazing. Thank you to all of my teachers that I have had while I was here. The teachers are friendly, caring, patient, and many more things, especially our teachers for sixth grade. Mrs. Rudzena has been awesome. She arranged an engineer day for us, had celebrations for us, allowed us to have buddies and do fun activities with them, got IPods for us, gave us fun projects to do like making our own bakery business, making our own books, performing plays, and many more things.  You have to agree, she really cared about all of us and has made a difference in our lives!

            I would also like to thank all of the amazing volunteers. They have been really great and helpful. Like my dad. He has helped me through so many challenges while I was at Cottonwood.

            Once you are a coyote you are always a coyote. Although we will be sad to move on and leave Cottonwood, we will be very excited to go to middle school. We have all worked so hard to graduate and worked through so many challenges. Moving onto middle school will be a new adventure with new people to meet, new challenges, and new opportunities. Everyone will have a fun, memorable time figuring out middle school. Thank you for listening and for all the help you have given us.

            I’d now like to introduce Mrs. Shivanonda.

I am so proud of Autumn, how she has grown.  How she takes responsibility for her brothers and for helping me around the house.  She is tireless and upbeat.  Even as Antonio is broken anew, she is there.

Here she is with her 6th grade class, ready to move on to 7th grade with enthusiasm, not trepidation.

Her class performed several cute songs, of which none I remember, as I was completely overwhelmed by her speech...

                                           Then, she made her way up to receive her diploma, beaming.  Principal Mayeux greeted her and Casey made the presentation...

Her class gathered outside of the MPR room for photos, bagels, muffins, fruit, cake, etc...

And, with Casey....the bench they are sitting on is just outside the MPR room and is dedicated to our neighbor, Seth Hopkins, who passed away shortly after Kimmy.  He was 10 years old.  We are not the only family who knows loss....

My mom ordered Autumn a red velvet cake for her graduation, her favorite!

I was working an overnight at Barnes & Noble, so we took the celebration there!

The kids fell asleep around 1:30 in some 'comfy chairs' we have in our breakroom.  Autumn was so excited to share her cake with Jaimelyn, one of the assistant managers there!

We went to see Men in Black 3 as a treat...Tonio makes the cutest penguin...

Thank you for the well wishes and prayers as we continue to work things out!!!

May 21st, 1994

           18 years ago.  A lifetime ago.  A blink of an eye, really.  I am thankful for the nearly 17 years of marriage that Kim and I shared.  Today, we will celebrate that.  Autumn has decided. "Can we go to Zona 78?", she asked.  She enjoyed going through these photos of our wedding day, peppering me with question after question...

           "What was your favorite part of your wedding day?"...

             ..."Kissing your Mama."...
                                   ..."Hee, hee, I figured!" She giggled.

           "Wait.  Is that Uncle Spike?"...

                      ..."Yep."

            "Beer cans tied to your truck Dad?  Really?"...

                     ..."Yes Aut, that's what people used to do."....

                                   ..."Hmmmm.  I see...note to self."  She's so funny.

 What a beautiful day it was that Saturday morning back in '94.  It was already 90 degrees at 9 a.m. when our ceremony started.  Here is Spike (my college roomie who showed up for Klimb 4 Kimmy 2 along with the Duff man, another roomie, back in Feb.), my Dad, Kim's sister Terri and her best friend, Tracy.

We loved the little courtyard that bordered the south side of the church.  The fountain was so relaxing, with humming birds darting back and forth vying for a drink of its cool waters.

This shot (above) of Kim just blows me away...Aut gently dabbed my tears away when I got to this one.

When I approach the church, to pass through these doors, the main entrance, I always see Kimmy standing there that day...

You can see her giggling here...Happiest moment of my life...

With my Best Man...my Dad - the greatest man who ever lived (after Jesus, of course).

Our hand shook as we lit the candles, joining us as one...

Again, the kiss...my favorite part of the day!

Marriage may be the best sacrament one can enjoy.  Here we are, joined - 'for better (which was most often the case!)...for worse (she still had some work to do on me!)...til death do we part - only, I thought we'd be old, gray and Kim nursing me...

Again, the most beautiful bride in the world...and me, with perhaps the cheesiest sunglasses in the world.  Well, it was the '90s!

The Toy sporting the Tecate beer cans and a 'KILO' 94.9 FM bumper sticker from our Colorado days.

At the reception, a cowboy cookout that Kim designed, with my sister, Lauren.

The last cake I've ever cut (thanks Janene, for your continued support in this area!).

This was a fun moment.  Kim got me pretty good.

Second thoughts Kimmy?  I'm trying to convince her getting married was a good idea.  "Seriously Kimmy, it's not that bad!"

The day was perfect.  Kim had spent months planning and orchestrating...from contacting Father Michael Dulmeyer to perform the ceremony, to having Baggins deliver their incredible sandwiches to us at the Mission, the "Unforgettable" and their egg salad, which has real bacon crumpled up in it!  Then, a stop at Gates Pass, with it's breathtaking views, to eat lunch and on to Old Tucson Movie Studios for the afternoon.

She had found the Reddington Pass Cattle Ranch somehow.  We went to visit it and she knew..."This is the place." she told me.  I could feel it.  Again, somehow she found the perfect cowboy guitarist to hire and serenade our modest group.  A huge bonfire.  Singing.  Dancing.  A night to remember.

Sometimes, I can't believe I ever held her in my arms. Or kissed her. Sometimes, I can't believe that she'd light up the room, just for me, when she saw me enter the room.  Sometimes, it's hard to believe that we shared so much...and how fast it really went.

I'm looking forward to visiting the Mission this morning for Mass.

On the home front, the bambini are uneasy.  The school year is wrapping up, should be cause for rejoicing.  Autumn has been selected to be the speaker at her 6th grade graduation.  We worked on her speech this weekend and it is so heartfelt and thoughtful - I can only believe it came directly from Kimmy.  Her delivery is wonderful.

But, lingering is a dark cloud - we have several storm fronts that we (or maybe it's me) are facing...and the little ones have been edgy. Four, to be exact.  It was Pete Townsend who said 'It's just another tricky day".  Kim and I used that one a little too often during her 55 day fight, but, it fits.

  We are going to need some prayers to get through and maybe a few small miracles.

You know, I am counting on my Angel to guide us.

Mother in Retrospective

                Happy Mother's Day!!

                We received so many phone calls, texts, FB messages, etc today - heartfelt sentiments, reminders of Kimmy.  Thank you all so much!!

                 What is the most important thing to you?  What brings you the most happiness?  Best friend?  Spouse?  Mother/Father of your children? 

                 Since I was 12, Kimmy was all of those and more...

Little Kim

A girl and her dog - Cajun

At Udall Park in Tucson - we used to frequently walk there (and kick a soccer ball together)

Enjoying a Corona

Celebrating each other

Disneyland river boat

Apple Annie's with Courtney and Hope Hoffman

San Diego Zoo

A birthday with Andrea and Lexy Castillo

First day of school!

Sea World

More celebrating with Andrea and Lexy!

"A" Mountain walk for cancer...In memory of her Dad

 

Sea World - my favorite shot...Kim so beautiful...

Where ever you may be, enjoy your day.  Enjoy your family!  Celebrate the blessings you have!

Happy Mother's Day

Turning 12

                Today, May 10th, Mother's Day in Mexico (something that Autumn is proud of, especially because of where we live - she always asks 'Why is the US Mother's Day on the same date each year?') Autumn took one step closer to her teen years...That sound you just heard?  One of my few remaining black hairs turning gray!

                As the bambini get older, each birthday becomes more precious.  I fully recognize that there will only be so many and that each one is different.  Fleeting.  I have one shot to make them memorable and to make each child feel special.  I know what to do, having learned from the best on how to make these kids feel special, but it is still a lot of weight!

               Tonio helped me to drag out all of the decorations that Kim had lovingly hung each year - banners, streamers, balloons - and the ones that Angie and her girls hung for me last year - and we turned the house into a celebration!

                Autumn was impressed this morning, when she woke up - a good start! 

                    Aut asked that I bring Italian ice in to her classroom to share her birthday with her classmates.  "Italian ice?" one young lady asked.  "What?  Are you giving us an ice cube from Italy?".  I felt bad for this deprived youngster, who was instantly redeemed after her first taste of Italian ice!
                   The kids had a substitute today, Mr. Jefferies, in for Mrs. Rudzena who was in San Diego on a class fieldtrip at Catalina Island.  He had a unique way of celebrating birthdays...He asked Autumn to stand on a chair and instructed the class to sing Happy Birthday, but instead of saying "Autumn", Autumn would sing out solo "me!"...She was embarrassed, but it was cute.  Some strange malfunction of my 'smart phone' caused me to film it in black, so I am unable to share it with you, sadly. 

                                                         
          When the singing and Italian ice eating subsided, I pulled Autumn out of school!  "What would you like to do Aut?"  "SHOP!"  she shouted!

           Pier One was our first stop.  Store Manager, Carmella and her assistant, Jackie, who both opened that store eight years ago, were there to make Autumn feel like a queen!  They walked her around that store showing her all of the new arrivals, asking her what she liked and taking her to see owl, bird and butterfly merchandise.  She chose a beautifully colored glass pelican, a pack of butterfly note cards, some lotion in an owl shaped dispenser and a brightly colored sunflower bird house made of metal for our backyard.
           Next stop - Target!  She walked the aisles, thoughtfully and carefully choosing a small, stone owl to place in one of her potted plants out back in our (Kim's) garden, some stickers to use in her journal and a little tote bag to use for swim lessons.
           It was near lunch..."Where would you like to eat honey?"  I asked her, telling her she could choose anywhere.  "Could you take me to a place that you and Mama used to like to go to, but I've never been?".  Dammit.  Some days, I cannot get over how deep she runs...
          Peking Palace, over on 22nd and Kolb.  Kim and I enjoyed many lunches, dinners, anniversary celebrations there.  Great food and just a comfortable place.  Autumn was delighted and asked me to tell her all of the stories I could remember about the times we ate there, why, what did we have, and what went on.  She chose sesame chicken, rice and an egg roll.  It was special for me, because, Autumn didn't just love the food, but was engrossed in the stories and the place - the whole experience!  She said it was the best!

We finished and went next store to the dollar store so she could choose some party favors for her little 'southwest cousins' who were going to dinner with her tonight.  Again, such a thoughtful shopper...she started by choosing cups for everyone (she got this idea from Angie's daughter Kim) to use as the loot bag.  Tweety bird for the girls, Scooby Doo for the boys.  Then, she looked at all of the 'loot' in the toy and party aisles, rejecting items "no, that would just break", "no, not everyone would use that"...trying to pick items that weren't just going to be around for a week and then tossed out.  She finally found washcloths, that had been shrunk down into little 2"x2" squares and expand when you add water.  There were all sorts of Disney, Marvel and Scooby ones to choose from.  She thought long and hard to choose the right washcloth for the right child!  Next, she picked out some small candies to fill in the rest of the cup.  Oh, and she bought the older boys bags of water balloons, instead of cups and washcloths.

On the way home, we stopped by the Civano nursery.  Time to plant some portulacas in the St. Francis birdbath on our front porch.  Autumn wanted to buy some cilantro to add to our garden and we chose an ice plant to replace the flowers under the olive tree in the front yard.  The portulacas and ice plants do well in the summer heat..which we know is approaching!  It is a beautiful nursery, and Autumn likes to wander deep into it while I looked for the portulacas.  She likes to visit the goats that they have towards the back. 

By now, we had spent about five hours hanging out together...It was so fun and I was constantly reminded of Kim in her words and actions.  When we got home, I gave her a birthday gift.  From Kim.

The other night, after I was done wrapping Autumn's gifts near midnight, I carefully and quietly hid them in my closet.  I bumped something rolled up like a scroll and it fell to the floor.  I unfurled it and found a beautiful butterfly print by Arizona artist Ettore "Ted" DeGrazia.  DeGrazia was born in Morenci, Az shortly after his parents immigrated from Italy.  He was one of Kim's favorite artist and she, over the years, had collected many of his prints, framed them and there's one in each room of our house. 

I remember the day, a couple of years ago, that Kim found the butterfly print at DeGrazia's Gallery in the Sun, which we liked to frequent (and there is a photo of her on the altar in the small chapel he built on the grounds).  She was so excited to buy it for Autumn, have it framed and give it to her for birthday.  I guess that I didn't know where she hid the print, while she saved money to have it framed....and we both forgot about it.

It gave me goosebumps when I found it - Kim definitely wanting me to have it framed and to give it to Autumn for her 12th birthday!! 

             
                  When I handed the gift bag to Autumn, she excitedly asked 'What is it? What is it?'.  "It's from your Mama, Autumn.  Open it and see."  She stopped - one moment bouncing, smiling, excited - and in an instant, quiet, perfectly still - big, blue eyes locking on to mine - smile fading as my words sunk in..."really?"  she whispered...desparately searching my eyes for the truth - wanting to believe, but looking for some hint of a jest, but not finding any, she reanimated and tore into the package!
                Autumn was fascinated and delighted with the print.  "DeGrazia!" she squealed.  "How!?!  What?!?!"  perplexed.  I told her my story and with each word, I could see that this print had found its way into her heart.  "We must find the perfect place to hang it."  She told me solemnly - again, those big, beautiful blue eyes scorching into my very soul. Now it is my quest, my responsibility to do that for her.

                 Another reason Autumn was so very excited about her birthday this year, is, that it fell on a Thursday...Viro's Italian Wedding Soup night!  She could not get over that happy coincidence, bringing it up several times over the last couple of weeks.  "I can't believe it!" she exclaim.  "We have to go to Viro's for wedding soup on my birthday!  I am sooooo lucky!!"
                Rose and Vito have been so good for the bambini (and me!).  They treat these little ones like they are family.  They made sure to reserve the 'big table' (could be a Seinfeld episode!) for us, as we were bring 19 of us - they actually had to add a small table to the end of the big table to have us all fit!!
            

Mariah, Roshan, Micah, Kim and Maleah beat us all to Viro's!  Autumn thought it was special that Kim made it to have dinner with her, as she had to go work overnight at St Joseph's, right from Viro's (she works as an RN on the 5th floor where Kimmy spent so much time, giving her much comfort.).

Angie and Mark came next - Autumn proudly calls them her 'Southwest Grandparents'! 

Manny, Lupe and Monsi brought Tonio with them.  They picked Tonio up at school, saving me a trip back - and Tonio was thrilled to spend more time with Monsi.

Lexy, Andrea and Breanna - with Janene trying to throw up the obligatory 'rabbit ears'!

And Janene and Autumn, to complete her crew.

I lost count of the number of bowls of wedding soup consumed by this hungry mob at ten.  But, can tell you, that 5 people had the chicken Alfredo, making it the most popular choice.

All day, Autumn lamented that I had not baked her a cake.  Specifically, I had not baked her a red velvet cake, which was Kim's favorite.  It was killing me.  Finally, I told her that I had not baked a cake for her, because Rose and Vito had a surprise for her...

Rose brought out a beautifully decorated cake for Autumn, who's eyes lit up!  It was a white cake, with real strawberry filling and a whipped cream frosting.  Rose even did the honor of cutting the cake - usually Janene handles this for us, as I am not allowed to cut cakes.

                                    Most of the bambini got gelato to go along with their cake...Breanna usually gets the stracitella.

Micah sure enjoyed hanging out with the ladies tonight!

Autumn proudly displays a beautiful metal owl that Andrea and the girls gave her - she can't wait to hang it!  And for you readers for the east coast, notice the Wise potato chips, from Berwick, PA,  on the shelf above Aut's head - a rare sight out here (and they have an owl as a mascot!).

We literally closed Viro's after about 4 hours of feasting and celebrating Autumn!!

Autumn had a great birthday, and, once again, told me it was the best ever.  I can always feel Kim's presence, guiding me, helping me, and this year, even delivering a special gift for the birthday girl!!

One of the things Autumn had wanted to do on her birthday, was, go see a movie.  She has been looking forward to Dark Shadows, by Tim Burton and starring Johnny Depp.  She is a huge fan of films that Burton and Depp do together!  She has seen Edward Scissorhands, The Corpse' Bride, Alice in Wonderland (I love when she quotes this move 'What is the difference between a raven and a writing desk?'), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Sleepy Hollow (she has not seen Sweeney Todd or Ed Wood...yet.), and has loved them all.  So, she was a little bummed that this movie came out 5/11...and could not be seen on her actual birthday...but, we made it up to her!!

We started out in the food court at Park Place.  No one ever wants to eat at the same place and usually I run all of the kids to each place they want to order from and an hour or so later, we sit down to eat.  Tonight, it was nice having Jesus and Cody with me - they are big enough and mature enough that we could split the group to wait in lines at Sarku, Subway, Panda Express and Rubio's.  Ok, so I was the only one who wanted Rubio's - have you tried their new gourmet taco entrees?  They are excellent!!  I had the grilled garlic herb shrimp taco.

The kids were enamored with the Avengers standees, choosing to be photographed in front of Iron Man and Captain America's posters.  Tonio, Lexy, Breanna, Autumn and Allanah.  Jesus and Cody were along, filling the 'white whale' Expedition, to max capacity, but too cool for a photo opp.

Dark Shadows did not disappoint Autumn, who asked if we could buy it when it came out on DVD!  I sort of remember the old t.v. series, and although the movie was a dark comedy, they did a good job of capturing the feel of the old series.  Depp was awesome!

Oh man, Kim would have loved this movie!!

With the movie over, it was time to shop.  The girls wasted no time getting to their favorites, Claire's and Justice, while Jesus and Cody split off and went to the Van's store and others.  I got no argument when I told them we were going to Tutti Frutti's for ice cream.  Or yogurt.  Or whatever it is. 

They carefully selected their flavor of yogurt.

And dug into the condiment bar from hell.

Satisfaction!