Giving Thanks

            The bambini had a four day weekend...the majority of our support would be out of town visiting friends and family for Thanksgiving, scattered across three different states.  Now, I have to tell you, I'm no longer a big fan of holidays, but, I resolved to battle through the memories, long work days and even longer nights and make it memorable for them. 
            Leading up to this weekend, I gently began to whisper to them, that I would not be making a turkey and all of the trimmings.  I did not let them know that I did not have the strength, but explained the time that went into cooking such a meal, followed by an almost equal amount of time spent cleaning, which would not leave us any time to do anything fun.  I told them about the time Kim and I had decided to go to see a movie and to a diner for our Thanksgiving, and what a nice memory that I had of that year.  My Dad followed up on that theme, speaking to them and reinforcing the idea...
           And, thankfully (being Thanksgiving season), the bambini's kindergarten teachers, Mary and Ami, invited us to join them for a pre-Thanksgiving feast at their mom, Debi's home.  This helped them get their fill of turkey, mashed potatoes (one batch with green chili's in them that was fantastic!), sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole (made with fresh green beans = not mushy!), pumpkin pie, etc, etc, etc...!

              
            Ami had made the table decorations, complete with individualized name tags!

               
                                  We've been blessed to know Debi for a long time, she has such a big heart, inviting us into her home for the Russo Thanksgiving!

 

Chow line!  Ami and Emilio get ready to dig in.

 

Brian, Ami, Joni, Tonio, me, Cody and Emilio on one side

 

Rosie (The Russo's family friend, who's son, Dave, worked with me at Toys R Us for many years - small world - and did all of my ink work)., Autumn and Mary on the other.

 

Mary's daughter, Brinley enjoying a little bit of everything!

 

After dinner, there was pumpkin pie, cheesecake, chocolate pie and wine!

 

Ami, Autumn, Mary and Brinley have fun 'warming up' the camera...

 

As we slowly, in a food coma, made our way into the living room for a group photo.  Brinley was so cute, climbing up on the table, back off and letting me help her.

                    
                                                                     Almost all in!

 

 

Ami's triplets...yes, triplets!...are in the front - Colton, Hunter and Ethan.  Debi, Joni, Brinley, Mary, Tonio, Autumn and Ami in row two.  And Al, Emilio, me, Cody and Brian in the back.  And the pup, a beautiful Ridgeback, was a hit with the kids.  We are blessed to have them in our lives!

                       Our day, Thanksgiving, saw us up early to make our way to the San Xavier Mission for Mass...

 

They've begun to decorate the Mission for the holidays.

 

The students at San Xavier school made the cans/vases, which are placed throughout the church.

 

San Xavier was brought down from his spot on the altar to the front of the church.

 

After Mass, we lit our candles and Tonio and Autumn sat high up on this wall.

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                   In the afternoon, we went to see the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, starring Daniel Craig as James Bond.  The bambini loved it - their first Bond movie!  They've made me download the theme song (link to video above) - Tonio knows most of the words already and likes to sing along - he's got a nice voice.  And all three keep asking me if we can buy it on DVD when it comes out!  That evening, I made shrimp scampi for them - and they all had seconds.

                  They really are very sweet, but, it was a fragile day - with each of them having a moment at some point.  It took all of my energy to anticipate and bring them back around.  Of course, Autumn, at the end of the day, told me 'Dad?  I think that this was the best Thanksgiving yet!'.  She had gotten each of us a Thanksgiving day card, too!

                  Friday and Saturday, the Americans great need to be consumers swept over me like a wave and I was tied to the bookstore. 
                  Tyler Durden: " We’re consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don’t concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy’s name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra. " From the movie Fight Club.
                  Jeffery Goines: "There’s the television. It’s all right there. All right there. Look, listen, kneel, pray. Commercials. We’re not productive anymore. We don’t make things anymore. It’s all automated. What are we for then? We’re consumers. Yeah. Okay, okay, buy a lot of stuff, you’re a good citizen. But if you don’t buy a lot of stuff, if you don’t, what are you then I ask you? What? Mentally ill!" From the movie "12 Monkeys" - coincidentally, both characters are played by Brad Pitt!  Try this - search 'Brad Pitt on consumers' on Youtube.  Some genius has brilliantly spliced both film segments together!
                 Brad Pitt neatly describes our obsession with being consumers!

                  On Friday, I noticed one of the posters in our front window was falling.  There is a 5' wall that separates the cash register area from the windows.  It is a slatted wall, so we can peg merchandise from it.  When I walked being to rehang the poster, a memory came crashing in on me...
                 ...on busy days, I like to stay near the front of the store, directing traffic, so to speak.  Jumping on register when needed.  Working the crowd.  Sometimes, Kim would call me while I was working up front.  Not wanting to miss her call, I'd quickly duck behind the wall between the registers and windows, so I could talk to her - it would always re-energize me to got back out and dive into those customers!

                  I was blessed to have Tonio's teacher, Leesa Irwin, and her daughter, Emily, tag team to help me keep the bambini happy on Black Friday.  They played games, went to Subway and had a blast!  Leesa really relates well to the kids and they appreciate her.
                  ***I apologize for the glaring lack of pictures following the Russo Family Feast, but, I didn't manage to take any!!  In fact, Ami took all of the photos posted above - she has a natural talent for capturing the moment***
                Saturday, Angie was back in town and picked the bambini up in the morning for me.  They enjoyed a big breakfast at Jerry Bob's - I love their motto 'Let's Eat!' - the kids love that place!  Then, they went to Angie's for video games and to play with Kim and Roshan's little ones, Marian, Micah and Maleah. 
                When I arrived, I got to plant myself in front of their new 60" t.v. and catch up on some college football with Mark and Roshan.  And decompress.  Oh, wait - I did manage a photo!

 

Maleah pins a hysterical Tonio to the carpet!

 

She enjoyed sitting with Tonio!  The little ones love him.  Mary's daughter, Brinley, likes to climb up on Tonio's lap, too.

 

Saturday night, we stuck with the Daniel Craig as Bond theme and watched Casino Royale.  After the little ones went to bed, I popped in Layer Cake - starring, you guessed it, Daniel Craig.

 

And today, a nice breakfast at Viro's, hanging out with Rosa and Vito in the morning...

My Sunday afternoons are typically consumed by cleaning, getting stuff ready for kid's school week and sending out approximately 782 texts to all of the great friends who take care of the kids rides and after school care for me for the week!

....followed by dinner to celebrate Mark's birthday at Casa Del Rio, as Andrea, Janene and their kids joined us having just rolled back into town.  Literally.  Janene hadn't even been home yet, she drove right to the restaurant!  Angie and I enjoyed the margaritas!!  Again, blessed.

 

A great way to end the Thanksgiving weekend. 

 

And I do have a lot to be thankful for.  I am blessed. 

 

Back to the memories...I also pulled down the Christmas stuff yesterday (we need a new tree)...and came across yet another massive box of photos...

 

This was my life:

 

 

Did Kim ever mention she loved the beach?  This pic was taken on the balcony of a place we stayed on 5th street in Beach Haven on Long Beach Island, NJ.  Kim loved photography, and had a great talent for it, too.  She had a really nice Pentax camera that she used on a timer to take this photo.

 

A windy day on the beach - but it didnt' keep us from enjoying the day!

 

Kim demolishes some crabs that we caught in the bay and cooked in beer!

 

 

These are from a time we took Cody to Beach Haven with my Dad "Pop" and Vi "Nana".

 

Cody enjoyed playing in the sand.  Pop even made his signature skeeball game, where he makes a hill of sand that leads down to an area that he flattened out and made several, tennis ball sized, holes.  He and Cody rolled the tennis ball down the hill and tried to get the ball into a hole for points. 

 

 

Pregnant with Autumn, we visited the San Diego beaches with Cajun.  Seeing these pictures brings me back to those beaches...remembering the walks we took, how the ocean smelled, where we ate, where we stayed.

 

 

 

 

As I was putting the little ones to bed tonight, Autumn blurts out "One more thing Dad!  I love that beginning in Skyfall - with the song playing...and he's lost in a house of mirrors..."  Yeh, that whole scene/song was what threatened to unravel me - I won't spoil the beginning for you.  I've mentioned how hearing certain songs have the effect of freezing time for me and bringing me back to memories of Kim.  I mostly know which songs do that.  So, when a song that I've never heard before is able to do that, it is even more of surprise - and I found time stopped, hanging on every word and blending perfectly with the opening scene...

 

Anyway, I think I was able to keep the bamini's lows minimized and, with some help, make it a good Thanksgiving weekend for them...and for me.

 

Skyfall
by Adele

---

This is the end
Hold your breath
And count to ten
Feel the earth move
And then
Hear my heart burst again

For this is the end
I’ve drowned and dreamt
This moment
So overdue I owe them
Swept away
I’m stolen

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall
At skyfall

Skyfall
Is where we start
A thousand miles
And poles apart
Where worlds collide
And days are dark
You may have my number
You can take my name
But you’ll never have my heart

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall

Where you go I go
What you see I see
I know I’d never be me
Without the security
Of your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we’ll stand

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall

Let the skyfall
We will stand tall
At skyfall

 

 

 “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

                                                           -Tyler Durden, Fight Club

 

Comfortably Numb

                          We sat there in stunned silence...having just attended a midnight showing of Pink Floyd's The Wall (back in '83 or so). Powerful movie.

                          I was a huge Pink Floyd fan, from 1976 (yes, I am that old), when The Dark Side of the Moon came out.  I heard 'Time' on my way home from work today - and I rarely listen to the oldies station, as they seem to play the same, tired songs from yesterday's stars.  I just happened to tune in, just as the hypnotising entrance to this song erupts in drums.  I used to be able to play a mean air drum solo to match these beats!  It turned out to be one of those songs that threatens to stall time - but today, I just rode it and enjoyed the memories...

                       Kim had her favorite Floyd tunes, Comfortably Numb and Time were among them.  Ironic that Wish You Were Here was our favorite album (way pre-CD days!)....

                        We saw them first in '88 on the Momentary Lapse of Reason tour - which featured a guy riding a cot from the heights of Vet Stadium in Philly (long torn down, but, thanks to Kimmy, I have seats 19 & 20 in our TV room 'the sports room' Kim used to call it) down to the stage.  We last saw them in 1994 on the Division Bell tour at Sun Devil Stadium in Phoenix...They always put on a fantastic show.

                      Over the years, Kim had gotten me some awesome Pink Floyd gifts - a rare concert poster from Italy!

                      T-shirts - one with the inner cover from Wish You Were Here. It was a complex design, emanating from a circle that was broken into four quadrants, picturing a stormy sea in one quarter, a barren desert in the next - and robotic hands shaking across the circle - she had it sent from Cali - and remember, this is the late '80's, there is NO internet!!  This took time, caring, passion to hunt this down for me.
                                           

 

She also found me bootleg recordings, import albums and a Dark Side of the Moon tapestry for my college bedroom.

 

 

After she passed, I found this t-shirt online...we had the poster of this above the couch in our living room back in Pa...it's the rear cover art from Wish You Were Here.

 

 

I don't so much listen to Pink Floyd these days, having moved past the '60's, '70's '80's and mostly '90's tunes.  Too tired, dusty and, in some cases, over played.  But, when I hear them, it takes me back to those days...

 

...and I am thankful for the music, the madness, and the memories...

 

 

 

 

On the Road

               I love that story by Jack Kerouac - "On the Road".  Have you read it?  It is a classic.  My sister, Sherri, gifted me a copy many, many lifetimes ago.  I read it three times.  It was written in 1951, but holds its relevancy so well. 
On the Road portrays the story of a fierce personal quest for meaning and belonging.  It is an epic journey across America...

 

I love the part where he is cruising through Tucson, down Ft. Lowell...

 

If you haven't read this one, do.  Anyways, I gave the copy to a friend, the Duff Man, who did his own epic journey from the shores of Beach Haven, L.B.I., where Kim and I loved to lay on the dunes, out to Denver, CO, where he once visited us and he got lost in the Rockies...or something like that.

 

Sorry, got a little off the track there...The point being, that, whatever Kim and I did, we made fun.  When we would drive across the country, we'd always come up with a few things that we wanted to do as we hurtled across the US freeways.  Once, it was simply to hit as many McD's as we could, to try to win a grand prize in their Monopoly game.  We ate more McDonald's in those couple days than we probably had up to that point in our lives!!  And, we managed to win a few Big Macs and some fries for our efforts. 

We weren't complaining.  We had made it fun!

 

Each journey would start with making a tape...Later a CD...of tunes we both loved.  As I wrote last night, the Wallflowers "One Headlight' was one of them. (remember, I added it to the playlist, feel free to queue it up!).

We actually tried to go see the 'largest ball of twine' while trying to survive the miles spanning MO to CO...a relative barrenness called 'Kansas', in which at the very first 'rest stop', we were quizzed by the local antiquestrians about our religion.  I think they were trying to convert us..."To what Dave?  Children of the corn?"  Kim quipped.  I loved her selfless giggle!

Once, while taking the northerly route, we enjoyed St. Louis.  While not by any means  our favorite city on our journeys, we explored the 'Gateway to the West', rode a riverboat on the mighty Mississippi, toured the Bud brewery and saw the Mets v. the Cards, back in the Darryl Stawberry, Ron Darling of the Mets and Jack Clark of the Cards. 

And we got Strawberry's autograph!

 

We hiked Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs...and watched the sunset there....

Watched eagles soar at Tallequah, OK.

Drove beneath to golden arches of the country's largest McDonald's in Tulsa, OK.  The arches span Rt 40!

I remember traveling across with our first pup, Cajun.  When we did stop at a motel, we'd always ask for ground floor so it would be easier to sneak Cajun in and to walk her when she needed to go out.  Once, in Amarillo, TX, we successfully snuck her in, but the noise level of the motel was too much for Cajun and she barked and barked until we were busted.  Hard time in Texas for dog fraud.

We fell in love with Cracker Barrel on the open road.  Stopping at many. One time, in Tennessee, while driving in the wee hours of the morning, we saw a Cracker Barrel and decided to stop for breakfast...they weren't even open yet.  There was a blinding rainstorm, so, instead of continuing our drive, we stayed in the parking lot, huddled together to stay warm and ended up falling asleep!

     We always wanted one of those large, double rockers that they sell there and have on their front porch.  Over the years, scheming on how we could roadtrip to the closest one in Texas and strap it to the top of our car to get it back to Tucson so we could rock on it and share it.  Eventually they opened here in Tucson and we did invest in a chair...for the bambini!

 

                     They still cherish it to this day, taking turns getting comfortable in it when we watch movies together.

                     Columbus, Ohio was a fun city to visit.  We walked the downtown area and ate a sidewalk cafe.  And once we saw a beautiful stone bridge, naturally formed over a canyon, somewhere in Virginia.
                    I remember visiting Sherri, when she lived in Muskogee, OK - the halfway point- for a meal, a nap, a shower and on the road!  Having played with our nieces and nephews at the elementary school, a block down from her house.  And her little pup, Nittany, tirelessly leading the way.  And, when we moved out to Tucson over 18 years ago, we stopped at Sher's and I whacked the big tree in front of her house with our moving truck, which I thought would clear the lower branches of the tree...but did not.  Incidentally, I did get our security deposit back when I convinced the attendant here in Tucson that the dent had already been on the truck when we picked it up in PA.!
                   Albuquerque was always one of our favorites.  My younger sister, Lauren, lived there while her husband, Jason attended New Mexico U for grad work.  The Sandia mountains being so pretty.  Jason introduced me to the beer, Fat Tire while they lived there!

                   We used the road to entertain us.  I'd often try to convince Kim how much safer it is to fly and how much time we would save..but, I always enjoyed our roadtrips together.  Kim made them fun and memorable....

 

 

Nothing is Forever

              1 year.  11 months.  I talked to several people who know loss today...one, lost their significant other 6 years ago and they are still swept under, missing them, by the high tide of grief.

              "So long ago, I don't remember when, That's when they say I lost my only friend."

               I sent this link to another;
 
                http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-hansen/grieving_b_2116801.html

                They responded "Thanks for the link Dave. I am always surprised to read the words of others and think, "Yes, it's just like that!" thinking that only I have felt and experienced what I have been going through. Although we all grieve differently, there are so many similarities, which serves to reassure me that, if nothing else, I am not alone in my grief. Sad that we, and so many others, are all members of this desolate club, but again, it helps to know that, yes, there ARE people out there who get it."  There are some who expect you will be the same, do the same things, act the same way - despite being completely out of your mind!
              
"I seen the sun coming up at the funeral at dawn"

                Incidentally, the link was sent to me from another who lost a spouse.
       
                I checked in with a Bookseller at work today, who had lost their mom in a horrific knife fight, similar to the one I lost Kim in.  I told him that grief would find him like waves.  Some bigger than the others, most a surprise.  He told me that one got him tonight, while straightening in our children's section, he picked up a copy of a book his mom always read to him as a little one 'Guess How Much I Love You'.  Didn't see that coming.  You can try to watch for the waves, and sometimes, you'll be able to get ahead of them and ride them out.  But, other times, they just envelop you, crashing down, as you tumble towards the beach.

"She ran until there was nothing left. She hit the end, it's just her window ledge."


               I didn't set out today to talk to these people about our shared commonality - loss, it just happened that way...

               ...in fact, my day began at San Xavier, watching the most wonderful wedding ever, playing out in my mind - 5/21/1994...While lighting candles for Kim and a friend...

 

"Nothing is forever..."

                   
                   Praying for patience.  It's always so peaceful there.  Today, the 8th grade class of San Xavier school attended Mass.
                   From there, over to Carondelet, to put in a little work for Kim's Foundation...Then to St. Jospeph's to check out the progress on the new chapel...

 

Long ways view from the east side of the chapel

 

This will be the entrance.  Kim's Foundation is helping with this construction!

 

When I was done, of course I ran the steps, but was disappointed that I did not recognize anyone at work today on the 5th floor...

 

Going backward, took the bambini (including Breanna) to see Kevin James' newest movie 'Here Comes the Boom'...I always seem to find some message in movies these days (mostly that whole the hero defies incredible odds to save the day and ride off into the sunset with the girl).  It seems there is always something to remind me of Kim.  And there was.  In one scene, Salma Hayek, the girl of Kevin James dreams, shows up to see one of his fights and she is dressed up for the occasion.  It made me think of how Kim used to like to pick out outfits especially for me. 

So, if your loved one has not died in a knife fight, next special occasion, cherish that they tried to pick out some shirt. Or pair of pants.  Or skirt.  Or boots.  Or did their hair differently.  For you.  And make sure that you enjoy the moment!

 

The movie was funny, the kids all loved it (we even got Cody to attend!) and we met up with Andrea and David at Chuy's...yes, we are thankful that they reopened!!  Watched a little Monday night football, ate some good food and re-energized.

"But somewhere here,
 in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death, it must be killin' me"

 

Step back into today...on the way home from work, around 11PM, and channel surfing, I came across the Wallflowers "One Headlight".  This was one of Kim and I's summer theme songs.  I remember preparing to drive across country, the 2500 miles, to Philadelphia and thinking this was a great driving song.  Kim agreed and we played it over and over...

  And, interspersed throughout this post, are some lyrics from this tune.  I added it to Kim's 'playlist' - click on it and sing along, if you wish.  It is a catchy tune.  We had so. Much. Fun.  Making our way across this country of ours.  This was my wave for the day...Mostly, I can now see them coming now and ride them.

 

'Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome"  It's come up.  It's why the people I spoke to today relive their loss over and over.  It's why time moves strangely.  It's different for everyone, there can be no time table or deadline for it to pass.  I never thought of it that way.  I think I've always associated this syndrome with combat.  A battle.  But, that's what it was, only I couldn't shoot at the enemy.  It makes sense.  And, I told another friend today, who's been there through the thickest of it all, ("Got to keep the loonies on the path" ok, that's Pink Floyd, not from the Wallflowers). I do feel stronger each day.  Focusing on the bambini, who continue to ask questions...everything from wanting to hear about our first 'dates' when we were 12, to what Mama knew....

 

Thank you, as always, for listening...

 

                  
 

Odd Life

          Took up a complete row at the theaters yesterday...to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green.  Tonio and I were skeptical, but, it was more about the experience and the company...Angie, her friend, Darlene, Andrea and Breanna, Janene, Bryson and Kason, Micah and Mariah (Kim and Roshan's kids), Autumn and Tonio.  Full row. 

          ...Kim would have loved this movie.  "It's a good story."  she'd have told me.  Kim would indulge me, watching any action movie that I wanted to see - especially with Jason Statham - like the Transporter series, Snatch - and Brad Pitt, also in Snatch and Inglorious Basterds.  But, from time to time, Kim would say 'Let's watch one tonight that is a story.'  She had to explain it to me more than once over the years....you see, she liked to watch movies, but only some of them were a good story.  'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' starring Johnny Depp and Leondardo Decaprio...good story.  "City of Angels' with Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage...good story.
          The Odd Life of Timothy Green would have fallen into her 'good story' category.
          It made me think of her right from the start.  From the way the main couple in the movie just wanted to be great parents and have the best for their child, to when the leaves began to change to full autumn foliage.  It reminded me of the walks we took on autumn days to enjoy the colors of the leaves, jumping in piles and loving the time of year so much that we vowed to name our daughter Autumn one day.
          But,the movie had some sad twists, too.  The couple's little boy comes to them in an odd way (thus the title) and leaves quickly and suddenly ( I can relate to that).  He tells them "We only have so much time..."

                                                               That is so true.

            And, no matter how you measure it, you always wish for more.
      
          When his parents realized that Timothy knew he'd have to go from their lives for some time, they asked him why he never told them...
         "I never told you because I knew that there was nothing you could do, no matter how hard you tried."
         Although the whole movie reminded me of Kim, this was the one line that brought me sudden clarity - I understood.  Kim knew,too.  She knew her time here was short, but she spared me.  She saw the horror I was fighting, how out of my mind I was trying to save her...and she knew that no matter how many injections I gave her, or knife wounds I cleaned and dressed, or medication that I timed, logged and gave her, or meals that I made, clothes changed, the times I washed her hair or gave her a bath...not even how much I cared or loved her...could save her.

        She knew this, understood it and excepted it stoically, without question and...
                       
                                                      ...with a smile.

         Afterwards, speaking of smiles, pizza at Mama's!  Kim, Roshan and Andrea's son, David, joined us all there.  Their 'Family' pie is ginormous!

         Shortly after we moved here, searching for a good slice and living in the Tanque Verde Apartments at the corner of Tanque Verde and Dos Hombres, one of our neighbors insisted that we love Mama's, cuz, the "owners are from New York.".  Solid credentials. 
        Sure enough, we found ourselves at the Mama's at 22nd and Kolb, pre-kids, enjoying their large slices, instantly making Mama's one of our favorites.  We frequented Mama's for special occasions - anniversaries, birthdays, Cody's 8th grade graduation, our first lunch together, with no kids, once Tonio hit kindergarten...Great memories.
         We put away a family pie, salads - Autumn had a huge plate of pasta, too!

           "We only have so much time..." 
                                                            Today, we enjoyed the time we did have...!

   
                 
 

"You don't know me, but..."

                Have you ever experienced one of those days where you are anticipating the phone to ring?  Someone at home calling, or from work.  Just to see how your day is going?  Today's been one of those, where my hand is actually reaching for the phone that is not ringing.  And did not, no matter what my subconcious was willing.

                The other day, though, my phone did ring.  And I rarely answer my phone these days, unless I recognize the number.  Especially if I am at work.  But, I had just completed all of the opening responibilities at the bookstore (including firing up the espresso machine so I could obliberate the rust that had accumulated, encasing my body, overnight, while I "slept").  I glanced at the clock - 8:05, I was about half hour ahead of schedule.  Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the mosiac I've carefully constructed on the side of my filing cabinet.  A potpourri of my life.  Photos of Kim, bambini and family, brighten m office.
                 "What if this call is about one of them?"  my interior, often nefarious, voice whispered.

               I picked it up.

                 "Hello this is Dave."  I said, half convincing myself.

                "You don't know me, but..."

                  Ok, now there is a dubious opening line.  Where was this going?  I ask you - has this ever happened to you?  A million things were going through my head, but, resoundingly, they all pointed to Kim.

                  Sure enough.

                   "I read your blog.  It has really helped me."

                   I sat down.  Hard.  In my swively chair (that the bambini like to spin each other in when I have to drag them to work on 'bad coverage' days).  Staring at the mound of holiday Godiva chocolate stored in my office (talk about temptation!), I mumbled "Really?  Thank you."  Except "Thank You" really does not convey anything about how I felt.  And once again, the words escape me.  But, let me tell you, I felt gratified, that good things continue to emerge from Kim's passing.  It made me feel as if there was something somehow worth while to come out of this, and that I might be contributing to some larger good, somehow.  To 'help' someone?  Made me feel relevant again.
                 Relevant.  Worthwhile.  Needed?  All feelings that fade quickly in the aftermath of losing your best friend, wife, mother of the amazing bambini.  Special, being another.
                 My caller went on to explain that she was Jill McClain.  Mother of Amy, who worked with me several lifetimes ago at Toys R Us (We Be Toys 'N Sh*t in Philly).  Amy was a young, recently married, toy stocker, who worked her way up rapidly into management, through amazing work ethic and wonderful interpersonal skills. 
                And Jill was a huge part of the Vail School District, who holds a great deal of my heart and has been such an incredible part of the bambini's life, continuing to lend love and support.  Small world?  Infinitely.  Jill was on the governing board for 12 years.  Contributing her time and ideas, making our district what it is today.
               Jill and Amy suffered a horrific loss.  Much as we did.  But - their husband/father, was ripped from their lives in an instant.  My heart went out to them when I had heard the news.  And Amy has been in touch following Kimmy's passing.
                I told Jill, that when I start going down, tangled up in darkness, I remember, that there are people, families, worse off than me.  I told her that I felt blessed to at least have had the golden opportunity to say goodbye to Kim, and beg her to 'visit' (I asked her to haunt me).  Jill's husband was killed, murdered and she didn't have that time.
               Graciously and emphatically, Jill chose to say that the horrors that I faced in those lightning, blurry, 55 days was just as bad...my mind, involuntarily flashing to some of the low lights that still come to me in the wee hours of the night (it is always darkest before the dawn).
               It was a motivating conversation, as Jill's story inspired me and was therapeutic talking to her.  I also got to speak with Amy, later.  I've been looking for an assistant manager, as one of mine retired, and I told Jill "this is too much of a coincidence, where is Amy working?"  Fry's.  So, I did my damndest to convince Amy that taking a 50% pay cut to work at the bookstore would be the right thing to do.  She'd have to be insane not to agree.  By the end our our conversation, I realized that Amy was insane.  And staying at Fry's. 
               That morning, while overdosing on caffeine, I was thankful that I had answered my phone...

              The past two nights, I've closed the bookstore.  And while hurtling down I-10 (which, thankfully, has not digressed into slow-mo in some time), I saw a shooting star, at nearly the same exit - Prince Rd.  I always remember the night that so many saw a shooting star, leaving its home, just as our shooting star did back on 12/13/10.  Both those shooting stars brought a smile to my face...

 

My shooting star - another photo from our stay in downtown L.A. pre-Antonio...

 

Family portrait taken by St Frances church for their parish year book.

 

And I'm still waiting for the phone to ring....

               
               

Dia de los Muertos

                Day of the Dead.  We've heard a lot about it, of course - but have never been close to it.  Over the years, we talked about going to an event or two during the three day celebration - but we never made it.  Last year, I was very close to taking the bambini to see what it was all about, and, celebrate Kim - but, without me knowing it, I was still too broken and the days came and went - like they tend to do.

                 But this year...

                Coming off Mass and a great breakfast at Viro's, in which we filled the 'big table' - Andrea, Lexy, Breanna, Micah (Lexy and Autumn's principal) and his son Carter, Tammy (who works at Cottownwood) and her daughters Emma (who is in Aut's class) and Sarah, and Rosa and Vito joined us, too...I turned on the t.v., when we got home and saw a spot for the All Souls Procession.  A parade and finale for the Dia de los Muertos...I subconsciously filed it away and went about making lunches, flipping wash, vacuuming, getting the kids clothes ready for school tomorrow, texting for rides (thank you to all of our drivers!) for the bambini for the week, keeping an eye on football, which was keeping me company in the background of this controlled chaos...and finally, making dinner.
                 The parade started at 6:00 p.m., culminating with a huge, carnival like performance at the Mercado San Agustin.  We were finishing up dinner at 5:55 when I casually asked the kids if they wanted to go.  "What is it?"  they wanted to know.  I did my best to explain the costumes they might see there and that we'd be going to celebrate their Mama...
                Autumn and Antonio were all in.  "What time does it start?"  "5 minutes."  They rushed to get shoes, hats, etc.  My strategy was to get to the end of the parade route, which we made it to in plenty of time to check out the bands and displays before the actual parade made it to us.

                   Just inside the Mercado, there was a huge shrine erected in the plaza - I immediately regretted not thinking to bring along a photo of Kimmy.  Improvising, I reached into my wallet and left a Mary medallion that I carry for her.  There were bands playing and several hundred people, most dressed for the occasion, faces painted in varying skeleton type characters.  The little ones eyes were wide and round as they tried to absorb it all. 

                 When we heard rhythmic drumming approaching, we burst out of the plaza, onto Congress in time to see the parade approaching.

 

                                   The kids were absolutely mesmerized by the bands, the floats and the costumes.  Some so elaborate, it seemed they must work on them all year for this event.  They pointed and shouted "DAD!!! LOOK AT THAT ONE!!"  and "DID YOU SEE THE GRIM REAPER???"  and "HEY!!  THOSE GUYS ARE ON STILTS!".  They were besides themselves with glee.

 

A woman hurried by, handing out slips of paper and pencils.  Telling everyone to write the name of a loved one who had passed...she almost passed me.  She stopped, abruptly, turned to me and paused - seemingly seeing into my heart and said 'Here.  You need one of these.  It's flash paper.  Write her name on it and we will burn them all at the end on the big stage over there."  She pointed behind me.  I slowly turned, wondering how I could have missed the stage, that had to be 50 yards long, perched on the edge of the Santa Cruz and lit with neon towers.  "There will be performances and then a bonfire." She told me before disappearing into the crowd.

I stared at the flash paper, numbly.  Finally, I scrawled 'Kimmy' on it and turned it in to another painted lady who was coming by collecting names (souls) with a silver bucket.

                         We were there for over an hour and still the parade kept flowing by us.  The music was hypnotizing - reality felt very thin here.  Literally, every time I blinked, I saw Kim, standing beside me, clapping, engrossed in the festivities - sometimes turning to me and smiling, sometimes pointing out something she wanted to share with me.  Creating a strobe-like effect. Eyes close - she's there.  Open-gone. I found myself closing my eyes longer and longer.  To keep her there...

      
                                We finally began walking toward the massive stage, crossing over the vast, undeveloped, dirt lots that lay between the Mercado, end of the parade route and the Santa Cruz river...
   

                         Along the way, mini-performances were occurring. Autumn and Tonio watched the fire jugglers for quite awhile.  There were three guys on stilts who blew flames from their mouths, too.

                        We couldn't get too close to the main stage.  There were thousands of people.  We finally made our way to the south end of the stage and watched some from backstage.  I couldn't get a good picture of the whole scene.  It was incredible.  The sound system was fantastic and the music and performers were amazing.  The mood was somber, celebratory, sad and happy all at once.  Just another one of those electric moments, where mere words cannot convey all of the feelings.

                             The kids loved the giant praying mantis float!  They asked a million questions about life and death.  About their Mama. ('Did you and Mama ever come to this parade?' 'No, we never got to.', was the easy one.) Some questions touching on what she went through. And they pointed out tributes that people had for lost loved ones, wondering out loud how that person had passed, and complimenting the people on their decorations.  They noticed everything...the smells (burning incense), the decor, animals, other children.  Their little minds working overtime, fervishly trying to take it all in...Overwhelmed is how they felt.

                               Now we had been there two hours and still, the parade continued. This was the biggest parade I had ever been to in Tucson, and we had gone to the St. Patty's Day parade, the rodeo parade, the Halloween parade (actually marching in it one year as the three little pigs and the big bad wolf), the 4th of July parade, etc.  It was fascinating.  And, I always love the idea of honoring our lost loved ones, so I was hooked.  I took the above photo - I swear there was no one standing next to this float...but, when I downloaded the photos, this ancient woman was in this frame.  I don't know if you can zoom in on her, but, my first thought was that Kim would have loved to stop her and talk to her, to hear her stories...

 
                      Aztec dancers ended the parade - but the performances on stage were just getting started.  You could feel the energy, so positive, and of all the souls being honored somehow there.  It was like being in a dream - we didn't want it to end, we did not want to leave...
                      But, as we all have learned, nothing lasts forever....
                      ...we slowly made our way through the revelers, back into the Mercado, lingering in the inviting plaza, to see the bands and performers..."Did you have a nice time Dad?"  Autumn.  "Don't you want to get a t-shirt?"  "Can I take one last picture of you and Tonio over there.  In that light?" 

                                                           Away from the darkness...