Kimmy was so sweet during her whole journey...she was so upbeat and positive. She even told me, 'this is not how I'm going to go...we will be 95 and I will trip over our grandson's Tonka truck'...the odds were just stacked against her.
One of her doctors commented to me 'you know, this is the kind of case that makes you want to quit your profession and move out of town'. I went to see my Dr. tonight...thought it might be wise to get some blood work of my own done, just in case. He listened to my story with sympathy and, towards the end, his head began shaking and he told me, that from what he knows about adenocarcinoma, once it travels from the lung, it is a very deadly disease, spreading rapidly - further, once it begins to mess with the blood, like with Kim's blood clots, it has nearly run it's course. Trying to see the bright side, or the 'Kim side', I suppose it is a blessing that it went so quickly, as, my Dr. said that chemo rarely does more than postpone the inevitable. I can tell you, as quickly as I am down, Kim pulls me right back up - I just think back to her possibility thinking and turn things around.
But she was so positive...and it haunts me, did she know? I know she was adamant that she did not want the Drs. to let her know how much time she had, as if she were labeled with an expiration date, but still, I wonder...
Today, we took the bambini's to see the Legend of the Guardians, a movie about owls. Autumn is a huge owl fan. The kid's friends, Lexy and Breanna went along with us, as did Grammie and Grandpa Jim - the extra company keeps them distracted. They had fun, eating a ton of popcorn, candy, etc. As we littered the theatre, I had a Kim moment...and actually, for the first time ever, cleaned up the trash and put it in a trash can...one step at a time. Anyway, the kids played, ate some pasta, played some more, Tonio threw up (too much good time!), and then it was time to get ready for bed...tomorrow, I told them I'll teach them how to make pizzelles - Kim bought me a pizzelle iron nearly 25 years ago on 9th street in Philly and it still works great!
Well, it certainly hasn't gotten easier - Kim was such a huge part of our lives - the void is large, everything seems colder and the shadows deeper. During this, someone commented that going through a divorce is worse than losing a spouse...from where I stand - I would have rather had the divorce, because I know that Kim and I would have at least remained friends...and her children would still have their mother...and she would still be here, lighting up the lives of those around us...and I could go on and on, so much so, that I just felt sorry for the person who told me that!
Tonight, the moon had a beautiful, glowing ring around it and the stars poked out from behind the clouds. I couldn't seem to locate 'our' constellation, the Big Dipper...but, could feel Kim's calming presence in that beautiful night sky...
Love,
Dave
'Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.'
-Mother Teresa
God saw her gettin tired,& a cure was not 2 be. So He put His arms around her & whispered come with me. With tearful eyes. Although we love her dearly, we could not make her stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke our hearts 2prove 2 us, He only takes the BEST!!
ReplyDeleteDave you are AMAZING!! I just know Kim is so proud to watch down on you!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing in your sorrow and unanswered questions. We too, have many of the same questions and still struggle daily with coming to terms with no longer having beautiful Kim here with us. The void will never be filled. Cancer is such a horrible killer. And yes, we have also thought it a blessing that she went so quickly and did not have to endure the treatment and awful side effects of chemo. Although, I know it doesn't make it any easier, I know even one more day, hour, minute, second with her would have been what you wanted. We try to think of how her void especially during the Christmas season must be inpacting you and the kids and of course, there is no way to "imagine" what any of you are feeling. Please know that it has made a huge impact on how we treat each other in our family and how truly grateful we are for what we do have. We recently put our Christmas tree up and found many ornaments Kim had given us over the years and even a hand written note. I am so grateful to have these keepsakes to remember her by. We are praying for the healing of your family daily, and wish you comfort this Christmas season.
ReplyDeleteDave-
ReplyDeleteTry not to dwell in the sorrow... But, revel in the joy that was your life with Kim, in the incredible memories that are in your mind, and the unbounding love that you shared. Like I told each of your "bambini's" before I left, She will always be with you as long as you keep her here(pointing to their heads), and in here(pointing to their hearts).
I will miss my sister dearly, but it's selfish to think of my sorrow compared to the joy and happiness she spread. She's in a better place now, free of any cancer or pain, and you can be assured that she is looking down over you and the kids.
I truly believe that she probably knew her days may be short... But if she thought for one second that it would bring any pain or sorrow to anyone else that there was no way on this Earth that she would have shared that with you or us. I have seen too many signs from either her or God to suggest that she is anything but happy. From seeing her smiling face in the stars on the night she passed, and the unmatched beauty of the sunset on the day of her service, to that mirror on the back of discount knick-knack shelf in the Ross department store with Corinthians 13:13... Like the song says, "every little thing, gonna be alright".
I think that Kim's last thing she needed to do was to bring ALL of us together to make sure that we were here for you and the bambini's whenever you need us. And you know what? She did! ...and we are! And, I think that in some way she is still here. That maybe Christmas morning your tree may sparkle just a little bit brighter than the night before. That maybe the sun will feel just that much warmer. That she will do something to make all of you smile, because she wouldn't have it any other way.
You're the one that needs to learn how to ski now. You just went down the double-diamond stretch of the slope and you're face-down in the snow. Time to get up smiling. We'll all help.
Love,
Kenny
Dear Dave and kids, On Sunday, December 12, I called Mom to see how Kim was doing.I knew that she had talked to her earlier. Mom said she was sitting outside watching the kids play at the playground and she said that Kim was having a good day. I told Mom that I wanted to get something for Kim and decided to buy her a stained glass "Star of Bethlehem". I even asked Mom what colors you had inside your home, so I could pick the right color of star. So, Monday morning I went to the Moravian Book Store and bought her a white star, thinking she could hang it at the kitchen window.(she spent a lot of time in the kitchen) I wasn't home for more than an hour and was about to wrap it when the phone rang. It was Mom telling me that Kim was back in the hospital and things were not looking to good. I picked up the star and put it in my closet and shut the door- I didn't even want to see it. I was so angry and sad, I didn't know what to do- so I sat down and cried. The star sat in my closet for a whole week until we got back home from AZ. I took it out and looked at it and told Todd that I wanted to keep it. We hung it in our bay window as a rememberance of Kim. So last night Todd, Matt and I went to the Moravian Book Store to buy another one for you and the kids. I'll try to send it out tomorrow. Tell Cody not to play soccer with the box when it arrives! ha ha I just wish I could have given Kim a big hug, tell her how much she meant to me and told her that I loved her one more time. Love to all of you(Mom and Jim,too) Terri, Todd and Matt
ReplyDeleteTerri I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I went to the beach on Monday to find some seashells so I could make something special for Kim so she could be near the Ocean. My husband even helped design earrings with the shells and I made a charm bracelet to match. I also made little something for Autumn too. We spent the whole day thinking of her and how she would be laughing at us because it was 32f and snowing with the 30 mph gusts of wind. Tim and I were so excited and we couldn't wait to mail it off, but a friend called and gave me the sad news. I cried for hours. "weep with those who weep" Rom 12:15
ReplyDeleteMy husband I couldn't even sleep for several nights. I did not have the heart to mail the care package. Then my grandmother and another dear friend passed away. This blog made me realize how important friendship is so after several days had past and deep prayer, I finally decided to send my care package with the story to add to Kim's memories.
It still brings me to tears when I read this blog, but every memory you share with us Dave, makes me feel Kim's "fruitage of the spirit, LOVE, JOY, PEACE,LONG-SUFFERING, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITH, MILDNESS, AND SELF-CONTROL" Gal 5:22-23 every day, setting a wonderful example for us all to follow.
Kim is now resting in peace with no more pain and I look forward to seeing her in paradise.