Three Months...

       ....There are still days...wait, everyday, where I wake up...and, in those foggy, waking moments, I don't remember...I roll over, to look at where Kim is sleeping...even reach out, to touch her warm head...and then, focus, to find it's Antonio, snuggled beneath the blankets, warm and unassuming...at that moment of realization, it all comes back, but I take a moment to thank God, for the 33 years I knew Kimmy...for the 27 years we were together...I pray for Kimmy's soul, even though I know she is home and does not need my prayers...I thank God for Antonio and for Autumn and for Cody - the blessings He bestowed upon us...and for providing for us and for all that Kimmy did for me, to help me appreciate life and put aside my selfish whims...I cannot believe it has been three months...already.
         In the face of the tragedy in Japan, I almost feel selfish with my feelings, the detached, floating existence that I have...but, yet, it's there - dream into nightmare into reality...Three months later, I still miss Kimmy so much...my stabilizing factor, my friend, unquestioning and never having to make up excuses to not be there...and now, I'm untethered...
        On this eve, this dark anniversary, we sat out front and recounted Kimmy stories and I told how Kim lovingly and gently transformed me - her methods.  Her insight.  Her dedication.  And caring - she could see the potential, and unburied it. 
        Looking back, Kim always wanted that for everyone - what is your potential? What is stopping you?  And now, it is up to me to unlock that in the bambini's.
        Kimmy loved the outdoors...hiking, picnicing, the beach...she just enjoyed being outside...
        So today, I took them to Madera Canyon...where Kim and I hiked several times.  I got the bambini out of the house at 8, to take advantage of the cooler temps.  Later, in our driveway, Amy commented that she was impressed with our early departure, and, given our activities Saturday night, impressed I could even get out of bed.  The last time we made this hike was at least 10 years ago.  Cody, our little athelete, hiked so well, on his own.  Today, about 100 yards into our hike, Autumn told me her legs were hurting...'Dad, when did I become a marshmallow?', Autumn asked in despair.  'I will help you dear', I told her, taking hold of her hand.  Meanwhile, our resident marshmallow, Tonio, stoically proclaimed he was feeling good and, despite falling several times, never wavered. "Well, Autumn, I guess I'm not the marshmallow anymore!", he said.

              At the top of Mt. Baldy trailhead, we are ready to go.  Yes, we brought Bella.  It's time to get her acclimated to being a functioning part of our family - rather than just a pet, or a dog...a Cajun like presence in our lives.  This is the trailhead Kim, Cody and I last traversed...with Cajun.  I remembered it well, but, forgot the sheer beauty of this canyon...I felt the ghost of Kimmy, with me each step of the way, her pregnant with sweet little Autumn, but not wanting to turn back, because the day was so fresh, our time together so precious, special - and it was not in Kim to complain or put herself first.

              Up the trail!  It was a little chilly at the start (not for Cod and I), but the bambini did great!  Autumn and Tonio were concerned at the width, or lack of, of the path we were hiking, fearing they would slip and hurtle down the steep mountainside!

               We made frequent water stops as the day heated up...Cody and Bella kept a fast pace (hard to believe!).  This photo, almost reminds me of an old Rolling Stones album cover... 'Why haven't I ever been here?' Tonio asked...I explained Mama's fear of mountain lions, bears, drug trafficers (yes, there was a warning sign for all of these at the trailhead) and told them, we had to be careful, use our heads, be smart, but be able to enjoy the beautiful resources we have here in Arizona...we talked to every hiker as we passed them...a couple from Rochester, Minnesota...we had some good friends from there, Vicki and Jim Courson and once roadtripped there to see the North Stars play the Blues in a playoff hockey game...a man who told us he had just bought a book, written by a local author, about 3 boy scouts who had perished in this canyon back in the '50's (yeh, Autumn and Tonio were a little freaked out by that story!), a shirtless man, who told us we were about a mile from the summit!  Autumn quickly compared him to me, walking shirtless yesterday at the Tucson Book Festival...yelling AHH HAAA HAAA HAAA!  A couple from State College, PA (small freakin world!) and I had my Penn State hat on! 

            As we climbed, we talked to one another - the four musketeers...helping each other up the steep path, winding curves, slippery slopes.  Holding hands when we needed to.
           At one point, Tonio whispered 'Stop!...Look!'.  Up on the slope, perhaps 30 yards, were two deer, frozen and watchful.  They were beautiful.  Bella noticed and called out to them, causing them to break and run.  Tonio has his Mama's sharp eye for animals...Kimmy would always be the one to point out a coyote or javelina as we hiked...

Yeh, so my editing skills are not great...Ami, I tried rotating this before posting, but it did not work!! Check out Aut's umbrella, which she purchased at the Tucson Book Festival yesterday!  We ended up doing about 4 miles of pretty rugged hiking and saw plenty of beauty in the wild today.  When we got back to Tucson, we headed straight for Viro's and ate some great lunch!

In the evening, I made fish for Aut, Hadley, Betsey and Brian - Kim's favorite cod, lightly seasoned with asparagus.  I made this for her each night we were blessed to have her home from the hospital - it was her favorite.  I also made asparagus (finally a reasonable price!) - putting olive oil and about a tbls of butter in a pan, melting, adding two cloves of garlic and heating this mixture up.  Then, placing asparagus in the pan for about 4 minutes and sprinkling with sea salt and pepper. Amy and I ate the asparagus.  And we sat in the driveway, as I revisited our lives together...

To round out the night...we went out to say goodnight to Kimmy and tell her we loved her...then, Cody and I watched 'The Departed', the Martin Scorcese masterpiece.  Cody really enjoyed it and we had a great discussion about Leonardo DiCaprio's versatile acting abilities.  I asked which movie he liked better - Inception or The Departed...he wasn't sure, but loved DiCaprio in each movie.  It is so nice to spend an evening with Cody - he is so bright and insightful.  And, the sound track featured Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb...so I broke out The Wall afterwards and we listened to it together...

We have some good moments and some great ones, too!  But, as we approached tonight, I think we all slept less...I know that sleep has eluded me...it's ok though, alseep...awake...it's all the same...sleep's overrated anyway.  During our hike, Tonio suddenly broke down and said he wished Mama could be here to see this beauty...I told him she was and could see and was showing us the best parts, the most beautiful views...that made him feel good...

'When I was a child...

I caught a fleeting gimpse.

Out of the corner of my eye.

I turned to look,

but it was gone,

The child has grown,

The dream is gone

I...have become, comfortably numb'

-Pink Floyd

Love,

   Dave