It's the little things that hurt the most...those 'insignificant milestones'...the first time I realized I had no more clean wash of Kimmy's to put away (and she'd always razz my folding skills, or lack of, calling me a 'shover'!)...the first time we ate at Kimmy's favorite restaurant, Zona 78...finishing that bottle of Bombay gin that I had gotten her for our anniversary last year...looking under the bathroom cabinet for soap and seeing the roller carefully wrapped in a plastic baggie, that she had used to repaint the bambini's bathroom just before she'd gotten sick, now over 7 months ago...
Oh, don't get me wrong, the big things are challenging, too - they run you over like a freight train, but at least you see that coming. I knew so far in advance that our anniversary would be tough, so when it came and I filled it full of good memories, I found myself upright at the end of the day...Cody's birthday and graduation, Autumn's birthday were hard - I know Tonio's will be, too. Memorial Day - that's an in betweener, as it is not necessarily a Christmas, or Easter, but Kim always made it a fun and special day for us...
Interesctions sometimes bring me to my knees. Yes, intersections. How about saying a little prayer, or possibly a Hail Mary for Kimmy the next time you cross Golf Links and Bonanza? Perhaps the hardest one for me to pass. We were heading east on Golf Links in early October, the 5th I believe, to visit with Vi and my Dad at their hotel and to let the kids swim...Kimmy doubled over in pain, in the passenger seat and asked me to pull over. I asked what was wrong - she said she had bad cramping pain across her lower rib cage and just needed to stand up straight.
I quickly made a right onto Bonanza, heading north and pulled over - bolting out of my door and rushing to open hers for her and help her out. "Kimmy, can I take you to a Dr.?"..."No, just a cramp...I'm OK"...I held her tight, then helped her walk a few steps, Kimmy breathing in and breathing out, trying to work it out...and she did. And we drove to the hotel and had a nice afternoon...but, now, when I pass that intersection, I do wish I had taken her to the Dr, even though I know it would not have done anything but extend her hospital stay by exactly two weeks...
The interesection of Tanque Verde and Grant...you know the one with the McDonalds that has the giant T-Rex, dwarfed only by the gigantic traffic light and camera system...When I pass through that, I can still see myself, chatting happily with Kimmy, having just finished an ethics class for real estate. I was so excited to have finished the class early and to be able to meet Kim for lunch before we had to go get the kids from school. As I approached that light, it turned yellow - but I was not going to be denied even two minutes of time with Kimmy and I told her "I'm running the yellow light to get to you!" Laughing, Kimmy giggling...Turned out the light was red and I had to go to traffic school - but, those extra minutes with Kimmy? Priceless.
Speedway and Camino Seco, where Kim burst into tears, exclaiming how especially beautiful everything looked today (a few days before she passed) and how much she loved Tucson...intersections...
I seem to come across the small stuff most frequently around the house. There is the garter from her sister, Terri's wedding, in the glove compartment of my truck. The stray earring I find in my suit pocket. Our travel log from our last California trip, nearly four years ago - and the places we visited, the shops Kimmy liked, the places we ate at...all in her neat handwriting - which I can only describe as 'happy'. I know I will revisit these places, when we head out there in a few weeks - I know I need to be ready, for the bambini's sake.
It hits me when a shirt Kim lovingly picked out for me has worn out...replanting in her garden was a happy/sad experience this year, especially since we lost a lot during that freeze we had - I tried to find the same plants and came pretty close. Coming across her Volunteer Coordinator planning book...complete with notes to create volunteer guidelines handouts...planning volunteer luncheons and staff appreciation events...notes about who is donating what...Wendy Anderson, at Safeway, able to donate a $50 gift card (and Kimmy jots 'woo hoo!' with a smilely next to it...)...organizing the school's snack bar schedule and who to call for what...she was on it...carefully planning each event, for the year...I know the crawl space, above the garage, is going to be ripe with mementos...too. Another day...
We cycle through these things...Autumn, running to show me a 'new' pair of Mama's earring she has discovered, and is wearing...Tonio, noticing it was Mama who labeled his lunch box...Cody, choosing Kim's favorite number, 18, in a magic trick Brendon was showing us the other day. Here's one too...when I'm in the mall, or at the store and see a cute shirt or sandals...and realize there's no Kimmy to buy those for...She is so easy to miss, I mean, so hard not to miss - you get the picture...
In the bathroom, I just ran out of the Speedstick that got me through Kim's hospital stay. A few weeks ago, I finished the last tube of toothpaste we shared. That beat up pair of Nike's she bought me that I just can't seem to part with. These are the little things, the details...put enough of these together and you have a lifetime of memories...wonderful memories.
Autumn just told me it's time to say goodnight to Mama...she had a fun day hanging with Lexy and Hadley - we took them and Tonio and Mitch to see the Diary of a Wimpy Kid, went to La Salsa and Lexy and Autumn came home and watched movies until just a few minutes ago when Andrea picked up Lexy (Justin Bieber was their favorite!) - good times. We missed Tonio tonight, who is sleeping over at Mitch's house - Betsey called for me to send Hadley home at 8:30 and said he was already out like a light!! Tonight, there were some clouds covering the Big Dipper...so we stood out back talking for a little while. Autumn looked up and yelled 'The Big Dipper!'...sure enough, a hole in the clouds had formed, just large enough for the Dipper to shine through...I imagined that the hole appeared to be heart shaped...
Love,
Dave
PS About 11 p.m, Brian called and said Tonio missed us and wanted to come home. While we walked home, I heard Autumn tell Tonio 'You should say goodnight to Mama on the way. We went out back and the Big Dipper was covered with clouds, and a hole opened up so we could see it, and guess what? The hole was heart shaped!'...
Oh, don't get me wrong, the big things are challenging, too - they run you over like a freight train, but at least you see that coming. I knew so far in advance that our anniversary would be tough, so when it came and I filled it full of good memories, I found myself upright at the end of the day...Cody's birthday and graduation, Autumn's birthday were hard - I know Tonio's will be, too. Memorial Day - that's an in betweener, as it is not necessarily a Christmas, or Easter, but Kim always made it a fun and special day for us...
Interesctions sometimes bring me to my knees. Yes, intersections. How about saying a little prayer, or possibly a Hail Mary for Kimmy the next time you cross Golf Links and Bonanza? Perhaps the hardest one for me to pass. We were heading east on Golf Links in early October, the 5th I believe, to visit with Vi and my Dad at their hotel and to let the kids swim...Kimmy doubled over in pain, in the passenger seat and asked me to pull over. I asked what was wrong - she said she had bad cramping pain across her lower rib cage and just needed to stand up straight.
I quickly made a right onto Bonanza, heading north and pulled over - bolting out of my door and rushing to open hers for her and help her out. "Kimmy, can I take you to a Dr.?"..."No, just a cramp...I'm OK"...I held her tight, then helped her walk a few steps, Kimmy breathing in and breathing out, trying to work it out...and she did. And we drove to the hotel and had a nice afternoon...but, now, when I pass that intersection, I do wish I had taken her to the Dr, even though I know it would not have done anything but extend her hospital stay by exactly two weeks...
The interesection of Tanque Verde and Grant...you know the one with the McDonalds that has the giant T-Rex, dwarfed only by the gigantic traffic light and camera system...When I pass through that, I can still see myself, chatting happily with Kimmy, having just finished an ethics class for real estate. I was so excited to have finished the class early and to be able to meet Kim for lunch before we had to go get the kids from school. As I approached that light, it turned yellow - but I was not going to be denied even two minutes of time with Kimmy and I told her "I'm running the yellow light to get to you!" Laughing, Kimmy giggling...Turned out the light was red and I had to go to traffic school - but, those extra minutes with Kimmy? Priceless.
Speedway and Camino Seco, where Kim burst into tears, exclaiming how especially beautiful everything looked today (a few days before she passed) and how much she loved Tucson...intersections...
I seem to come across the small stuff most frequently around the house. There is the garter from her sister, Terri's wedding, in the glove compartment of my truck. The stray earring I find in my suit pocket. Our travel log from our last California trip, nearly four years ago - and the places we visited, the shops Kimmy liked, the places we ate at...all in her neat handwriting - which I can only describe as 'happy'. I know I will revisit these places, when we head out there in a few weeks - I know I need to be ready, for the bambini's sake.
It hits me when a shirt Kim lovingly picked out for me has worn out...replanting in her garden was a happy/sad experience this year, especially since we lost a lot during that freeze we had - I tried to find the same plants and came pretty close. Coming across her Volunteer Coordinator planning book...complete with notes to create volunteer guidelines handouts...planning volunteer luncheons and staff appreciation events...notes about who is donating what...Wendy Anderson, at Safeway, able to donate a $50 gift card (and Kimmy jots 'woo hoo!' with a smilely next to it...)...organizing the school's snack bar schedule and who to call for what...she was on it...carefully planning each event, for the year...I know the crawl space, above the garage, is going to be ripe with mementos...too. Another day...
We cycle through these things...Autumn, running to show me a 'new' pair of Mama's earring she has discovered, and is wearing...Tonio, noticing it was Mama who labeled his lunch box...Cody, choosing Kim's favorite number, 18, in a magic trick Brendon was showing us the other day. Here's one too...when I'm in the mall, or at the store and see a cute shirt or sandals...and realize there's no Kimmy to buy those for...She is so easy to miss, I mean, so hard not to miss - you get the picture...
In the bathroom, I just ran out of the Speedstick that got me through Kim's hospital stay. A few weeks ago, I finished the last tube of toothpaste we shared. That beat up pair of Nike's she bought me that I just can't seem to part with. These are the little things, the details...put enough of these together and you have a lifetime of memories...wonderful memories.
Autumn just told me it's time to say goodnight to Mama...she had a fun day hanging with Lexy and Hadley - we took them and Tonio and Mitch to see the Diary of a Wimpy Kid, went to La Salsa and Lexy and Autumn came home and watched movies until just a few minutes ago when Andrea picked up Lexy (Justin Bieber was their favorite!) - good times. We missed Tonio tonight, who is sleeping over at Mitch's house - Betsey called for me to send Hadley home at 8:30 and said he was already out like a light!! Tonight, there were some clouds covering the Big Dipper...so we stood out back talking for a little while. Autumn looked up and yelled 'The Big Dipper!'...sure enough, a hole in the clouds had formed, just large enough for the Dipper to shine through...I imagined that the hole appeared to be heart shaped...
Love,
Dave
PS About 11 p.m, Brian called and said Tonio missed us and wanted to come home. While we walked home, I heard Autumn tell Tonio 'You should say goodnight to Mama on the way. We went out back and the Big Dipper was covered with clouds, and a hole opened up so we could see it, and guess what? The hole was heart shaped!'...
I recently read this article, about the loss of a child, but it is applicable to loss in general. Here is part of it - I inserted the (XX) parts.
ReplyDelete"You don't get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate goal. An unreasonable hope. The loss of a child (spouse) changes you. It changes your marriage. It changes the way birds sing. It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You are forever different.
You don't want to get over it. Don't act surprised. As awful a burden as grief is, you know intuitively that it matters, that it is profoundly important to be grieving. Your grief plays a crucial part in staying connected to your child's (insert spouse or other person you lost) life. To give up your grief would mean losing your child (spouse) yet again. If I had the power to take your grief away, you'd fight me to keep it. Your grief is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere inside you, you know that.
The goal is not to get over it. The goal is to get on with it."
The article goes on - and it is dead on in so many ways. I can forward you the entire thing if you'd like.
Hang on to the little things :)
Thank you for sharing Dave. I hope to never take moments with Jen like that for granted. You certainly didn't with Kim. I continue to pray for all of you.
ReplyDeleteDan