Ordinary World

           ...8 months...

                  Before you go any further, do me a favor - que up 'Ordinary World', use the drag down bar and look at the lyrics...then read (and thank you, faithful readers, for continuing to read!).

                  Each night, before I write, I pull up Kimmy's blog, never knowing which song is going to play first.  I guess it is coincidental, yet, the song that begins to play, typically fits the type of day that I had, or expresses what I am feeling as I prepare to bleed  pour everything out/write...

                  Tonight, on the eve of it being 8 months since Kimmy left, passed away - it's still so hard to know how to phrase her leaving, hard to know which feels right - "Ordinary World" came right on...and I thought "Yes, that's about how it feels today."

                I don't dream much - but, I still don't sleep much.  Which works out just fine, as I have a lot to do and there never seems to be enough time to get it all done.  It's ok, though.  Some days, I cannot wait for the sun to set.  Others, I cannot wait for it to come back up.  And, sometimes - I can't care either way.  Last night, though, I did dream.  It was our last night, after those five, incredible days (thank you God, thank you Kim, for those fabulous memories!).  But it wasn't.  I was telling someone, a Dr., I think, about that last, terrifying night - I was trying to relay the horror, the helplessness...the hopelessness - wrapped around the 'how will I care for the bambini and get Kim back to St. Joe's?!?!'.

               As the blackness began to creep in, and I inadequately attempted to replay that night to the...who? Dr.?  Maybe.  I abruptly woke up - sweating - a scream on my lips...and looked at the clock: 3:16 - "For God so loved the world, He gave His only Son..." flashed through my mind instantly.  My next thought was; 'This was around the time, that Kim woke, desperate. Panicked.  And we began that final ride together...into the vortex.'

              What woke me??  I did not hear a sound.  Was it the dream?  Why precisely at 3:16?  I felt the urge to go into the living room - as the red chair came into view, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end...nothing.  I walked into the kitchen, looking.  Nothing.  I flicked on the light and locked my eyes on Kimmy's urn, looking for something, anything...

               Drained, I limped back to bed and fell asleep...until the alarm brought me soaring back into the daylight at 5:00 a.m.  The dream came back to me.  My search, too.  And I knew what was coming - I spent the day fighting it, and mostly succeeded (I had some help, thanks! ; ) - justifying, trying to matter, make a difference...

              

               8 months...an eternity, yet, a blink of an eye...