My Angel

 

"How do angels get their wings?"  Kim asked me one day, out of the blue...

 

"I don't know, how?"

 

Kim loved classic movies,  Shirley Temple, Alfred Hitchcock,  "Cool Hand Luke", starring Paul Newman, "On the Waterfront" with Marlon Brando.  Joan Crawford. And James Stewart.

 

Each Christmas, we'd watch "It's a Wonderful Life" - I'd try to imitate James Stewart to make Kimmy giggle "I'll lasso you the mooooonnnn"  I'd drawl.  The movie was ok, but, what made the movie was being able to curl up with Kim on the couch to watch the movie!

 

                 In the story, James Stewart's character, George Bailey, has fallen on hard times and has given up.  He is on the verge of suicide.  St. Joseph, calls upon Clarence, an angel who has not yet earned his wings, to go save George.  St. Joseph tells Clarence, if he can save George, maybe he can earn his wings.
                 Clarence shows George what a terrible place Bedford Falls would be without him, and convinces George that he has a wonderful life.
                 "No man is a failure who has friends" he tells George.  At that moment, a bell rings on George's family Christmas tree, signaling that Clarence has earned his wings!

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              I cannot tell you how many times we watched this movie together...Kim could have watched it twice as many as we did.

                So, nearly every time we were out and about - no matter where, or what, we might have been doing - if we heard a bell ring, we'd pause and listen, then turn and look into each others eyes and Kim would whisper "an angel got their wings!" - her smile would warm the darkest depths of my heart...

               I can clearly remember the day that I heard the sweetest bells, tinkling over the wind.  The day Kimmy got her wings.  The clarity of the moment - it was unmistakable, as if I was an audience to her ceremony.  It may have taken 'Clarence' 200 years to earn his wings in the movie, but it was no surprise to me, that Kim earned hers in a year and a half!

              It was at Tonio's 3rd grade luau...Lupe had worked so hard planning a perfect day for our little ones.  Monsi and Tonio were inseparable, going on the jumping castles, playing all of the games that the Lupe had set up, eating a buffet of food and running through the downpour created by our Rita Ranch fire department! All of the 3rd graders and their teachers had a blast!!

                                             Tonio works hard on signing a shirt, with Monsi and Lupe in the background...

 

Wait to LIMBO!!!

 

Jenny Rienstra (Mons and Tonio's teacher) and Lupe enjoying the day...

 

                                                Here, the kids formed a circle, getting ready to play a game where one child gets a sponge, soaking wet, with  ice chilled water.  He/she chooses to douse another classmate on the head, at which point, the soakee must chase down the soaker before he/she gets back to their spot...
          ...while setting this up, just after snapping this photo, I was began to experience that sensation of time slowing down...and noticed how beautiful a day it was, the park was gorgeous that day.  I was staring off across the park, when I heard the familiar singing of a hummingbird.  I turned to see a pretty, green hummingbird, landing on the branch of the mesquite tree just above my head.  I squinted through the sun's brilliant rays to see her better...a breeze rippled across the park....
             ...and then, I heard the bells, unmistakable, carried by the breeze...I looked left, toward the source, to see if I could see anyone that might have been carrying a small set of bells - such a soft sound, yet clear. It seemed as though I could hear nothing else - not the squealing of the happy children, or the birds in the trees, or the cars passing by on Rita Road - all was absolutely silent - except for the bells. I looked back up at the hummingbird, which seemed to lift off in slow motion, hovering...when the jingling of the bells stopped, she swooped away, off into the blue sky...
  
                                At that moment, I knew what had just occurred, without a shadow of a doubt...it seemed an eternity passed as I processed the beauty of what had happened - the joy I felt, welling up inside me - how happy and proud of Kimmy I was at that moment....I cannot do this moment justice with words - the feeling was overwhelming, the moment so clear, so beautiful...just about indescribable.  The feeling of peace  that swept over me as I felt the cool breeze, eyes locked on the hummingbird and then, the jingling of the bells, from somewhere off to my left...

              Just like that, my time bubble burst - I could hear the children's laughter again and turned back to the game, which had just started...

               I've thought about that day often...I know that it was a perfect day for Kim to get her wings.  During the 3rd grade luau.  She had planned Cody's...and Autumn's.  Lupe had done such a fantastic job of making it a memorable, perfect day for the 3rd graders - Kimmy would have to have been there, for Antonio.  For us.  She'd earned those wings...my angel....

 

 

 

 

               Maybe, just maybe, the next time you hear bells ring - it will be your guardian angel who is receiving their wings...

 

 

Mission Impossible

                 It's been a long day...tomorrow will be longer...

                 But, I managed to still get Bella out into the desert, the air cool from monsoon activity and fragrant with creosote...
                 Tonio decided to join me.  "Can we climb through the barb wire, into the desert?"  he asked.  He's such a sweet soul, a broken soul, a not quite lost, but almost, soul.  I could not say no.
                 He watched intently as I carefully lifted Bella through a gap in the barb wire fence - not really a 'gap', but, just an area where someone had lifted one strand of barb wire high enough so you can wiggle through...He told me 'Be careful Dad!' as I followed Bella...and then, I turned to lift him, but, thought to boost his confidence and talked him through...he made it flawlessly...
                 ...and we walked, down a long abandoned dirt road, deeper and deeper into the desert, toward the Rincon Mountains, the sun setting behind us...trail bordered by ever tightening, cholla prickly pear cacti...Tonio spotting every lizard, quail, rabbit and chipmunk...with watchful eye out for the herd of cattle that graze this section of desert.
                  He's deep, Tonio, and asked question after question on our walk...it was nice to spend time with him and I told him stories of the hikes Mama and I used to take.  He wanted to know every detail - what had we seen?  Who was with us?  What was it like?

                 Autumn and Tonio always want to have 'movie night'.  I tell them, if they get ready for bed fast enough, there will be time.  They wanted me to choose a movie tonight.  So, I chose Mission Impossible 2.  I am not a Tom Cruise fan, but this is a great movie.
                The soundtrack is fantastic and really sets the mood.  The bambini were mesmerized by the action and Autumn was able to call what would happen next enough times that it made me fell as if a) it was Kim sitting next to me, pulling a 'Columbo' or b) she'd already seen this movie...
                "I don't really like Tom Cruise", she said at one point, "But he's pretty good in this movie.".
                 I would let them know when my favorite scenes were coming up...
                 Tom Cruise, as Ethan Hunt, must rid the world of a deadly virus, fight his arch enemy and previous spy partner, and, you guessed it - save the girl in the face of overwhelming odds.
                
                 The girl, played by Thandie Newton, trying to save Ethan Hunt from sure demise, injects herself with the virus (which, she knows, is a viable way to transport it) - as the bad guys unload round after round of lead trying to stop Hunt.  The bullets stop once the bad guys realize the girl has the virus in her blood stream and Ethan Hunt is ready to escape...
                
                   "You can't get us both out of here, can you?"  She asks Hunt....No, of course he cannot, but, he vows that he will save her.  The emotion of this scene, brought back every effort that I made to 'get us both out of here', during Kim's fight.

                   My favorite scene...

 

The white dove, through a flaming doorway, heralds the arrival of the hero, aiming to get the bad guys....and save the girl.

 

The white dove.  When Kim's father, Ken, passed away from cancer a decade ago...a white dove visited our home.  Kim was sure.  Certain.  That is was her Dad visiting us...so, the white dove in this movie held some meaning for me. 

 

I remember seeing this show with Kimmy.  She'd indulge me my action movies and was not a Cruise fan either.  But, she enjoyed this one.  We enjoyed it together, chuckling at some of the impossible stunts, but enjoying them just the same.  Even Aut, during a scene where Ethan Hunt has his motorcycle on one wheel, pulling a 180 and shooting a the bad guys the whole time, commented 'Yeh, he's good, but that's not really Tom Cruise doing these stunts...'

 

And, in the end, as the girl is about to jump off the highest cliff to rid the world of the virus...Ethan Hunt comes through, swooping in to save her...

 

I am a sentimental guy - I hold on to certain memories...moments in time.  Connecting events to make meaning out of them...

...and I have a story about an angel for you.

But not tonight.  It's late, I'll be on the road by 430ish, and need to get to sleep...to dream...

 

 

 

 

               

More memories...

                   In my last post, I talked about how the memories that I have keep me going.  Talk about rocket fuel!  We sure had some wonderful times...
                   Long Beach Island, NJ holds so many - as I read about hurricanes hitting the east coast, I remember the time we were staying on L.B.I. when the tail end of one hit.  I do not recall what the hurricane's name was, but, that doesn't seem important. 
                  I believe I've written about L.B.I. before, and mentioned that it is a barrier reef island, situated six miles from the mainland.  It is 18 miles long and only a mile wide at it's widest point.  We had been from tip to tip more times than I can count, but favored Beach Haven, near it's middle. 
                 When hurricanes hit, the island had a propensity to flood, as, there was no where for all of that rain to go and with heightened surf activity, well, it just compounded the issue. 
                 We were staying at one of our favorite 'hole in the wall' hotels, the Elton, during one of these hurricanes (thanks Brian Duffy, a island native and one of my Shippensburg University roommates, for this photo!).
        

 

We liked the Elton, for the price (about $40/ night, with shared bathroom, or $60 would buy you your very own bathroom!), the location (about one block off the beach and walking distance to our favorite pubs, night clubs and watering holes) and the escape.  We'd bring peanut butter, bananas and Wheat Thins, which would serve for breakfast and lunch.  After a few days, our room would smell of bananas. 

We liked to either fish for our dinner or we'd splurge and go out to eat.  One of our favorites, Stefano's, is still there.  Our friend, Brian Duffy (master photographer), worked at this restaurant and would provide us with the house hookup.  When he sent me this photo, I asked him if Stefano's was still there.  He texted back 'Actually, I'm just leaving there right now'...

Anyway, the surf the day the hurricane was coming was fabulous.  We'd body surf, risking sand burns, and more, then crawl up to our towels to 'get some color' as Kim loved to say.  By afternoon, the skies were gray and foreboding...and then, the rains came. 

We ran back to our room, laughing, getting drenched.  Oh, I forgot to mention, that along with the p.b. and bananas, we'd also bring the large size bottle of Tanqueray. Gin.  Our special favorite.  We'd walk over to the 7-11 and get some tonic and limes to go with it, but, sometimes just pour it over ice and plop a couple of olives in it.  So, when we got back to the Elton, we braced ourselves for the storm and mixed up happy hour!

When the rains finally stopped, the roads were impassable.  We did not mind.  We literally waded down the street to a diner, had breakfast then splashed down to the beach to watch the turbulent and majestic Atlantic ocean pound the beach.

Later, we walked through thigh deep water on the street (no dangerous current like here in Arizona during monsoon) to the nearest bar to catch a band and a beer.  I believe we would have been happy to be 'stranded' like this the rest of our lives....

 

....the rest of our lives...Today, driving home from church and Viro's, questions began to formulate from the rear of Kim's Expedition...

"Dad?  Were you surprised with how fast Mama went?"  Autumn.  "I mean, didn't it take Grandpop more than 8 years to pass away from the same cancer?"

Surprised?  How about bowled over?

I mean, seriously.  Technology.  Advances in medicine.  Faith and prayer.  I knew Kimmy would beat it.

"Dad?  Mama went in for gall bladder surgery, right?"  Yes.  "So, when they found cancer, why the heck didn't they just cut it all out?". 

Well Autumn, that is exactly what I asked Dr. Atkinson, the day he decided to show me 8x10 glossies of Kim's liver, following 'successful' gall bladder surgery - just after the room stopped jouncing up and down like a large tray of jello.

"I knew Mama wasn't going to make it Dad."  Autumn again.  "I mean, I prayed and hoped, but, I just had this feeling...you know what I mean?"

Tonio: "Really?"  his voice a mere squeak.

Some days, I just don't want to.

 

Gas prices.  Kim would always laugh, every time I talked to my Dad - "Did youse talk about gas prices?"  Yes.  "Why?  It doesn't matter how much it cost, cuz you need it anyway" she'd reason.  Correctly.

Gassing up the other day, I noticed we were directly across the street from the Tanque Verde Apartments, where our Arizona adventure began.

 

      We hand picked this place, with my Dad's help.  Off street parking!  BONUS!  An exercise room!  Our last apartment in Philly?  My weight bench was where you would typically put the dining room table - that was our 'excercise room'.  Not one pool, but two! No pool back east.  Movie night once a month.  Sunday morning breakfast.  This was not apartment living...it was resort living!  And we took advantage of all of the amenities and had a blast living there...walking across the street to Udall Park - sometimes with a soccer ball to kick back and forth to each to other, or with our pup Cajun to run her.  We'd walk, hand in hand, down Tanque Verde Ave to the Safeway for groceries and liked to go to Bruegger's Bagels on Sunday and sit out front with Cajun enjoying our bagels. 

         Autumn always uncovers 'treasures' that evoke wonderful memories...

         Lord only knows where she came across this ancient relic...a ticket stub from a Philadelphia Wings game.  Lacrosse.  We saw the team's inaugural game versus the Pittsburgh Bulls and were hooked!  Fast paced, lots of action and very little stoppage time.  The crowd was always very enthusiastic, too!

          Finally, back to songs...I recently introduced the bambini to Elvis Costello.  'Watching the Detectives'.  I told the kids, that one of the lines in this song was written for their Mama.  They were intrigued...'She pulls his eyes out with a face like a magnet'...there, that's the one!  I had to explain it to Tonio, but could tell that Autumn immediately appreciated the sentiment.
         Muse - one of Kimmy's favorites, has their new one "Madness" out..."I can't get these memories out of my mind..."  And one by T.I. "Dead and Gone"..."I've been traveling down this road too long, just tryin to find my way back home, but the old me's dead and gone. Dead and gone."  Maybe I'm the pillow man...
         The bambini delight in relating to one another through music.  Cody is the DJ and Aut and Tonio will shout out requests:  "Can I hear 'Nocturnal Rainbows'?  Aut will ask.  "Sure" Cody replies, queuing it up.  "How about 'Invincible'?" Tonio asks.  Machine Gun Kelly.  The other day, we are sharing a meal at Viro's, and one of the new cooks comes out from behind the counter.  Tall, skinny.  Wearing a bandanna.  Cody leans in to the kids and whispers "LOOK!  It's Machine Gun Kelly!".  Aut and Tonio were convinced it really was.  Even this morning, when he walked in for work, Autumn caught my eye, tilted her head subtly in his general direction and mouthed "MACHINE GUN KELLY" at me, with a wink and a Kimmy grin.
         And then there is Redlight King - "I know what how it feels, when you have to start over.  Only this time, there's no one to save me."

         We miss Kimmy, but we love to share the memories.  The stories.  The smiles she gave us....

 

 

 

Too close to the sun...

             In the end, we flew just a little too close to the sun...

                                                                   Myrtle Beach 1986


                   Autumn asked me today...'Dad, if our house was on fire, and you could only save one thing, what would it be?'  "You guys".  "No Dad, we are already safe.  Outside.  So is Bella."  "Our wedding album...NO, the computer - there's so many pictures of your Mama on there..."

                  The memories...they keep me going.  I am so thankful for each and every memory. 

                  While at Viro's on Thursday night, enjoying the Italian Wedding Soup...Vito's cousin Mauro pulled up in a new Lexus FSI.  First time I had ever seen one, beautiful car.  Mauro told us the story, about how he had been looking online for one for many months, finally finding one in Chico, CA.  He flew into San Francisco and drove the three hours to Chico to get his car.  He told Vito, the bambini and I about driving back along the Pacific, the scenery, the wineries and the beaches. 
                 "I've never made it north of Huntington Beach" I confessed.
                   There followed a stunned silence.  Vtio and Mauro couldn't believe Kim and I never made it farther north.  "We meant to."  I told them and maybe, one day, I will take the kids there.  I told them how we had been as far north as Quebec, Candada, to the tip of Florida, on the east coast....but had only talked about, dreamed about, getting to visit northern California...the Redwood Forrest...Monterrey...and driving the coastal highway.
                 But, I have the memories of the roadtrips we did get to enjoy...
                 Memories are a funny thing...sometime bringing a smile, floating out of the mist...sometimes, pulling a tear.  Instead.
                  I embrace them both.  Either way, memories are a beautiful thing...
                  The walks...we loved them.  The first two years that we lived in our current house, we would walk every day, taking the 'loop' around the perimeter of our neighborhood, out into the desert. The bambini and our pups always enjoyed this.  Cajun and Zona.  Then just with Zona.  And now, with Bella. We'd see animals, like javelina, coyotes, road runners, quail, chipmunks, rabbits and the occasional stray cow from the neighboring ranch.  This time of year, Kim would be on the lookout for a wild vine, growing on the barbed wire fence between us and the desert.  Sometimes, we slip beneath that barbed wire fence and escape, into the desert beauty.  We'd follow the rugged, dirt, ranch road.  Or the paths that the cows would forge.  Or, we'd make our way, carefully through the cholla and creostote.  These walks were fabulous, through the pristine desert.  We found a watering hole,  She always wanted us to collect the gourds that grew there, as the monsoon faded from our summer.

                   We took one tonight.  The clouds and the sunset evoking fond memories.  The bambini reciting them, like folklore.  And Tonio, spotting the vine first, "DAD!!  There they are!!!  Can I pick one??", already sprinting forward. Of course.  We picked three.  And saw two road runners and two bunnies.  Thanks Kim!
                   Working in her garden.  Trimming the olive trees that we planted together, after Kimmy had me rip out the mesquite trees that had been planted by the builder.  I worked on hanging some more angels..

                  ...lately, I notice, the tears fall from memories pulled to the surface by songs.  And movies.  When I am 'alone', on my way to work, or on my way home.  In the darkness of the theater (or so I believe).  And late at night, writing.  Remembering...
                   Music.  Anberlin. Train. Autumn has recently discovered "50 Ways to Say Goodbye"  Any Motown or Bowie. The new Muse - "Madness". 
Skylar Grey and her haunting voice, in "Rescue Me".  Again ("I Need a Dr", I think her voice sounds like Kim's).  Giving the highway that far away feel as they take me back.
                  The movies.  I notice that the ones we've gone to seen lately (Batman, Spiderman) or watched on DVD (Bourne Identity) have a common theme.  There is a hero.  He falls in love.  The girl is in perile.  The hero saves the girl and they enjoy another day.  Brings to the mind the 'Why couldn't I' questions.  I mean, Spiderman, bullet wound in the thigh, but with the community of crane operators support (I certainly had the community support, but couldn't save the girl), is able to make his way across NYC and save his girl.  Shot in the thigh!  And he still made it.
                 Always makes me wonder...

                                                     Hard to see, but, as I hung the angels, I noticed a little dove in the tree, sitting on her nest...watching over me...

                           

                                     

               
            

Do you have a story?

            One of the things that I truly love, is when I run into someone and they say 'I remember the time Kim...'  If you have any for me, please don't hesitate to let me know! It's especially great when they relate a story that I did not know about.  I tell the bambini stories nearly every day.  They always ask a lot of questions, not wanting to miss out on one detail, hanging on every word that I say.  The memories replay themselves, in my mind, in stunning clarity.  And, it's always nice to have her back for that moment...

             ...Labor Day fell on a Monday this year.  Wait, does it fall on a Monday every year?  The kids were off, and I thought I'd see if I could get them out to San Xavier for a Mass with me...Monday's are special at the Mission.  The Mass is held in a little side room to the south of the main church.  It has such atmosphere...and is comfortable, like a warm embrace.  If you get there a little early, everyone says a rosary together.

                              Even the wooden door is somehow inviting, in this tucked away little chapel.  Tonio, eyes closed against the rapidly rising sun, was excited to explore this room of the Mission he had never seen.
                              When Tonio opened his eyes, to his immense delight, a brilliant, green hummingbird was enjoying the vibrant orange flowers on the red bird of paradise just to his right.  "DAD!!!! It's Mama saying 'good morning!'!!!!  We bring Kimmy where ever we go...or is she just following us?

 

These two sure love each other.  Oh, they get on each other nerves, but they are largely inseparable, telling each other that 'love you', at least three times a day, melting my heart each and every time.  It does not get old.

We arrived just in time for Mass - there are only 5 rows of rustic benches.  And my favorite church lady, Mary, was getting ready to begin the Mass...

 

The feeling of peace...and Kim's presence...envelops you in the Diego chapel...we sat next to this golden cherub.

 

                                    Mary of Guadalupe in all of her glory - one of my favorite stories!

 

A statue of Juan Diego beneath an ornate wall hanging.

 

And a beautiful statue of Mary in front of a window alcove.

 

 

 

 

Here is where the Host is kept.

 

And the altar - great stencling around the crucifix.

 

 

We were married here...and had been all over the grounds, bell tower, baptism room (where Cody was baptized), center courtyard, museum, etc, etc, but had never discovered the Juan Diego Chapel...the church continues to hold mysteries.

 

After the Mass, we lit candles for Kim in Mary's chapel...and one for a friend, too.  The little ones are always very solemn while lighting their candles for their Mama...thoughtful, as to where to place their candles and what to pray today, searching for memories that they can give thanks for....

      Then, they crane their little heads, towards the east facing window, placed high on the wall.  For on the windowsill, a dove has built her nest...'It's Mama, watching over us...she loved the doves.'  Yes, we always keep her close...in the sunrises, the morning hummingbirds, the clouds...

                   Cody, Brendon, Breanna, Autumn and Tonio marvel at the Kimmy-like clouds on a beautiful evening at the ball park...
             
                   ...And in the butterflies and lizards...and the sunsets...she's with us in all we do...

 

 

Just love this memory...and photo...Autumn, Breanna and Tonio enjoy a Padres game from the outfield grass area...taking a break from the jumping castles that they have...creating new, 'greatest times' together...

 

 

 

 

 

                               

Parting

        Suddenly, the bambini have discovered the Jason Bourne trilogy.  I believe, they saw the trailer for the fourth in the series, The Bourne Legacy, while we were seeing a movie at the theaters.  They had questions.  "Who is Jason Bourne?" Autumn.  "Is he a HERO?" A wide eyed Antonio.  "We own the first three on DVD."  Cody.   Long pause, while the reality of this sinks in....and then, simultaneously: "CAN WE WATCH THEM????".  Kim loved this series.  She bought each of the movies for me as soon as they came out.

                  And so, about a week ago, we did.  We watched the first in the series "The Bourne Identity".  The kids immediately liked Matt Damon's character, Jason Bourne.  The felt sorry for him, as he begins his journey with amnesia.  The cheered for him, as he escaped the bad guys, the agency that once employed him, but want him dead.  And they were excited for him when he met Marie...

                 Over the next few days, there were many questions regarding the movie.  "Do you think, Jason Bourne could do _________??"  Fill in the blank with some amazing, daring feat of bravery.  And, "When can we watch the next one??".  We ended up watching it the other night, but, about half way through, tired from a long day at school, the little ones succumbed to dreamland.  I stayed awake and watched the whole movie.  One scene caught in my mind...
                 Tonight, we thought we'd get an earlier start and try again.  The Bourne Supremacy.

                    Most of the time, sequels do not live up to the hype.  Even though the first is awesome, it seems that the story goes stale.  Or maybe the movie guys tried to fit in too many special effects.  Whatever the case may be, part two's, usually are not to good.
                    The Bourne Supremacy is.  The bambini wanted to skip the beginning...they had seen it before.  "It's too sad."  Autumn begins.  "They kill Marie."  Tonio finishes.  That's it.  That's what is stuck in my head...something I've not been able to blog about, but, goes around and around in my head throughout my day...and my nights....like some cosmic whirlpool...
                    Of course, the horror of it all is hard not to think about.  I am reminded constantly...around the house, finding medical docs and diagnosis' (stumbled across one yesterday, somehow had found it's way into my Puma stash...from November 11, 2010 - reaching across the span of that time, to, once again, rip my heart out - only reading it now, it's all clear...unmistakable.  Back then, a million years ago, I was optimistic.  Idealistic.  Full of faith...).  It's a time that I want to write about, but, feel uncomfortable about airing out those scary times, the sheer insanity of what we faced...and what happened.  I can feel it jammed up inside of me, wanting to share it, release it...Up late, reliving it all...
                     Then, there was this scene in the Bourne Supremacy, that fully and with stunning clarity, brought my goodbye back in a violent rush - like taking me instantly from the comfort of my sports room, that Kimmy lovingly adorned with all of my memorabilia and BOOM!  I'm back, by her side...for the last time.

 (I tried to get these links to pop up with the photo from YouTube, but was unsuccessful!  I have two links to same clip, wasn't sure which would work better.)
              
                                                     
http://youtu.be/DrIsPRZL578?t=1m


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrIsPRZL578&feature=player_embedded#t=56s

       For those 55 days, it seemed we were underwater.  The weight, the way we moved, talked, comprehended (?).  Maybe it was just me.  That is how it felt like.  And, like Matt Damon, I could not save my love. ("Is he a HERO??" echoing in my brain).

          These days, I've got my arms mostly around what happened.  Although, I still side slip from time to time, as watching this movie triggered it...
           ....and I'll pacify the memories, siting out back, after the bambini are long in their beds.  Tonight, in a chilly, but light, rain...the smell of the creosote drifting on the breeze, Bella chasing toads...watching the clouds drift by...the olive tree sway, Autumn's tin owl swinging from it's branches and her Talavera painted donkey huddled beneath...

        

PS I know I still have some more stories for you...they are just so stuck within me, by events that occured in the days following Kimmy's passing...sometimes, I feel them shifting and think they might come out...recently, I've turned to author Max Lucado for some help rectifying the situation...and hope to share more soon!

Spring Loaded Trap Doors

'See these eyes so green
I can stare for a thousand years'  David Bowie
  
    On certain days, Kim's eyes were green.  She swore they changed.  I told her she did not have to swear.  They did.  Sometimes blue, like the Carolina surf...sometimes gray, like the rainy monsoon day that she loved...and sometimes, green....

     I hadn't thought of the Bowie tune 'Cat People' in years.  It's a great song.  We were such Bowie fans.  Autumn made me remember...inadvertently...
     These days, Autumn is a 7th grader.  In middle school.  How this happened, I have no recollection, but she loves it so far having just completed her 2nd week.  She has a great round of teachers (no surprise, as we've yet to have a 'bad' teacher!) and is particularly fond of Mr. Wauer, her science teacher.  Each day, when we get home, she regals me with stories from Mr. Wauer's classroom. 
      Mr Wauer is truly passionate about what he does.  He is a teaching enthusiast who believes in engaging his students to help them learn and retain their lessons.  Cody had him three years ago and still remembers what he learned with him.  Mr. Wauer is very entertaining, too, using jokes and visual aides (like gila monsters and rattle snakes) as visual aids.  I remember, when Cody had him, he came in with a hand puffed up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon.  He had been bitten by a black widow spider.  I guess you could say he is Desert Sky's version of the Crocodile Hunter!
      There Autumn was, relating how Mr. Wauer had just told them, this very day, that he used to be a fire fighter!  He told his engrossed students that in a big fire, how important it was to have a fire blanket and how to use it.  He related stories of how he put fires out! 
       I, off handily, told Autumn "You should tell him that you put out fires with gasoline."  And then; "Hey!  That's a great David Bowie line 'I'm putting out fires with gasoline'!" 
       When we got home, we downloaded the song and sure enough, Autumn loved it!  It is just as great a song as I remember it - standing up to the test of time - but what came with it was a flood of memories...

      ...I've come to find, that the mind is full of memories, that can jump up, unbidden, at any time.  It's as if there are trap doors, spring loaded, that are triggered by seemingly the most far fetched reference.  I used to try to keep an eye open for the triggers, hoping to avoid the onslaught and surprised caused by a spring loaded trap door erupting at light speed, quickly, yet loosely, followed by a raft of stunningly clear memories...but now - I just ride it, letting it take me wherever they need to go.  Making sense of it no longer seems to make that much difference.

         Most of the memories are amazing - so why try to figure them out?  And, as far as concerts go, the times Kim and I got to see David Bowie, were always incredible!  We grew up with Bowie, didn't we?  Or did he grow up with us?  He was big in the '70's, when we were listening to Top 40 radio (WKAP and WAEB) thrilling us with Aladinsane album and his band, the Spiders from Mars.  We loved Ziggy Stardust.  We watched him evolve, as we did, moving to soul, adding in a little jazz, dance music - all the while the consumate showman.  We found something to love with each and every stage of Bowie's career.

         First one we saw together?  The one that hooked us?  The 'Serious Moonlight Tour' at the Spectrum Arena in Philadelphia, 1984.  We loved the Spectrum, home of the Philadelphia Flyers!  We'd often park and catch the train, which would drop you right across the street from the Spectrum, to be welcomed by the hot pretzel vendors and t-shirt hawkers.  It is an indoor venue and only held about 18,000, so it was a fairly intimate place to see a show.  This show blew us away and we knew that we wanted to see Bowie again.  We just didn't know how soon it would actually be!

        
          "Let's Dance" and "China Girl" were two of our favorites from this album.  The light show was fabulous and Bowie is 'such a performer' Kim would say!!  He played in July and moved on to do shows across America.  I was attending Shippensburg University at the time and, imagine my surprise, when a friend told me that Bowie was coming to Hershey Park Stadium in Hershey, PA in August!?!  Yes, right next door to the chocolate factory.
            Hershey Arena was a large, oval shaped outdoor stadium that holds around 30,000 people.  It was a great place to see a show...I got a ride from school to pick Kim up, two hours east and we headed to the show.  We bought some great, bootleg t-shirts in the parking lot that night.  It was even better than the Philly show we had seen!

             We had to wait a couple of years to see Bowie again...1988 - the Glass Spider Tour.  Bowie was tired of playing all of the songs that had rocketed him to stardom.  This tour, he played mainly songs from his latest album, 'Never Let Me Down'...he did not let Kim and I down.  The stage presentation was phenomenal, with a gigantic glass spider dominating the stage.  Every inch of it lit up like a rainbow.  To start the show, Bowie came out of the spider's head and was lowered to the stage!  We saw this show at Veterans Stadium in Philly, where the Eagles had played.  We got there early, stopped to eat on South Street, then headed to the Vet. 

             We had brought a bottle of wine with us, drinking from the bottle as we made our way towards the entrance.  A policeman on horseback was coming up alongside of us on the street, making Kim very nervous.  I assured her not to worry, that they were only looking for rowdies who could not hold there liquor.  Just to show her, I said 'hello' to the officer, with the bottle in my hand, as he trotted by us.  He returned my greeting and then increased his speed as he bore down on some delinquents who could not hold their liquor as well as Kim and I! The announced crowd was over 80,000 and the lights and stage show captivated us!  One of my all time favorite concerts that I have ever seen.  Duran Duran opened the show for Bowie that night!

            Kim had taken a lot of pictures at this show for a project she was working on for a photography class she was taking at Lehigh University...I wish I still had some of them left...

           Around this time, Bowie began experimenting with a group sound.  The name of his band was Tin Machine.  We got to catch their tour in 1989...it was good to see Bowie perform, but Tin Machine was ill fated as a band.  They only put out two albums before Bowie decided it was best to return to his solo efforts.

           We were there to see his next tour, Sound + Vision, in 1990 at the Spectrum in Philadelphia!  Bowie stayed away from the laser show and pyrotechnics, choosing to dazzle his audience with theatrics and muted lighting.  It was a fantastic show!

              He had a large screen behind him, projecting various images of himself charting the course of his career.  He played ALL of his best hits, saying he planned to retire them after this tour.  During the show, he paused while singing "Young Americans", one of our favorites, to speak out against Tipper Gore and music censorship - something I had written a paper on for Communications Law class back in 1987!!  GREAT SHOW!!  We lingered in Philly, afterwards, staying at a hotel overlooking the Delaware river and hitting Smokin' Joe's after the show!

                And, the last time we saw Bowie...1995 at Desert Sky Pavillion in Phoenix, Lord knows what it's become now.  It was for the "Outside" tour, which was not a particularly strong album, but we enjoyed it.  Nine Inch Nails opened the show and actually performed several songs with Bowie. I don't think we thought, at the time, that this would be our final time getting to see Bowie together...

               We stayed at a Quality Inn up there off of Elliot Ave, hitting Aunt Chilada's for dinner beforehand...



               The theatrics.  The music.  The passion.  We loved Bowie.  It's hard to say what our favorite song was - there were so many - ditto album.  We appreciated the musician and actor that Bowie was - he always gave us our money's worth!  Loved him in the movie Labyrinth, which the Bambini still enjoy watching!!

                                                      
                              


'Just be still with me
You wouldn't believe what I've been through...'