Four Months...

   Where exactly, did four months go?   It is so hard to believe, that, four months ago, Kimmy left us, chosen to become an angel - and we never asked why...how could we?  I mean, can you think of a more perfect candidate to become one of the Lord's angels??? 
    And when I am driving, I try not to make too much of the perfect sunset...and I try not to read too much into clouds that look like hearts, or angels...and I don't try to find meaning in every twinkling star...but, seriously, I see Kim in all of the surrounding beauty - and there are times, where things look just a little too focused and incredible - do you know what I mean?
     When the mountains look so crisp, the shadows resting just right, and the sun hitting them at a particular angle - I think of Kimmy.  Today, when we left for school, I showed Cody what I meant.  The Catalina's were shrouded in shadow.  Light clouds hovered above them.  The only light, in our immediate view, lit up Sabino Canyon.  Framed it!  Perfectly.  One of Kimmy's perfect spots, as if to say..."Look here boys!"...and we did.
      And sometimes, when I am driving, I fall back into that whole slo-mo feel...the landscape slowing down, appearing to move backward - the beauty breathtaking - and I remember, our last trip, heading north on Camino Seco, just north of Broadway - Kim began exclaiming 'everything looks so different!'  tears streaming down her face...'so...beautiful!'...as if she were glimpsing Tucson bathed in Heaven's glow...sometimes, I feel that she is showing that to me...
     So, again, I don't think every little piece of beauty is some sort of sign, but, Kim focused my perceptions, without a doubt.  It's a new appreciation of our desert beauty - the mountains, the sunsets, the rare clouds (although, again, I can't remember there ever being this many days, with such beautiful, wispy clouds!!)...I see it all with new eyes...Kimmy's eyes...
     Yet, I still don't feel her presence, as much as I see her in the beauty around me.  And I pray for that feeling that she is here.  Our house does not seem as cold as it did, but, as you can imagine, without Kimmy, it is no doubt darker - the shadows, well, just deeper.
      But, every now and again, I have a pretty lucid dream of Kimmy - I know I've told some of you of my early ones - but I had one last night, where, we were driving north through Arizona, passing through Phoenix - the landscape a gorgeous, surreal and colorful landscape...prompting me to think 'where have I seen this?'...and there it was...

            It was as if the world had become one, gigantic, Neil Myers painting!  You might recall, Neil worked with me at Barnes & Noble, to earn money to pay for art supplies.  And then, he hit it big - with galleries in prestigious places like Scottsdale, N. Tucson, etc.  He was the one who presented Kimmy with the ultimate boquet of flowers - one that would never wilt, or die...

          It put a smile on Kimmy's face, a mile wide!  Kimmy always loved Neil's work.  She made sure we could go see his exhibits at the gallery up near La Encantata whenever he had an opening.  Kim felt Neil had a fantastic use of color - especially his blues.  She always wanted me to have him paint us a picture of San Xavier for one of our wedding anniversaries...
          And there we were, driving through Neil's landscapes, in my dream, just talking and laughing and enjoying each other's company.

          It was so much fun...then, our car slowed to a stop - at an unknown destination.  I felt a sadness, but Kimmy's eyes radiated and her smile was so contagious...she leaned forward and kissed me...and I woke up...in my room, bleary eyed, exhausted, my hair a full out bed hair.  I shambled to get out some socks...and as I struggled to make a match, I found Kim's halo...it was warm, pulsing and it glowed a soft light.  I knew immediately what it was - my angel had come to visit me...
          And then I woke up for real, having dreamed a dream within a dream...the sun was just coming up and through the blinds, I could see peach colored clouds hovering in the sky...
         
          I can't believe four months have passed, four months of doing all we can to keep it together - tonight, the bambini were so tired after their day (school, homework, Cody's track meet - he came in 3rd in the 100 M despite a sore ankle, swim lessons, grocery shopping at Albertson's (our cashier, Michael, worked with me at Toys R Us 15 years ago - soliciting comments from Autumn 'Dad, we can't go anywhere without you knowing someone!') and then, around 8, dinner)  When I went to see who wanted to go outside to say goodnight to Mama, I found them all to be alseep...looking like angels themselves...so I went outside, by myself, with a Modelo ($9.99 at Alberstons!  Friends don't let freinds overspend for beer!) and looked at the night sky - my upsidedown Big Dipper...and toasted to Kimmy - for all that she did for us and continues to do.

            There aren't too many days where someone comes up to me and lets me know that Kimmy changed their lives.  Or that they are doing things differently because of Kim.  Or that she inspired them to try harder, do better, look at things in a new light...etc.  That always makes my day.  Because that was who Kim was.  Taking me from one place and bringing me all the way to this one...making me want to do better - because of her and for her.

         That's why I started the Kimmy Foundation through Carondelet.  Because she loved to help people.  The Foundation is modestly increasing, to where they feel, after Janene's event; 'Kimberly's Kut-a-thon', they will be able to purchase some much needed equipment for the 5th floor, where Kim was their angel...inspiring them...and others - Neil Myers, recently told me that, he was going to paint a replica of one of my ancestor's, Sebastiano Conca, paintings and auction it off to the highest bidder, with the proceeds going to Kimmy's foundation.  I continue to work on ideas to supply this fund to help families like mine, going through the horrors of what we experienced...

And the folks at Barnes & Noble continue to inspire me.  Jaimelyn running the store, flawlessly.  Mary, bringing in a flow of business and building future relationships.  Jaime, stepping up when I needed her most.  Devon, coming back to our B&N family and anchoring the back.  Richard, stoically holding down the upstairs and beyond.  Jon, champion a Cafe that is in the top 10 in the nation.  I could go on and on.  Today, I was shelving books with Bianca, who told me it is so nice to have me back.  She was so complimentary of the team we have and the work they've done while I was gone. I told her it was good to be back and told her some good Kim stories...she continues to keep us all going...and we just continue to out run the darkness, heading toward the light.

Love,

 Dave