Halloween 2012 +

                  All of those Halloweens that Kim made special, came roaring back as Cody brought the decorations down from the ceiling in the garage...Her Mrs. Pots (from Beauty and the Beast) costumer...and all of those that she had made for the bambini over the years...the ghosts she collected, adding a new one each Halloween. 
                 With those costumes and decoration, I realized, also came expectations.  From the bambini.  Unspoken, to be sure, yet, none the less, there.  Halloween had been one of my favorite holidays - I knew I could put something decent together.  For the kids.

                  Autumn, Tonio, Lexy and Breanna set up all of the inside decorations for me...and Tonio helped me set up all of the pumpkins outside.  We have a lot of pumpkins.  In fact, we got a great review from the Bunckins, Ami and Brian Bunch's triplets, who came over for pasta one night along with their cousin Brinley and Mary and Emilio...

 

Mary, Emilio, Ami and Tonio...after much pasta! Another of my favorite Adidas shirts...

 

Colton, Hunter, Ethan, Brinley and Autumn...having played trains, kitchen, doll house, entertained Bella, etc, etc, retire to the couch.

 

On their way out, Ami told me that the triplets hollered 'Bye scary pumpkins!'  and "Bye lotta pumpkins!"

 

Doing my best to muster my 'inner-Kim', we had our annual pumpkin carving night.

 

 

Kim always had the bambini sketch out their ideas first...

 

Autumn borrows one of Mama's tricks - using a melon baller to make the mouth and eyes.

 

Cody has Kim's instinctive ability to find the face in the pumpkin and bring it out.

 

My favorite part - scooping out the pumpkin guts!

 

Autumn decides to try the raw pumpkin...an likes it!

 

And, her 'sister', Bella does too!  (as I was posting this, Autumn says 'Are you putting the photo of me eating the pumpkin guts on the blog?'  Yes, I tell her, and the one of her 'sister'.  "We look so much alike" she giggled."

 

 

It's hard to see, but Cody made his pumpkin look like Jack Skellington.

 

Autumn prepares the seeds.  A long standing tradition that Kim started, is to brush the seeds with olive oil, sprinkle with coarse kosher salt and bake them!  When they were done, we watched Ocean's 11 - not exactly a Halloween movie, but a cool one, none the less, as I continue to show the movies Kim and I loved to the bambini.  And, ironically, the main character, Danny Ocean (played by George Clooney), outwits the bad guys, despite impossible odds, ends up with a lot of money, and, of course, rides off into the sunset with the girl...dammit.

 

 

Here's Aut's with the melon ball effect.  When you light a candle inside of the pumpkin, the areas carved by melon baller glow.  Pretty cool.

 

Bambini pumpkins.

 

 

The night of Halloween, Cody got an early jump on transforming the front of our house into the entrance to hell.  He used a ladder, black Hefty bags, white Hefty bags, strobe lights and...this year's new investment...a fog machine!

 

                                       Tonio is Batman, Aut the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp version, of course) and Cody did dress as a ghoul, once his buddy Alex came over to help him hand out candy and collect the souls of hapless trick or treaters!  He had a lot of fun this Halloween - being able to use duct tape and any household item he desired, helped Cody have a memorable Halloween.  He enjoyed trying to scare everyone and building a spooky environment. 

                                    And the little ones made their rounds throughout Rita Ranch, which they enjoyed, beginning at our neighbor's Rachel and Dave (who give them rides to school in the morning), where we had some dinner before heading out with Lupe, Manny and Monsi. 

                  
                                Rachel and Dave's little girl, Parker, was Pebbles, Rachel dressed as Wilma and Dave had an awesome Fred Flinstone costume that Rachel made him.

 

Monsi is dressed as Marceline, from the cartoon "Adventure Time" one of the kid's favorites!  They had fun going door to door.  Tonio even went through a haunted house by himself!

 

                                Afterwards, Monsi, Tonio and Autumn inspect their loot.  It was cute watching them separate the 'good' candy from the 'bad' candy and then do some trading!  Monsi helped make the little ones Trick or Treat a great one!

                                And some random Halloween photos:

 

Brinley makes the sweetest bee!

 

Ethan, Hunter and Colton - ready to save the world!

             
                                        Kim (Snooki), Andrea (Scarecrow) and Janene (Victoria's Secret Model)

                                   I know that the kids had a Happy Halloween this year - and that was my goal...we all combined to make it a good one.



                               As I searched for Kimmy Halloween photos - I was able to come across some photos of happy times - before it always seemed like October.

 

This was on 7th street in L.A.  We stayed downtown for a business conference I went to.  In this shot, we were waiting to watch the Red Hot Chili Peppers filming a video for MTV from there latest CD 'By the Way'...a great CD.

 

Autumn and her Mama.  Kim, always a Disney fan - I had gotten her the Dumbo cookie jar that you see behind her.

 

And, with Baloo bear at Disneyland!

 

 

Love that face!

 

Antonio.  I loved Kim's hair in this one.

 

Cody sporting the Donald Duck hat in Toon Town at Disneyland.

 

I will post more later...I've found soooo many.  We always wondered what we'd do with all those boxes, cartons and albums of photos...I'm glad we took so many now, but, there still are not enough of Kim!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lizards

              Lizards have become comfortable with our home.  Out front, there are a lot of geckos.  They recently had babies in our garage.  Kim always thought that they were good luck.  We had quite a few at our old house.  They especially liked the front porch, near the light.  When we moved, Kim actually wanted to try to catch a couple to bring with us!  She was delighted when she saw her first one on our front porch a couple of years after we moved in.
             Out back, there are a variety of lizards.  Tonio is crazy good at catching them.  He may be part lizard, loving them as much as his Mama.  He works his way toward them, blending in, and deftly shoots a hand out to make the catch!  Lightning quick.  The 'lizard whisperer'. 
             Once Tonio catches a lizard, he studies it, gives it a proper name and releases it back in to the 'wild' of our garden...Kim's garden...

                         This was her sanctuary.  Where she loved to be to start her day.  I still am not a morning person, but I've adapted the best I can, getting the kids up at the last possible moment, whipping them up breakfast and flying out the door, late.  As usual.  But Kim liked to get up about a half hour before anyone else and spend her time, with her chai tea, watching the dogs play, watching the hummingbird zip and soar to her flowers, seeing the butterflies dance...and in the winter, the cardinals would come.  I find solace there in the night...the solar lights bring just enough glow and the shining stars and moon above do the rest to make it a magical place.

                          When I water in the mornings, I hear her before I see her.  I shrill chirp, of sorts.  A hummingbird!  Kim loved to watch them dart and dive, hovering effortlessly above a flower while they took in its nectar.  The greens and reds on these delicate birds are beautiful. 

 

The east side of her garden...Autumn's little donkey in the lower, left corner.  The sun, on the back wall, I bought her at the street fair one year.  The olive provides some great shade for the Hearts & Flowers, trailing over the wall.

 

We got the sunflower down in Tubac at Kim's favorite shop, The Country Shop.  This has kind of become Autumn's section of the garden.  In the big blue pot, is a gardenia that she chose at Civano Nursery.  She takes care of making sure it has enough water and trims it.  It's over a year old now and blooms often.  Aut inherited a bit of Kim's green thumb!  The donkey is Autumn's.  A colorful, Talavera print, she bought it in tribute to her Mama - a huge donkey fan.  She asked me many times "if we could save up, to buy a ranch, and get a donkey".  The little pot on the wall ledge has an aqua colored ceramic owl in it.  All Aut.

 

 

 

The hummingbirds love the two plants in the big blue pots.  I watch and wait for the when I'm out, thinking it's Kimmy saying hello.  The Mary statue came from the same shop where we got the St. Francis statue in Kim's nitcho.

 

 

Trying to keep a lot of permanent, year round color in Kim's garden. She would tell me she was running to Civano, or Lowe's to 'get some more color for the back yard'.  The sunflower is from the same shop as Mary and St. Francis.  The little set of lizards, chasing each other in the upper right corner, Kim had put on our wall.  And the bird feeder, on a Shepperd's hook, to attract more birds for her to watch during her peaceful mornings...

 

The bench was Andrea's idea - we painted it bright colors and she suggested putting pots on top.  We bought the pots from Craigslist - the bambini, along with Lexy and Breanna, made the trip to mid-town to pick these up.  The kids chose plants at Civano together.

 

 

 

Jesus, in the shadows of a Mexican sunflower plant.  The blooms are incredible.  And a sunflower bird house on the far wall.

 

Bella loves her yard.

 

Bella will chase lizards with the same intensity as Tonio...but, lacking the stealth, and thumbs, with which to catch a lizard.  Kim always had loved lizards...she had a Mountain Horned lizard (Iggy) and a Dwarf Tagu (Monty), that was vicious, as pets over the years.

 

 The bambini love the garden.  They really work hard, keeping it looking as pretty as possible - helping in everyway. It's nice spending time with them there...talking about our favorite memories or wondering out loud how Mama would like their choice of plants and flowers.

             Along the way, I've taught them how to dig the right sized hole and how to make sure their plant had a drip irrigation line to it (not to mention, being careful not to pierce the irrigation with their shovel when digging a hole, something I've done many times.  Although, they sure get a kick out of the geyser that erupts from a nicked pipe!).  And, with care, I've shown them how their Mama would rotate the plant, making sure it's best side was facing the way she wanted it - "Hmmmm"  she say "Which side has the best eyes?".

             They especially love trips to Lowe's or Civano to choose new plants and flowers - thinking through what color the flowers will be, how big the plant will grow. Some days, the yard needs just a little trimming here and there, others, we spend several hours.  The time really zooms by in Kim's garden.  We all find peace there.

 

And she shaped our yard into a haven for lizards, butterflies, hummingbirds, and cardinals.  Tonio was helping me weed, trim and add 'some color' on Sunday, when we heard the loud chirp of a cardinal.  Tonio froze, looked at me and pointed above his head "DAD!  A mama cardinal!" he whispered.  "It's Mama saying hello!"...

 

 

5 A.M.

           When the alarm went off, at 5 A.M., I felt as though someone had spent the night beating me with a baseball bat.  And a rhinoceros had camped out in my mouth.  I also felt a certain sense of relief, that I had indeed remembered to set my alarm before falling off into a dreamless oblivion.
            Out the door by 5:30, with the little bambini trailing me - getting me my big Phillies cup full of ice water (which helped the 3 ibuprofen go down nicely), carrying my lunch bag (complete with decorated napkin, courtesy of Autumn) and blowing kisses, waving goodbye and wishing me a great day...a heroes send off!

 

Tony Bennett was at my store, to my delight and surprise.  He is much shorter in person than I imagined he'd be.  The venti cappuccino did wonders.

 

Meanwhile, the bambini enjoyed their riding to school with our neighbor Rachel and her daughter Parker.  Tonio had a rough start, forgetting his 'dog tag' for 'spirit week' at school.  Rachel dropped the kids off, raced back to our house and looked for it to take it back to him!

Lupe picked the kids up from school, and after getting their homework done - Lupe was excited - she had successfully helped Tonio understand long division!! A huge win!!   With homework out of the way, a Minecraft marathon broke out!  I raced from work back to Cottonwood for a Site Based Council meeting (Rock Star in one hand, my large, Phillies cup filled with ice water in the other - beginning to feel human again).  And then, off to Lupe and Manny's for my Tuesday night 'therapy session' in which we discussed parallel us' - do other us' exist, simultaneously, but in different times (Stephen Hawking's theory)?  Manny insisted that time is not linear, but can be bent - therefore, it cannot be two dimensional, so the possibility of another me, in another place and time is reasonable to believe...does that mean that there is another Kim out there somewhere?  I asked if he thought I could get to her.  We also tried to dissect and make sense out of my drinking with a dead guy last night, chalking it up to Kimmy making sure I believe...It's always nice to get that affirmation.

And Manny broke out the Bohemia and Tecate brought back from Mexico.  Their beer has no additives or preservatives, so it tastes so much fresher than our beer.  It also has a little more alcohol in it!  Muy bien!  It was a productive night.  Lupe made the most amazing chicken mole' and rice!!

 

 

                            Here's some more photos I ran across as I continue to find small treasures in our house...

 

Tonio's Baptism at St. Frances.

 

Kim and Cody, fresh off California Adventure's raft ride, slightly wet!

 

This one, was taken at our dinner table at our old home - love this shot.

 

                                             Downtown at the St. Patrick's Day parade 2005.

 

Tonio and Kimmy sharing a dance - I believe this was at Kim and Roshan's wedding.

 

Fully pregnant with Tonio - and so vibrant - in front of our old home.

 

Tonio joins our family.  Another blessing!!

 

                                       As I left the meeting at Cottonwood tonight, Autumn texted me 'Look at the sky!"  I texted her back "It's Mama telling you she loves you"...Autumn texted back a moment later ": )"...Lupe said they all stood in her back yard in awe...

                                     Thank you Kimmy....

 

 

 

 

Dead Guy

                  I may be a bit of a train wreck.  And, I definitely feel like that guy in Apocalypse Now, who leaves the boat, while tripping on LSD, only to encounter a wild tiger.  He makes it back to the boat,after triggering a firestorm, screaming 'I'll never leave the boat alone, I'll never leave the boat alone!!".

                   Well, I should never go out alone.

                    And I know this.  Yet, day after day of just bambini...sometimes, I just yearn for more....at least a balance.  When I feel this way, I always reach out - but it usually is so spontaneous, that it just ends up me.

                     Today, while collecting silent auction prizes for Andrea (we help each other solicit prizes for our bambini's schools) I went to the World Sport Grille.  A Sega venture.  The management turn over there has been staggering.  They've had 11 managers in the last 3 years.  This would be the third time I was stopping by to see if I could get a gift card donated for the silent auction.
                     As usual, the bartender ran interference.  I told him "I'm Dave from next door at Barnes & Noble.  They told me to come back to see the manager Monday before it got busy."  Bartender, sporting a Chicago Bears jersey, looks around conspiratorially, and concurs "Well, it ain't busy.".  I told him I was rooting for the Bears tonight, as I have Matt Forte, their running back, on my fantasy football team.
                    This seemed to motivate him and he disappeared.
                     A young lady came out, hand outstretched and said "Hi, I'm Naomi, director of marketing."  I said, "What's your last name?".  She told me "Green". 
                      "I sold you a house 7 years ago."
                      To which she retorts "I thought I recognized you...the gray hair threw me off.".  Nice.
                     So, I told her what happened to Kim, and, of course, blamed the gray all on her.  It's not like she can refute it.  Naomi had met Kim and the kids during the home buying process  Naomi, generously, gave me a gift card and game card for the silent auction.
                     When I got my Realtor's license, over 8 years ago, Kim was a huge part of the decision.  She told me "I will be your secretary".  She was more than that.  She would map out the homes we were going to see (we had no GPS back then), she would come with me on signing appointments, with the bambini.  She sent congratulations cards and Christmas cards.  She was the heart behind the operations.  Naomi remembered her instantly.

                     Later, I thought back on that time.  Showing the Green's homes.  And who had referred them to me?  One of the cooks at Viro's, Mark. 
                      I hadn't thought of Mark in many years.  Last I saw him, he had just gone through a violent separation with his wife.  And he left my children wide eyed with a recount of how he had slaughtered a goat for Easter.  And he wore sweat pants.  Like in the Soprano's.
                      The last time I had run into Mark, was at Chuy's.  He recounted the sloppy separation from his wife...who chase him, out the kitchen window, with a butcher knife....So glad to hear they were reunited...

                     Side bar: The little bambini have been traumatized over the last few days.  Their ride, the Hopkins, our neighbors, are moving...and the bank moved up the date they needed to be out of their house.  "Who will take us to school?" they worried.
                     "Do not worry" I told them.  "It will all work out."
                      Turns out, our other neighbors, Rachel and Dave, have a daughter who is going to Cottonwood, in kindergarten with Ami Bunch, Cody's kindergarten teacher.  They heard about the Hopkins moving and said they could help.  So, we went over there tonight to cement the deal (Dave's in construction, thus he pun)  The bambini, so satisfied they were settled for rides to school (Rachel asked Antonio; "So, Tonio, do you think it will be alright if we take you to school?"  and sweet Tonio nodded his head and smiled "Yes, that would be good".

                      By now, I had worked 9 hours, the kids had been in school all day, it was after 6 and everyone was hungry.  I had nothing.  I began to text people to see if anyone wanted to grab something to eat...
                      ...and he idea floated into my head...Chuy's.  Monday Night Football.

                       I ended up there with Aut and Tonio.  I told Aut "You let me know if you recognize anyone that walks in."  "Why?" She asked, wide eyed.  "I don't like to be surprised."  I answered. 
                        Not only surprised, I just don't like going out alone anymore.  The first six months, hell, more like the first year, I didn't even wear contacts out, because I did not want to run into anyone I knew.  So hard to talk. Especially without losing it.

                        Yet, imagine my surprise, when I felt a huge, beefy hand, land upon my left shoulder and whisper in a rasp "Dave.  How you been?"...
                          What I felt were goosebumps.  As if I had just crossed over and was cold...
                         "Mark?  F**K, I was just thinking of you".  Which was not a lie.  When I met Naomi, Mark was who came to mind.
                         Without prompting.  And certainly without me asking, Mark pulled down his collar to reveal a massive, gnarly scar down the center of his chest.
                           "WTF?" was all I could manage.

                             "Dave.  I died.  Three times.  Two years ago."  Again.  F**K.  Kim began her ascent two years ago.  "Wha happened?"  I asked as I sloshed the remainder of my beer down and asked for a dozen more.  This was not going to be pretty.

                             Turns out, the cholesterol meds Mark was on (same as I'm on) caused a massive heart attack.
                             The very first thing out of my mouth, desperately; "MARK!  What do you remember.  Bout dyin???"

                           "nothing.'

                             "BULLSHIT.  Really?"

                            Now, I told him about my 'separation' from Kim.  And what had happened.  Not in great detail, as I have not told that story to anyone, but just the basics.  He was stunned.  Silence, with Mark, is a small miracle.

                           My story opened him up.  "OK, Dave.  You OK for this?"
                           
                           "It's all I live for Mark."

                           "Last October, we were s'posed to go to a picnic.  I wasn't feelin great, so I tells the wife 'just go wi'out me.'"  He started.  "The next thing I remember, is people all around me, I asked "What's happening?  Where are you takin me?  They told me 'Kino Hospital'.  Isnt' that for crazy people?" He asked with growing alarm.  "No, they were bought by University Medical Center."
                          Ironically, Mark, crazier than a Soprano, was right.  Kino had been converted to a psychiatric facility several years ago.  Poetic. 
                          When he woke, he saw his wife and asked "I thought you were in Cali?".  They asked what day he thought it was and he told them Saturday.  It was actually Wednesday and Mark had lost some time.  Dead.
                           "Dave"  He told me, with a blurry stare, "I was fishing.  With a friend of mine who had died over five years ago.  It was a beautiful day.  I've never seen the lake look so beautiful.  I mentioned it to my friend, who told me 'I can't take you home with me today Mark'.  That's ok, I have to get home anyway." Mark told his buddy.

                          "Dave."  Once again, Mark leading off, emphatically, gripping me with his gaze, "I can tell you, invariably, there IS an afterlife."

                            I was brought to my knees.  Noticed the little bambini.  Sitting rapt.  So still.  How wide can their eyes possibly get????  I quickly pulled dollars from my wallet.  "Kids"  I invited.  "Get yourself some quarters.  Have some fun!".  I implored.  They fled, relieved?
                            Mark left me, and the bambini poured in.  "You OK Dad?  Want to play Ms. Pacman?"  They invited.  "Been waiting all night."  I told them using mounds of paper towels to dry my face.

                         I did my best to explain the events of my entire day to them.  One late text I got asked if I was kidless during this encounter.  I'm never kidless, I explained...just had to incorporate them into the fold.  I told them, that they do need to believe...that their Mama is in Heaven.  And Mark just confirmed this, by his own experiences.  I must have known this was coming, having texted nearly everyone I could think of, and everyone had plans.  Which was appropriate - leaving me with Mother Teresa's "Be the one."  statement.
                     "I grieved and I looked for someone to grieve with, but I found none.  I needed to be the one."

                      "Let's play some more Ms. Pacman Dad" Autumn invited...

                         I tried to take a photo of the intermission, "They meet!", but it was too quick...

And, as we left, there was a horse in the parking lot.  The bambini thought this was a great sign!  "A horse!  A horse!" They yelled.

Yeah. It wasn't exactly ridden to Chuy's.  None the less, it seemed prophetic...

The stars were immaculate on our walk home...

"Where's the Big Dipper?" Tonio asked.  Gone for the winter, I told him.  We'll miss it...

  Reflectively,  perhaps I've been searching.  For meaning.  This was my confirmation.

 When we returned home, walking the couple blocks from Chuy's and admiring the stars along the way, I took Cody his dinner.  He asked that we bring him back some shrimp tacos.  He had a lot of homework to do.  I told him the story I just told you.  I did my best to do it without emotion, but, at the end, it caught up to me.  Welling up like a wave approaching the shore.  Cody was moved.  Asking questions "Really Dad? What else did he say?".

There are a lot of days, where I do not have adult interaction.  Or 'me' time ie cards, casinos, concerts, 'date nights', movies, fitness clubs, etc.  The bambini are in tune with this.  I'm telling you, at the end of each and every day, they individually ask me "how was your day, Dad?".  I'll let them know and ask how their day went, too.  I guess that I'm always amazed at how intuitive that they are...

Sometimes I do just want to slip away and be alone...but, the kids keep me grounded...Another cook, at Viro's, Dave - when Kimmy left, he sat down with me and expressed his sincered condolences.  I thanked him, touched.  Then, he told me what I did not know.  Three years prior to Kim's passing, Dave lost his wife to cancer too...in three days.  That just put things into perspective for me.

He thought it best that I had been blessed with children.  Since he jumped off the deep end when his wife passed, before they even had the chance to have children. He told me how he put himself into a drunken stupor.  For two years before he woke up.

When I hear stories like that.  Or when people I knew died.  And came back.  And told me what they saw.  I feel blessed.  Remembering it can always be worse...

Not too long ago..."Dad?  Did you have a good day?"....(Autumn)

"Yes"  I told her..."Thanks to you guys.".

The grin I receive is beyond priceless....considerng, this is the farthest off course I've been in a long time.  I've always wondered, if I'd had a chance to really let go - would it be easier now?  Dave, from Viro's 'let go', but for 2 straight years.  I just'd like to scream into the night sky.  And, maybe have a  couple...few...several...beers.

I still believe.

                          

Whirlwind

                        And so the years went by, with an unprecedented, yet unnoticed speed.  Time truly was our enemy.  Somewhere, deep inside, I already knew this, yet thought I could beat it.  Maybe that was why we moved around a bit.  Traveled a lot. Just the beach trips alone were worth a lifetime. And although we kept moving, appreciating the moment was what we did best.

]

 

This was at the old Peter Piper Pizza on Broadway and Kolb (now a Concentra Urgent Care.  If you've ever eaten at Peter Piper, you will appreciate the poetic irony of this).  Our Southwest family and Toys R Us friends through Kim a baby shower when she was pregnant with Tonio.  The Paolo Maldini jersey one of many that Kim was able to locate and surprise (and delight) me with!

 

At Disneyland on the rockets with Autumn.  "Happiest place on Earth".  Man, we had so many good times there.  I feel guilty that Tonio has only been there one time - need to get him back out there!

 

The Best Mom Ever kissing her little bambino.

 

 

Kimmy at the Desert Museum.  The first place we became members when we moved here in '94.  We never tired of this place.  I think because we'd take a different route each visit, take our time walking the miles of trails and we loved to get an ice tea and just sit on the porch there taking in the desert beauty together.  Together...

 

This was at La Jolla beach.  Tonio's first time to the shore.  He loved the great big sandbox!

 

Another Disney moment!

 

Autumn in her bedroom at our old home.  Kim painted this room with loving care, in desert colors complete with geckos frolicking around the room.  She eventually repainted with clouds and decorated in a more princess theme for Autumn.

 

We really did get to do so much together.  And now, I keep the bambini moving, too!  Saturday, I was telling someone, I had to work and took Autumn and Tonio along, leaving the house at 5:30 a.m....we did not get home until after 11:30 p.m.. Some days, I just do not want to be home.  Right now, I sense their malaise and try to keep things fun and make those moments for them that will become memories.  My hope is that years from now, they will say "Hey Dad, remember that time we......"  Fill in the blank.  Now that I am painfully aware of the devastating speed of time - and fully understand that I cannot dodge it, duck it, manipulate it or slow it down - I do my best to fill the bambini's days from dawn to late night.  The little ones hitting their beds by 10...Cody and I still stretching time, just a little later...