Sleep?

              We didn't go to sleep yesterday...none of us did.  Tonio came to me around 12:30 and asked if it was ok to go say goodnight to Mama...I said sure, where was Aut?  Cody and I were still watching movies, Bella curled up between us...Aut came out of the bedroom...'what were you up to honey?'  I asked, 'Playing on line with Lexy, but she went to sleep about 1/2 hour ago...'
              We went outside, and the orientation of the Big Dipper was so vastly different at this hour than most of the nights when we step out to say goodnight.  It was turned nearly right side up and appeared somehow bigger than usual tonight...and more beautiful.

              Cody and I watched a sad one tonight...I apologized as it finished, at 1 a.m. "at least we stayed up late together..." I told him.  "yeh", he smiled and staggered off down the hallway.  I tucked the little ones into to bed "Dad, Autumn says it's tomorrow already, is that true?"..."yep, it is Tonio"..."Good" he said as he burrowed his way into the covers in my room, Autumn curled up at the foot of the bed "Told you Tonio!".
              Some days, we don't want the day to end - as if we are waiting for something else, searching for something...I can't quite put my finger on...
            The movie Cody and I watched, was one called 'Hereafter', starring Matt Damon.  Directed by Clint Eastwood.  A great combination, right?  I thought so when I Redboxed it.  Normally, when I rent a dissappointing movie, I usually reason, "hey, it was only a buck" - I love Redbox.  In fact, if it is not very good, I have no problems turning it off and not watching it, for that price!  But, despite the movie being slow...and sad...a reminder...Cody and I were glued.  Neither of us could speak.  Neither of us could move.  Again, it just ended at 1 a.m. and we're wide awake.
             The opening scenes should have tipped me off.  A massive tidal wave wreaking havoc.  A tsunami.  My old nemisis from early childhood right up until 12/13/2010...then gone.  This giant wave rips through a town, sweeping away everything in it's path, including a young lady who had run down to the market while her fiance' waits for her in their hotel room...

            


Three people are touched by death in different ways. George is a blue-collar American who is trying to reject using his psychic ability to connect with those who have died. On the other side of the world, Marie, a French journalist, has a near-death experience that shakes her reality. And when Marcus, a London schoolboy, loses the person closest to him, he desperately needs answers. Each on a path in search of the truth, their lives will intersect, forever changed by what they believe might--or must--exist in the hereafter.

         I don't know why I wanted to see this one so bad...wait a minute, sure I did - the subject of the hereafter, of course, has recently become of interest to me...when I just went to say goodnight to Cody, I apologized again and told him next movie would be another Jason Statham movie...but, and I couldn't help it, I had to ask him - do you ever see Mama in your dreams?  He nodded yes.  I sat on the edge of his bed and asked him how it felt.  'Good'...Cody, a man of so few words.  I told him it had been a long while since I had, but told him about the last one I had a few nights ago, holding back some of the detail...He smiled, gave me a big hug and we told each other how much we loved each other...

          Sometimes things are so quiet, you do begin to wonder, to question...other times, you just know, you have that warm feeling, deep inside...I guess, we sometimes need that affirmation - to make us feel alive...whole...and that we still matter...

'Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side

So tear me open and pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps'

                    -Metallica

Good night, er, morning...

          

January 1st...2004

            A lifetime ago, literally...here's Kimmy's take on that New Year's Day:

            January 1, 2004

             Happy New Year!  Wow!  Where did 2003 go ?!  Ringing it in with our family of 5.  We went to the Hoffman's and watched Bruce Almighty and enjoyed steak Diane (one of Shawn's amazing dishes).  We all felt very old trying to stay awake until midnight!!  May we all be blessed this year.

           January 15, 2004

            Antonio is wobbly - but now sits up!  He can pull himself up from lying down position - wow!  he's so proud of his accomplishments - as are we.
           We just had his 6 month check up - doing great and weighing in at 16 1/2 lbs. of pure honey : ) .

           It's so nice to look back on what Kimmy wrote - I love her hand writing.  And her enthusiasm.  And optimism...something she taught us all, well.    I wish she had started it earlier and kept going with it - but, we found ourselves too busy...and time went so fast.  So I feel blessed to have what I have...

          Spent the night with my southwest family, Mark, Andrea, Janene, Kim, Rashon and all of the kids at the ballpark tonight, watching Janene's son, Brendon play in the Rincon Little League championships...Brendon's team won game 1, but needed to take two to win and lost the second game.  It was a full night of baseball on a beautiful night...and the kids had so much fun running around together...very relaxing...

Quest' la vita e qui il gioire, un' ora di abbrezzo e poi moire -- This is life and this is joy: an hour of embracing and then to die.

               Love,
                        Dave

La Mariposa

      Kimmy always valued good health.  Eating right, no smoking, occaisonal drink and excercise...Having Cody was no problem.  We still walked regularly and did some running - Kim hated running, but I could talk her into it and we had a nice time...running through the desert, where Cottonwood Elementary currently stands, to get to the wash behind it, which has a nice path along it.
      Even after we had Autumn, I bought Kimmy a double jogging stroller and she bounced back amazingly quick - and I picked up whatever the latest home excercise machine was for her too, but I always liked to run...gave me that sense of freedom...
      Kim never liked the whole excercise club thing.  When LA Fitness was opening, I asked if she'd like a membership, but she said no.  She did not really want to excercise around other people and felt that mostly exhibitionists went to places like these.  She felt places like this were more of a 'meat market'. It was too, well, 'glitzy' for Kim.  And I've always been a garage workout kind of person, so I could understand that.
      But, her friend, Rachel, worked at a private club called La Mariposa, on the northeast side of town.  We'd been there before, for friend's weddings, like Kayla, who Kimmy worked with at Ventana Animal Hospital and I knew it was way out of my price range.  Rachel got us a deal, as a friend of an employee, and I was able to get Kimmy in there...she made the most of her membership.
      At the time, I was working for the soul-sucking company, Kohl's, neary a ethical bone in their corporate structure, and I was putting in 70-80 hours per week.  So, I felt obligated to help Kim out with her small request to join La Mariposa.  Rachel had gotten her a great discount and Kim took all of her classes.  When I could, I would take a lunch hour to join her.
      Once, and I mean once, Rachel and Kim talked me into taking Rachel's spin class.  She kicked my *ss!  Every time she said to tighten up the bike's resistance, I would fake it and Rachel would call me out on it.  I was hurting by the end.  On Friday's, La Mariposa hosts a 'Happy Hour' with a food buffett and open swim.  The bambini loved it.
       Today, we tried to do some swimming.  I took the bambini to Viro's for lunch,

   And then to Clements Center...to find the pool is closed on Friday's and Saturday's.  What kind of anarchy is that??  Two busiest days of the summer week and the pool is closed!  Then, I went back towards home to Purple Heart Park...their pool is just plain closed.  Rita Ranch, the red headed stop child (though named afte brunette Rita Hayworth)...did not merit the money to keep the pool open - why can't our city government balance a budget like our Vail School District does?  So, we continued on to the pool next to the Reid Park Zoo...and found a long line, like I used to encounter pre-internet days, for rock concerts...just then, my phone rang...my friend, Mike was calling to see if we'd join him and his wife, Rachel and their kids, Sarah, Ellie, Luke and Gracie at La Mariposa, where Rachel still teaches fitness classes, for Happy Hour...
   We had absolutely nothing else going on this lovely Friday night and off we went!  It had been many years since we were last there.  For me, fond memories of meeting Kimmy there and working out together...weddings, receptions, swimming and happy hours spent together.  The surprise was, Autumn's reaction.  'The catepillar club...I hated that place', she said as we approached.

             "No one watched us.  No one cared.  Tonio got hurt on the teeter toter and I had to help him.  Mom would stick us in there and leave us there until you'd come to save us!"  I'm sure it was not that bad.  Tonio remembers nothing.  Nothing...he's got that skill like his old man.

         None the less, Tonio and Autumn had a great time swimming and eating a lot of great food!!!  We had a great time catching up with the Franzen family.  It's such a beautiful setting...I told Rachel and Mike that I was so glad to be able to have Kim be a member there for a year...and wished I could have had her there longer...she loved to work out there, where she could remain ambiguous and not be bothered.

       It was a good night...we went home and Aut and Tonio watched a Pooh bear movie, while Cody and I chose another Jason Statham movie, "Lock, Stock and Two Smokin' Barrels"...

Jake Green: There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The hip-hip-hoo-f-in rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval"

This one is from "Revolver", starring Jason Statham as Jake Green which Cody and I watched last night...

Anyway, it was nice to revisit one of Kimmy's favorite places...with it's pond, where Great Blue Heron would land at dusk...and the excercise facilities, where she could anonomously work out...and the pool, where we attended happy hours, Cody took swim lessons, and we relaxed...together.

     When we just went to say good night to Mama, Autumn asked me which one I thought was Mama.  I told her, the Big Dipper.  She said 'yeh, that makes sense.  It's always the brightest!'....

                  Love,
                        Dave

     
             

Zona 78

            I know that I've mentioned over and over that Zona 78 was Kimmy's favorite restaurant.  She liked to go there for her birthday.  When company was in town.  For our anniversary.  And to celebrate special occaisons...
          Well, we got Cody's report card in the mail today, and decided that it was a special occaison!  He got straight A's, including in Algebra, a 9th grade level class - he had gotten B's the last three quarters.  Even got an Excellent in Citizenship!!  Autumn and Tonio also got straight A's, so we thought we'd go to Zona 78!!
          The bambini also had Dr. appointments today, and, coincidentally, Dr. Radomsky's office is right behind Zona 78.  Autumn faced 3 shots today, as she prepares to go to 6th grade!  Tonio, has had a lingering cough, after being on antibiotics a month ago when Dr. R heard 'crackling' in one of his lungs...and Cody, it seems, has reinjured the collar bone he broke just over a year ago.  When I made their appointment, I asked "Is there a bundle discount available??"        
           They did great at the Dr's, so we went on to Zona 78.  Cody and I split Kim's and my favorite:  The antipasti platter, complete with salami, proccuitto, peppers, mozz, brie, grilled zucchini and, my favorite, artichoke hearts. And a bianco pizza.  Tonio had a cheese pizza and Autumn got a huge bowl of pasta, that she polished off well before the boys and I were done...Kim always marveled over how she could put away the pasta!

                                                                       Mangia!!
          Then, we walked down the sidewalk to Frost...Autumn got cheesecake gelato, Cody, coffee and Tonio got banana and talked the girl into given him one of the frozen, chocolate dipped, bananas that they have on display in the counter!!  I had a cappuccino.  Grande.

             Flashback to this morning:

                    The monkeys were howling at the zoo this morning!!! Amy, Betsey, Kim and I took the kids to the zoo before the day could heat up.  Alex, Cody, Colton (Alex's buddy), Mitchell, Tonio, Mariah and Micah had a fun time - we even got to see the tigers get fed!  Missing from this photo are Hadley and Autumn, who had gone 'shopping' in the zoo gift store! 

          Random shots:
          In and Out Burger - a Kimmy favorite - I love a girl that loves a good cheeseburger!  And Kim loved a good cheeseburger!!  I took the kids to In and Out a couple of days ago...they all got hats!

         Here's some girls that love a good cheeseburger!!  Hadley, Autumn, Breanna and Lexy anxiously await their burgers.  I'm telling you, Breanna demolished her cheeseburger!!

           
                                  Brendon, Cody, Tonio and Mitchell enjoy their burgers and fries!

              Here's a good one for you;  When I went to pay homage to Hugo Chavez, owner of Valero, I noticed the little sign, above the shocking amount I paid to fill the car, and above the cigarette ad...Whoopie Pies are now sold at Valero!!  Kim would be doing cart wheels!!  Whoopie Pies were another of her secret weaknesses!  We joked about it often, if I wanted her to do something for me, sometimes I'd promise her a Whoopie Pie!!

                 Kimmy enjoys a nice cappuccino (grande) from Frost - we watched the fireworks from Udall park, across the street from Frost...

                 And, it's Autumn, once again telling me it's time...time to say our good nights to Mama...

                   Good night...
                             Dave
          

The Little Things

    It's the little things that hurt the most...those 'insignificant milestones'...the first time I realized I had no more clean wash of Kimmy's to put away (and she'd always razz my folding skills, or lack of, calling me a 'shover'!)...the first time we ate at Kimmy's favorite restaurant, Zona 78...finishing that bottle of Bombay gin that I had gotten her for our anniversary last year...looking under the bathroom cabinet for soap and seeing the roller carefully wrapped in a plastic baggie, that she had used to repaint the bambini's bathroom just before she'd gotten sick, now over 7 months ago...
    Oh, don't get me wrong, the big things are challenging, too - they run you over like a freight train, but at least you see that coming.  I knew so far in advance that our anniversary would be tough, so when it came and I filled it full of good memories, I found myself upright at the end of the day...Cody's birthday and graduation, Autumn's birthday were hard - I know Tonio's will be, too.  Memorial Day - that's an in betweener, as it is not necessarily a Christmas, or Easter, but Kim always made it a fun and special day for us...
    Interesctions sometimes bring me to my knees.  Yes, intersections.  How about saying a little prayer, or possibly a Hail Mary for Kimmy the next time you cross Golf Links and Bonanza?  Perhaps the hardest one for me to pass.  We were heading east on Golf Links in early October, the 5th I believe, to visit with Vi and my Dad at their hotel and to let the kids swim...Kimmy doubled over in pain, in the passenger seat and asked me to pull over.  I asked what was wrong - she said she had bad cramping pain across her lower rib cage and just needed to stand up straight. 
      I quickly made a right onto Bonanza, heading north and pulled over - bolting out of my door and rushing to open hers for her and help her out.  "Kimmy, can I take you to a Dr.?"..."No, just a cramp...I'm OK"...I held her tight, then helped her walk a few steps, Kimmy breathing in and breathing out, trying to work it out...and she did.  And we drove to the hotel and had a nice afternoon...but, now, when I pass that intersection, I do wish I had taken her to the Dr, even though I know it would not have done anything but extend her hospital stay by exactly two weeks...
      The interesection of Tanque Verde and Grant...you know the one with the McDonalds that has the giant T-Rex, dwarfed only by the gigantic traffic light and camera system...When I pass through that, I can still see myself, chatting happily with Kimmy, having just finished an ethics class for real estate.  I was so excited to have finished the class early and to be able to meet Kim for lunch before we had to go get the kids from school.  As I approached that light, it turned yellow - but I was not going to be denied even two minutes of time with Kimmy and I told her "I'm running the yellow light to get to you!"  Laughing, Kimmy giggling...Turned out the light was red and I had to go to traffic school  - but, those extra minutes with Kimmy? Priceless.
      Speedway and Camino Seco, where Kim burst into tears, exclaiming how especially beautiful everything looked today (a few days before she passed) and how much she loved Tucson...intersections...
        I seem to come across the small stuff most frequently around the house.  There is the garter from her sister, Terri's wedding, in the glove compartment of my truck.  The stray earring I find in my suit pocket.  Our travel log from our last California trip, nearly four years ago - and the places we visited, the shops Kimmy liked, the places we ate at...all in her neat handwriting - which I can only describe as 'happy'.  I know I will revisit these places, when we head out there in a few weeks - I know I need to be ready, for the bambini's sake.
        It hits me when a shirt Kim lovingly picked out for me has worn out...replanting in her garden was a happy/sad experience this year, especially since we lost a lot during that freeze we had - I tried to find the same plants and came pretty close.  Coming across her Volunteer Coordinator planning book...complete with notes to create volunteer guidelines handouts...planning volunteer luncheons and staff appreciation events...notes about who is donating what...Wendy Anderson, at Safeway, able to donate a $50 gift card (and Kimmy jots 'woo hoo!' with a smilely next to it...)...organizing the school's snack bar schedule and who to call for what...she was on it...carefully planning each event, for the year...I know the crawl space, above the garage, is going to be ripe with mementos...too.  Another day...
          We cycle through these things...Autumn, running to show me a 'new' pair of Mama's earring she has discovered, and is wearing...Tonio, noticing it was Mama who labeled his lunch box...Cody, choosing Kim's favorite number, 18, in a magic trick Brendon was showing us the other day.  Here's one too...when I'm in the mall, or at the store and see a cute shirt or sandals...and realize there's no Kimmy to buy those for...She is so easy to miss, I mean, so hard not to miss - you get the picture...
          In the bathroom, I just ran out of the Speedstick that got me through Kim's hospital stay.  A few weeks ago, I finished the last tube of toothpaste we shared.  That beat up pair of Nike's she bought me that I just can't seem to part with. These are the little things, the details...put enough of these together and you have a lifetime of memories...wonderful memories.
          Autumn just told me it's time to say goodnight to Mama...she had a fun day hanging with Lexy and Hadley - we took them and Tonio and Mitch to see the Diary of a Wimpy Kid, went to La Salsa and Lexy and Autumn came home and watched movies until just a few minutes ago when Andrea picked up Lexy (Justin Bieber was their favorite!) - good times. We missed Tonio tonight, who is sleeping over at Mitch's house - Betsey called for me to send Hadley home at 8:30 and said he was already out like a light!! Tonight, there were some clouds covering the Big Dipper...so we stood out back talking for a little while.  Autumn looked up and yelled 'The Big Dipper!'...sure enough, a hole in the clouds had formed, just large enough for the Dipper to shine through...I imagined that the hole appeared to be heart shaped...

                         Love,
                                Dave
PS About 11 p.m, Brian called and said Tonio missed us and wanted to come home.  While we walked home, I heard Autumn tell Tonio 'You should say goodnight to Mama on the way.  We went out back and the Big Dipper was covered with clouds, and a hole opened up so we could see it, and guess what?  The hole was heart shaped!'...
          

Same Kind of Different as Me

         I like to read a lot...mostly non-fiction, history, especially Roman history and the Americas back in the 1400 and 1500's...and religious history...some fiction, here and there to keep it light...Chuck Palahniuk "Fight Club", Charlie Huston "Shotgun Rule", are two of my favorites.  At work, people like to leave me 'must read' books...Jaimelyn, one of the managers at Barnes & Noble, has contributed nicely to my collection and always hits the mark.
         Recently, one of the books that made the pile was titled "Same Kind of Different as Me" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore.  I was between books and thought it looked interesting (YES you can judge a book by it's cover, I have learned). 
         I thought it was fiction, it read so easily...about a white man who grows up poor,marries a white woman, who also grew up poor,  but finds a way to make money and becomes rich.  And an African American man who grows up poor and is homeless when the couple meets him.
        Soon, I came to realize, it was a real story...Although the white couple becomes rich, the wife, Deb, remembers where they came from and thanks God and wants to be more involved in helping others to show her appreciation.  Her husband, Ron, goes along with her, mainly to make her happy.  But, things change for him when they come across Denver, the homeless man, who he  becomes close friends with.
        About 3/4 of the way through, Deb becomes ill, unexpectedly...guess what?  Cancer.  The parallels were incredible...the diagnosis, the treatments, the pain, the horror...I kept asking myself "do I really want to continue this story?"...but I could not put it down.
       As she gets sicker, we find out the couple knew each other for 31 years...Kim and I knew each other 33...Kim was so dedicated and involved in our community, like Deb in the story, and initially, I got involved for her - why?  I wanted to keep impressing her, even though we were married and Kim always made me feel so secure in our relationship - it was still important to me to impress her.  I guess it was all a part of her continuing to clean me up and prepare me, because, along the way, it became just as important to me to give back and to teach the bambini that in order to keep a great community great, you have to be involved - I whole heartedly believe this...thanks to Kim.
       Of course, the the story, the treatments are not effective in fighting Deb's cancer - one doctor describes how you can be in the middle of  a swarm of hornets and never get bitten...but, stir them up...and look out!!  That's how cancer is.  Once disturbed, it goes wild...and boy did it ever in Kimmy...
       In the story, Deb remains strong and upbeat, right up to the very end.  Kimmy.  How beautiful she looked, eyes sparkling...smile bright...only her eyebrows gave away her concerns...and, if you ever listen to the songs on the playlist on Kimmy's blog - 'I need a Dr.' ...the voice of Skylar Grey resonates in my head - her angelic voice reminding me of Kimmy singing..."I'm about to lose my mind, you've been gone for so long, I'm running out of time.  I need a Dr., send me a Dr. - to bring me back to life..."  Damnation.
        And now, I'm nearing the end of the book...I literally can read one page a time, before breaking down and having to put it down...but it's an amazing story - I nearly feel I lived it.
        And it prompted me to pick up my Bible and look up a paragraph in Proverbs IX The Ideal Wife.  "When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls.  Her husband, entrusting his heart to her, has an unfailing prize.  She brings him good, and not evil (in my case, she turned me from evil) all the days of her life.  She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs at the days to come.  She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her toungue is kindly counsel.  Her children rise up and praise her; her husband too, extols her: "Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all".  Give her a reward of her labors, and let her works praise her at the city gates."  Amazing.  I don't recall ever having read this verse or heard about it before today - but it sure gripped me.  The Ideal Wife describes Kim, perfectly...but doesn't quite capture her glowing essence fully...
          I wrote an article back in March for a website, about our experience and this book prompted me to revisit that article...again, the parallels were eerie...
        
          Tonight, we went out to see Brendon play some playoff baseball (Rangers advanced to the finals after a strong 6-1 victory tonight!!).  As I was talking to Mario and watching the game, a man stopped and asked me when the championships were to be held.  Saturday at 5:30 I told him.  He asked who the match up was with.  Cardinals I told him.  He asked where I went to high school.  Liberty, class of '83, I answered.  He looked perplexed and I told him I moved here 18 years ago from Bethlehem.  He said he went to Santa Rita, class of '82.  I pointed out Mario, Andrea, Janene, Kim and Rashon and told him they all are Santa Rita grads, but that they were much, much younger than him.  He laughed and commented that my hair was much grayer than his...then, he told me he was battling cancer, pointing to scars on his neck. "What do Italians call this type of scar?"  "Smile" I told him..."Yeah, that's it" and he detailed his progression, treatments, surgeries...and how his children, one of whom plays on Brendon's team, were not doing well.  I briefly told him what happened to us, pointed out the bambini and told him we'd include him in our prayers...he thanked me and said he'd see me Saturday for the game...
         Books like Same Kind of Different as Me, and interactions with folks like the man I met tonight, help clarify what I'm left here to do...
        If you get a chance, look that book up...it made my 'must read' pile, and proved to really be a 'must read'!
      
        Tonight, Lexy and Hadley are having a sleep over with Autumn...the girls are going strong - it's 11:30 p.m. and they are playing Mario Kart on Wii.  Tonio and I are going to watch a movie together...And Cody, he's sleeping at his buddy, Wyatt's house tonight...I just texted him to see if he was settled in for the night and told him I loved him and he hit me right back saying 'Love you to Dad, Night!'...I am blessed...

         Love,
             Dave

Memorial Day

          We made sure to have our flag flying high today!!!  And, doing the American thing, made plans to have a picnic...Kim always had one planned...
           We bought a new Slip 'N Slide for the event - we always set it up in the park across the street, drag the hose across and let the kids have fun!  We have a shade tent to set up for the adults.  And make sure to have plenty of good friends and family there...
           So today, I channeled my inner-Kim...I knew I needed to make a fun day for the bambini - we picked out the Slip 'N Slide at Target the other day...a 20', curved slide that ends in a pool.  How do these people keep coming up with new designs every year???  This one worked beautifully, they have my admiration!

              Bryson, Micah, Tonio, Breanna, Lexy, Autumn, Hadley and Mariah stay cool on the Slip 'N Slide

                                                   The kids prepare to hit the slide!!!

                                         Cody, careems around the corner!! Wait, is 'careem' a word?

                                         Autumn does the same, if it is, indeed a word...

                                         And, Janene's son Brendon - playoff game tommorow! 

                                           Tonio, successfully traverses the corner!! 

                Well, let's see, ala Kimmy, I made her pasta salad, baked potatoes on the grill, grilled chicken, burgers and dogs, made homemade salsa, a relish tray, cut up watermelon and nearly held it together, but lost it a bit due to plumbing problems, a errant text and a stand off between boys and girls...but, we pulled it all back together, and like Kim would love to do, here is who helped:
           Andrea, Lexy and Breanna - thanks for some great mac-n-cheese! Janene, Brendon and Bryson - thanks for all of the chips and dip!!  Kim, Rashon, Mariah and Micah - thanks for the decadent cupcakes!!  Rashon just got an incredible tattoo on his arm to eclipse my latest!!

                            My boy, Cody, photographically journals my experience...I am not dropping the F-bomb in this photo, merely engaging in intelligent conversation with my friend, Dave...

                                My tribal tattoo...a little sore, here, but much better now - got it done on Kim's and my wedding anniversary last Saturday, May 21st...something we talked about for years...

                   

Dave did a great job on this tat, as well as, my last one - he does a fantastic job at his shop, Tattoo Artistry on Country Club and Pima - I've known Dave for over 16 years - he is a great guy and a wonderful artist!! And Autumn, sweet Autumn, has become my little RN...carefully scrubbing my tattoo each night and applying Aquafor to prevent infection...

But I digress...Also, helping us celebrate Memorial Day were Amy, Tom and Alex - making rice krispie treats, my kryptonite!! And Betsey, Brian, Hadley and Mitch - Brian swooping in to diagnose and help me fix broken kitchen cabinets and weight sets!!

Got the celebration food all cooked and displayed in my best Kimmy fashion...we did have a good time...

And Alex and Brendon decided to spend the night, as the boys chose to watch the classic vigilante film, Boondock Saints....Autumn, Tonio and I chose one of Kimmy's favorites, Finding Neverland, starring Johnny Depp, about the guy who wrote Peter Pan...if only Kim and I had been a part of the Lost Boys...

I don't have any fancy ending, or inspirational quote tonight, sorry...but, I can tell you, this Memorial Day, marks another milestone for me and the bambini and the friends and family that joined us, helped us through...and helped us to make a great memory...another 'greatest time'....

Love,

 Dave

The Journal

         Here we are with a Christmas journal entry!  Only 7 more months until Christmas!!  As I go about, cleaning, organizing, searching...I keep hoping, maybe, maybe I'll find a secret letter from Kimmy...but, I suspect, even Kim did not think it would go as fast as it did - 55 days from diagnosed to going to Heaven...

     December 25th 2003

            Merry Christmas!  Santa surprised us again - there were footprints by the fireplace from him and his reindeer!  The kids enjoyed opening their Kett car (Cody), a new princess bike (Autie) and baby toys galore (Antonio)!
           Grandma surprised us with a holiday visit this year so the children enjoyed her surprises as well.   We later walked to the park in our jammies (weather was 70 degrees) and watched the kids enjoy their new "rides".
           Then we went to the William's home to celebrate with them and their families (Angie, Mark, Andrea, Mario, Janene, Brad, Kristie, Ross, Kim and Rashon and kids!).  In the evening, we stopped by our friends, Vito and Rose's home to enjoy some holiday desserts and coffee.  A very special first Christmas or our little Antonio.

          These families have meant so much to us over the years, after we came her from Pennsylvania, knowing no one...Kim enjoyed our precious time with them and appreciated them all!

            And today, we spent our time enjoying their company again - having breakfast with Rose and Vito and Vito Jr, then over to Janene and Brad's for a BBQ with Andrea, Kim and Rashon and all of their kids - helping to keep us feeling a part of something special...

                                Janene gives Tonio pointers on the fine art of diving!  Who would have thought?  Just a couple months ago, Tonio couldn't even swim and now he's going off a diving board!!

                Janene and Brad got a new puppy!  A golden retriever named "Macie" - Brendon help her to the stairs as Autumn enjoys the show!

                                          Autumn, Lexy and Breanna perform water ballet!

             A great start to summer!!!  We are blessed!
                        Love,
                                Dave

End of School Year Party...

          Another school year ended...this one seemed to have gone by much faster than usual...and we will miss all of the wonderful teachers that Cody and Antonio had (we were blessed to have Mrs. Rudzena conveniently move up to teach Autumn in 6th grade again next year...believe me, that cost me a small fortune to arrange!)...
          The bambini grew so much this year - some out of necessity, and some just naturally growing with time...educationally, they all excelled - having a small drop off while Kimmy was in the hospital, but rebounding nicely with the help of their teachers and our friends - Tonio and Autumn both got straight A's!!!  Cody's report card hasn't arrived yet, but, at the awards ceremony he took home 4 awards related to grades and citizenship.  Autumn is insistent that I mention we saw John Belushi at Cody's graduation ceremony - the young man two seats down did bear a striking resemblance and never removed his Blue's Brothers style shades - I thought I got a photo of him, but alas, it appears that I did not. 
Wait!  Looks like I got him captured on video!!!  check out Cody in his pin striped suit!!

          This is the time of year, that Kim liked to reflect back on all the bambini accomplished over the school year...Cody's won a championship with Desert Sky Flag Football...Mrs. Schrantz taught Tonio to tie his shoes!  Autumn overcame her fear of water and has learned to swim...Tonio, not afraid of water, but also learned to swim...Tonio growing spiritually, receiving his First Holy Communion...and all three have grown more independent, considerate and helpful...they've woven us into a tight knit team...
          And Kimmy always loved to celebrate the end of the kid's school year with a party!  She was always so proud of all they had done over the year and wanted to reward their hard work and begin their summer right...well, in honor of Kimmy, we put together a "Pickle Party"!

                            Front Row: Breanna, Lexy, Autumn, Emma and Hadley
                            Back Row: Jasmine, Cieleigh and Maryssa
                           
                             Autumn handled games and crafts, in Kimmy-like fashion...here, the girls made pickle party shirts with fabric paint (I had to go to Target three times the same day because the first time, I couldn't remember why I was there, the second time, I couldn't decide which shirts and paints to buy and the third time, I brought little Kim with me, who made excellent choices and did it pretty quickly, too!).

They played 'freeze dance' and other games before deciding to take Bella for a walk.  Bella was thrilled to be included - but, it was 100 degrees yesterday (the ice officially broke on the Santa Cruz!), so they came back inside to cool off.  The girls built their own sandwiches for lunch and had a sundae bar for dessert.  And ate 3 1/2 jars of various pickles, too!  They made videos and watched videos on You Tube.  And they danced and hung out.  Tonio, Monsi and Mitchell also participated in the festivities!

Thanks to Cieliegh's mom, Jenni, for bailing me out on cute party favors, too!  She made bottle cap necklaces for each child that said "pickle party" with a little painting of a pickle!!

After that, it was nice to go next door to Amy and Tom's, for some adult beverages while the kids swam in their pool!

But, perhaps the best end of school year tribute, came from Rincon Vista Middle School...They dedicated their year book to Kim.  Amy brought me one over, signed by most of the teachers and staff - it is beautiful!

There is a row of Kim's photo and it reads "This book is dedicated in loving memory of our friend and colleague, Kim Conca.  Her unwavering kindness and positive nature serve as a role model for our community.  Her gentle determination helped lead our school to success."

The well wishes the teachers and staff wrote were amazing...these continued acts of kindness and thoughtfulness leave me feeling like a marshmallow...I've cried more in the last 7 months than in my entire 46 years...had to duck outside during the pickle party to finish reading the overwhelimingly deep and wonderful comments that they all inscribed...thank you!

Another school year down - and the bambini did great!  Also managed to celebrate for them...Kim had me ready for this...built me for this...just working on the fine attention to detail she lovingly threw in...

Thanks to all of you who helped us through this year!!

Love,

 Dave

High School????

           How did this happen?  14 years ago, Ami Bunch was welcoming us into her kindergarten classroom - Cody was such a snappy dresser...and how Kim cried that first day, her baby, went away to 1/2 day kindergarten (afternoon session, as we were not morning people, although Kim had begun her transformation by then...)...
          And Cody, insisted on wearing a full suit and tie today - his choice!  I warned him that it was going to be damn near 100 degrees today.  "That's OK Dad, I want to"...and he looked so sharp and was a cool and collected as Clint Eastwood in the Good, the Bad and the Ugly!

             Sure enough, by 1:00, when I went by Cottonwood to pick up Autumn, who wanted to come with me, it was 92...and climbing...I had a chance to talk with Jenny Rienstra, who Tonio will have for 3rd grade next year (I apologize in advance for Tonio's wiggles and will provide a year's supply of valium...oh, you may have to wait until after you have your baby to take them, but, consult your doctor!) and who Autumn had for 3rd grade, too.   I told her I was tired and would have to try to stay awake during the graduation ceremony...she advised that I'd have to try not to cry, too. 
             She was right, too - and when did I become the emotional equivalent of a roller coaster??  That was always Kim's department!!  I guess we merged, at some point...
              Aut and I had front row seats, thanks to Mr. Mortensen, the principal at Desert Sky - he delivered a great opening speech and kept the ceremony flowing nicely.

           His inspirational speech and the rows of Cody's teachers behind him started to break me down, as I thought how important this day was to Kim...she had been talking about it, prior to being diagnosed already!!  We had picked out a suit and she thought we could have him wear his newest pair of Van's, today's fashion statement...and was trying to think of something nice to do for him as a congratulations - this was 7 months ago...she was on it!
           And, as I looked at Cody's teachers - Mrs. Paton, Mrs. Jackson, Mrs. Lopez, Mrs. Sarnowski and Mrs. Archuletta...I thought back to the times we had first met them and how much Kimmy liked them all...and then, when she got sick and after we lost her, how they all stepped up, with leadership and nurturing, helping Cody maintain - not just grades, but emotionally, too...They sacrificed for Cody, and for us.
          And Jim Coulter, of the Vail School District governing board and a past neighbor of ours, coming over to warmly greet us and offer words of encouragement - made me think back to the days, when Kim and I would walk our neighborhood, hand in hand, and say hi to Jim if he was out front...and John Carruth, Assistant Superintendent of VSD offering support and congrats...
         I did hold it together pretty well. I held Autumn tight, thanked the Lord for this day and for Cody and for all the work Kim did to get us all to this day...Yeh, I know she was there, but I missed having her at my side so badly...

                     Cody, having received his promotion paperwork from Mr. Mortensen, shakes hands with Jim Coulter, with Shannon Woolridge, Assistant Principal and big Conca supporter, to his right.

          
                           Cody poses with his buddies following graduation.  He's a little buried in the back row!
                   About a month ago, realizing Cody really was nearing graduation (remember when we 'graduated' from Junior High?  Wait, we never graduated!  We had a half day and went home for the summer with no fanfare!).  They make a big deal about it these days.  I know Kim would have thought of something fun and special for Cody...I had nothing...I put it out there to my peeps and Dawn Ball came through huge!!!!
                   Dawn recruited, communicated, organized a great afternoon for the boys!!!  First, she came up with a limo.  Not any limo, but a Hummer, stretch limo!!

                    The boys were ecstatic!!  Dawn also put together balloons and a great banner for the event!           

               The limo took the boys down to Mama's Pizza...arguably the best pizza in town.  I love their sauce.  As we entered the parking lot, I told Autumn how, before we had kids, Mama and I used to like to come to this restaurant and share a pizza or some pasta.  And, when Antonio went to kindergarten, we went to Mama's and had our first alone lunch in 12 years!!  It was nice...Kimmy cried.  So Mama's Pizza holds some meaning and fond memories for me....

           In Antonio's class, Mrs. Schrantz served breakfast!!! Tonio, in his dragon pj's, enjoys a yogurt.  Lupe made waffles, there was cereal, muffins, cake, donuts and I made bacon...
            These year end events were where Kimmy really shined and was able to convey our absolute appreciation to the teachers and school.  She did so many nice things...I tried.  These teachers really did go so far above and beyond this year for the bambini and our family!!!

             Cody's looking forward to going to high school at Cienega...I know he'll do great there!  Autumn will stay at Cottonwood for 6th grade and be blessed to have Mrs. Rudzena again and Tonio, on to third grade with Mrs. Rienstra. 

Romans 12:7 “If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well.” (NLT)

           In the Vail School District, we are blessed to have teachers who teach well!

            Thank you,
                     Love,
                         Dave            
        

Inconsistent Posts...

    Recently, it was brought to my attention, that I am not posting to Kimmy's blog daily...I hadn't realized.  You see, I am writing, more than I ever have before.  I have to.  But, I am being published in other areas...in fact, to my surprise, someone mentioned that they had read a piece that I had published out there...
    Lately, I find that I am beginning to forget...my memories grow thin...I told someone the other day, that I cannot remember December, January and most of February, so locked in horror that I was...but, as the curtain lifts, I feel the urge, the need, to get some memories out there - and I've tried to say it out loud, but am not able/allowed to...?  And so I write...a lot...about a lot.  Some things that you know about...some that would surprise most...
     As for memory getting thin, today, at school, the 5th grade had a baby shower for Mrs. Rudzena (Casey), Aut's teacher. I was asked to bring strawberries.  Kim would have baked a ton of stuff for this.  At first, I was going to wash the couple of containers of strawberries that I bought, and bring them to school in the plastic shell that they were sold in...then, Kim haunted me, telling me to at least cut the stems off and put them in a bowl...so, of course, I did.  One of the events that they put together (thanks Jenni for handling this!), was to fill in a journal page that would be compiled into a book for Casey.  It had categories on it, like 'advice for mom'.  One of the categories was 'favorite childhood memory'...I stared and I stared at the page and got...nothing...did I have a childhood?  I couldn't remember.  Anything.  And then, Kimmy haunted me again....I heard a soft whisper..."meeting Mama"...And it was like a jolt of lightning!  The memory of that day rushing back into my mind like a tsunami...my little Kim had saved me...again.

         Here's another entry from Kimmy's journal:
  
    December 21, 2003
    
       Our first Christmas party!! (after 9 years of living there - Kim's shyness was lifting!)  Santa made an appearance to surprise all the children.  We had all of our friends (Shannon & David, Andrea & Mario, Kristie and Ross, Courtney and Shawn, and others) and their kids enjoy an Italian Christmas with us!  We made the food ourselves.  Vodka sauce w/ pasta, bolognese sauce w/ penne, chicken picatta, salad and fruit.  The desserts were from Viro's - yum!  Even our favorite teachers came - Miss Ami Daniels and her sister Mary, and Miss Annabelle Rios.  Ami and Cody sat on the floor playing with his racetrack from Santa and Tonio enjoyed Mary's company until he fell asleep in her arms!  What a blast it was!  The kids decorated gingerbread men with sprinkles and frosting and the 'men' played foosball!

          It was a nice Christmas.  Ross, who works for Costco, and his wife Kristie (the third of Angie's daughters), had helped Kim get me a new foosball table for Christmas.  We put it on the back porch, built a roaring fire in our fire pit and played late into the night....I remember playing with Mario and his son David...I had wanted a table for many years, and Kim had come through, as usual!

         Tomorrow ends the school year for the bambini...how fast it went...how weird time flowed this year...they are sad, but excited for the next school year, but mostly looking forward to the summer...I will take 55 days off...55.  A number that makes me appreciate each and every moment.  A number that makes me pledge to care for the bambini, paying special attention to their needs, without tiring, or becoming frustrated, loving them for each and every minute of those 55 days....55.  So short, and yet, so long...
         Love,
             Dave

         

Facing Fear

        We all face fear daily.  We do.  Through this all, I've just about eliminated the majority of the fears that I had prior to Kim getting sick.  And certainly, have freed myself of the paralyzing fear that I had while she was in the hospital and since she passed.
        And then there is grieving...I know I've said this, but if I had a nickel for everyone who has told me I have to make time to grieve...well, we'd be in pretty good shape right now!  But, the drive time...that's one that catches me grieving...without thought - I don't think you can 'make time' to grieve.  It's something that just happens.  Unexpectedly.  For me, it works.
        You know, Kimmy promised to haunt me.  She did.  And she does.  On my way home, I will see her riding shotgun...as I'm hurtling down I-10, 70 to 80 miles per hours, she whispers..."Cracker Barrel.  Remember that time we drove back to Pa. and stopped at as many Cracker Barrels as we could?".  "Sure honey, and we slept in the parking lot of one, in the pouring rain, until it opened so that we could have breakfast?".  "That was fun."...."Oh, Howard Johnsons!  Remember that time we stayed there and could see that beautiful white horse on the ranch next to the hotel from our balcony?"..."Yes Kimmy, that was another greatest time!"...There I am, driving with ghosts, on a beautiful, sunny day, blinded by the sudden rain storm in my own vehicle...and my cell rings, but I can't find it, bringing me back, and I'm alone...

         Cody often asks me to ride throught the north side of Fantasy Island.  We've been through the south side a gajillion times and have ridden the east corridor quite a bit.  I've heard a lot of stories about the north side.  Rugged.  Technical.  It's where Angie's husband, Mark, took a horrible spill - his helmet looked like a chain saw had kissed it.  So, I've found 'reasons' not to.
          I'd ask Autumn and Tonio if they felt like riding.  So we'd have to stick to the 'Bunny Trail', which has always been fun and a good work out.  Out of fear.
          But, I've faced so many different kinds of fear in the last 6 or 7 months - why not Fantasy Island north?  When I picked Cody up at school today, I asked him if he wanted to run down to Target to catch up on household needs, or go through Fantasy Island.  "Oh man!  Fantasy Island!  Can we enter through the north side?"...
          It's 6.6 miles of rugged trail.  And it's challenging from the start, compared to the south side.  But exhilarating.  And incredibly beautiful.  As you snake your way into the desert, you lose all sense of the city.  Soon, you can no longer see the houses.  You cannot hear the cars.  There is nothing but pristene desert, with a small, 1 foot wide, swatch of a trail cutting through it.  It's comforting, embracing...you get so deep into it, but not in a bad way, more like when, during the colder parts of the year, you add layer, after layer of blankets, snuggling in the warmth beneath - comforting...
          Whizzing back and forth on switch back trails, down into rocky gullies and flying back up the other side, you get into a zone...dialed in, is how you feel...looking, searching for the best place to put your bike to avoid large rocks, ruts, craters and bumps...and total concentration to keep your bike on the path.
           I literally ran right through a creosote bush, thanking God it was not a cholla, as I missed the smooth part of the path we were traversing by scant inches, my tires cutting through deep river rock and unable to make the turn...I love the smell of creosote, so didn't mind the branches whipping against my forearms.  If someone bottled creosote scent, I'd wear it.  And today, I guess I was!
          Cody, slightly ahead of me, shouting out instruction: 'Stay left here, or you'll get caught up in that rut!'  and "When we come around the corner, there is a huge drop off!  Lift up your front tire, or your go over the handle bars!".  Great tour guide....Just as my lungs are burning, screaming...my cell phone rings!  Salvation!!!  Cody knows to pull over and I gratefully pick up: "Oh, I didn't know you were out in Fantasy Island, I'll call you back" Andrea said..."NO!  My lungs...need a break....thank you!!!"  Calling to tell me she'd just saved me another couple thousand in Kimmy's medical bills through some research and phone calls!!!  We ARE blessed.

              Our new phones (Cody's 8th grade graduation is Thursday so I upgraded his phone for him!), don't do this justice...there are some great drop offs and steep downslopes that get the heart racing - I'm glad I faced the fear of going through this side!! I was able to keep up with Cody, for the most part and handle the rougher terrain.

            Uh, yeh....back to the fear...headstones are always a little unsettling...this one reads "Here rests K.C. Stern. Pulled 3 G's on a 1 G turn...we were about to do the same!  But, I found, no fear was left - we've been through worse...and the encompassing beauty trumped any other feelings - we let go...

                    Cody was so attentive to me, making sure that I drank plenty of water and he would look over his shoulder to make sure his old man was keeping up.  But, I thought, I sure know what those sports guys mean when they say 'He's lost a step'...like Derek Jeter - still one of the greatest short stops ever and one of the best still playing the game, but he's not as quick as he once was - he's lost a step....I resemble that.

           Again, I wish we had proper video to properly display the severity of this drop!!  It was fun, and yes, there is a 'bypass'...Cody kindly offered to take it with me, but, I declined, knowing he wanted to do it.  "Let me go first and I'll film you!"  He was so excited, it made it worth it!

            Fantasy Island has various shrines and sculptures...like the 'windmill' - it struck me as so lonely and forelorn, the top most tire was spinning slowly in the wind, at the top of a tall hill...All the time, I'm looking for vultures circling overhead, seeing chipmunks, ground squirrels, etc.  Getting tired, hearing coyotes yipping and howling in the near distance.  "Hear that Cody? - coyotes.  Coming for us!"  "Yeh, no,  it's some quail in the bushes over there!"  he said. 

              This was an intense, downhill chute that Cody told me was called the half pipe...I shot down it first, hootin and hollerin the whole way, to Cody's delight, so that I could film him coming down...he's so fast!

                                                                     What a rush!

One last big hill, Cody kept promising...on the other side of this one, he finally had to walk his bike up the last couple feet exclaiming 'What?'.  He is right on with his twists and turns... a few times, I deviated by and inch or two only to hit sand and have to really dig in to make it to the top of a steep slope (but not slippery), and on the way down, being sure that my feet did not lose the pedals...and, you have to take care to keep those pedals parallel to the ground, or risk clipping a protruding rock and being sent airbound. By the end of this journey, how I feel is wrung out...like a dishrag...

The desert, the sand, the trees, the mountains...spending time with Cody, who has done so well, adjusting and helping me and his brother an sister.  It was nice to be with him!  On the way out, I thanked him for taking me on the north side...and said that Mama would have been concerened...for our safety...but would have allowed us to go, knowing that I was more likely to crash and /or get hurt, then he was! We talked about Kimmy for a little while, how we miss her... I thanked him for being him and he gave me a big hug I would have loved to take Kimmy through the north side...

  And again, the sheer beauty of this piece of desert will wash away any of your care, concerns, worries...remember, life is short!  

     Love,
             Dave         

Kimberly's Foundation

          Kimmy's dream was to get well enough to say thank you.  To all of those who helped her - at St. Joseph's - the nurses, the techs, the doctors...to the good people in the Vail School District...'I need Mr. Baker to have an assembly at Pantano Christian Church's ampitheater, so I can thank everyone', the teachers, the administrators, co-workers...friends, neighbors, family...it's all the same.

         Anyways, our plans were not His plan, and Kimmy went to join Him as an angel (not that she was not already one!!)....

         ....out of the need, to say our Thank You's!!!  Cody, Autumn, Tonio and I decided we needed to start a memorial foundation in Kim's name...to help family's that did not have all of this love and support...to help them pay rent...or buy groceries...or pay medical bills...or to purchase new equipment for the hospital...

           This month, was a great one for the foundation!!  Rincon Vista has already sent a check for nearly $700!!! Thank you!  Cottonwood has raised some money, too!  Thank you!!  Janene, who has already done so much for our family and who helped care for Kimmy, masterminded the Kimmy's Kut-a-Thon event and raised just over $2,000 in just 4 hours!!! THANK YOU!!  And, this past Saturday, on our wedding anniversary, the Knights of Columbus at St. Pius church, kicked in just over $3,100 from their annual raffle!!! THANK YOU!!!

              Recently, someone said how great it was that I was able to use this money to pay Kim's medical expenses...although that would be nice, that is not how it works, this money is not available to us...I am dealing with Kimmy's medical expenses separately and through the individual doctor's...no, all of this money goes to help those families that are not as blessed to have the support that you all gave us.  To say thank you, in a bigger way!  We'll find our own way to deal with the rest...

             But what a great month...now, trying to come up with some viable fall fundraisers to keep Kimmy's Foundation going!!!

             
1 Chronicles 29:9
Then the people rejoiced because they had offered so willingly, for they made their offering to the Lord with a whole heart.

Thank you!

           Love,
                Dave